If you’ve ever taken a yoga class, you’re well-aware that all that loosening and stretching can cause your muscles to relax….and we do mean all of your muscles. And if you’ve recently given birth, or have a digestive disorder, or simply ate something within the past three days, you know that farting in said yoga class is a very real, very horrifying possibility.
Australian blogger Laura Mazza recently gave birth to her second child, and her physician suggested she take up yoga after experiencing abdominal separation post-birth, which Mazza hilariously describes as being similar to “Moses parting the Red Sea,” adding, “it’s not good and my stomach kinda points out like a cone.”
Mazza dug out her cleanest pair of yoga pants, because she says she’s got plenty of yoga pants despite never having taken a yoga class in her life (oh, the truth!) and went to her first class. She was intimidated as toned and taut yogis filled the room, exchanging pre-class pleasantries (Mazza said she hid in the corner in an attempt not to be noticed).
“Everyone’s taking off their socks and I’m thinking oh lord, my toes are hairy and I didn’t shave them, I only dry shaved my ankles in case my pants ride up.”
The instructor then pointed her out to the class, welcoming their new member, and class began. In her own words, Mazza wrote:
“We started doing these random positions, moving into the upward facing dog and I feel a nice crack in my back, thinking I can do this…I totally love yoga. I am a yoga girl!! Look at me so fit right now. We move into the downward facing dog… and that’s when I started to feel my guts.
She explained, “Now for the past few weeks I have had IBS symptoms like something crazy. My farts stink like something mixed between a rotten egg and an incineration plant. And somewhere between the dolphin position and the three legged dog two of those burning garbage eggs slip out and I fart. I farted. I farted at yoga. I’m a walking cliche. My pelvic floor has failed me.”
Mazza thought she was in the clear because they were silent, but then…
“…we move to some position where my heads between my legs, and the smell hits me like a punch to the nose. I died inside and now I officially smell like something has also died inside. I’m thinking, do I leave? Do I leave the country? Is this happening?? IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME? Not only do I look like a slob but now I stink too.”
Instead of leaving, she held her head high, carrying on until the instructor came over to adjust her form in one position. Mazza farted again, but this time, the noise was audible…much to her horror and embarrassment.
“I froze and thought oh my god. Oh my god. OH MY GOD. Sweet baby Jesus. What just happened. I’m dreaming. Surely. I’m in a nightmare. My face flushes red and I have tears in my eyes from the embarrassment.”
This time, she high-tailed it out of the yoga studio, and headed to a McDonald’s to soothe her pain in a sundae. As for her future yoga career? Mazza says, “Sorry physio. I’m never ever ever EVER, doing yoga again. Fuck the muscle separation.”
Mazza’s story instantly went viral, proving that yoga farts are something that happens to the best of us, no matter how mortifying it may seem. Here’s hoping she feels better soon, and we’re so happy she lived to tell the tale!