Wrong Number, Full Frontal

I recently received this text. The more I thought about it, the more questions I had. I began making up stories about who this person was. Ultimately, this is the story I settled on: 

I think it’s safe to say I know more about fashion than anyone else alive. I just haven’t blown up yet– and I get it. It’s tough for normal people to recognize greatness. Take my mother, for example: she would often yell things at me when I was a child like, “Quit eating all my lipstick!” But what she didn’t understand is that I ate her lipstick because I wanted to experience what glamour tasted like, probably. Same with me eating dog food and chewing on the channel changer – it’s what these things represented that’s really important. And once I figure out what those things represent, I will share them.

I know what you’re thinking, and the answer is yes, I am filled with great ideas. In high school, I would befriend homeless people so I could borrow their clothes. What’s more grunge than an ensemble that screams, “I sleep under an overpass”? A seminal moment came from my hyper-grunge days –  walking home from school one day, a man pulled his car over and said, “I run an outreach service for homeless and battered youth,” and then he gave me a brochure and I was like, “Stop hitting on me!” and then threw the brochure on the ground and ran away. In reality though, the attention was addicting. I knew in that moment I had no choice but to become a model.

I submitted myself to the big agencies, Wilhelmina and Ford and the like, but they kept saying things like,”You need to build up your portfolio more” and, “We’d suggest investing in some modeling classes” and I was like, “It’s you who’s not ready for me!” Some people achieve greatness, some people have greatness thrust upon them and some people are so great that the gatekeepers of greatness think they should stop wasting everyone’s time and quit. I honorably fall into the most latter of those categories, as the greatest among us often do, probably.

So now’s my big chance; after months of waiting to be discovered, it finally happened, in the Hispanic Foods and Gravy aisle at a Ralph’s grocery store. I’m going to be a hair model at the Supercuts Expo at the Torrance Raddisson and I can’t tell you how happy this makes me. I mean, this just goes to show you that you can do anything if you just want it hard enough and do no real work to make it happen.

I know what you’re thinking, and the answer is, yes, Supercuts is a mainstream hair salon chain that caters to America’s frumpy underclass. But that’s just the thing! It’s so mainstream, it’s avant-garde, you know what I mean? Of course you don’t – you might even think Supercuts is a decent salon for the budget conscious and that making fun of it is mean, but that’s okay. Greatness is often misunderstood. So you may not get this, either: I was taking vanity pictures of myself in the bathroom the other night I had an idea for how to go above and beyond, to really push the Supercuts Expo envelope. Clothes always take away from the drama of hair, what if I go out there and model the latest Supercut style au natural— that’s French for “in the naked”.  So I just texted my boss to see what her thoughts are. I don’t even know why I’m asking– greatness never asks for permission.

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