Written in the Stars: April 2013 Horoscopes

Oh, April, you bright and shiny hilarious month! Come into our lives! We have waited through the dreary times for you! 

Taurus
Stop being stubborn, and stop ignoring advice, and start doing what you actually want to do, and start kissing who you want to kiss, and don’t say “I love you” if you don’t meant it, just because someone else said it first. It is not about the number of phone numbers you get, it is about the number of people you connect to. Only waste your precious, already-too-busy-time with people worth it.

Stop planning, just do it.


Famous Bulls: Adele, Jessica Alba, Wes Anderson, Stevie Wonder, Hank Azaria, Cher, Sofia Coppola, Nora Ephron (RIP), Barbra Streisand, Jerry Seinfeld, and our girl Lena Dunham.

Gemini
In the greatest movie of all-time, When Harry Met Sally, the following dialogue occurs:
Harry: There are two kinds of women: high maintenance and low maintenance.
Sally: Which one am I?
Harry: You’re the worst kind; you’re high maintenance but you think you’re low maintenance.
Dear Gemini, I need you to know that it is okay to be high maintenance, and it is okay to be low maintenance. It is okay to be anything you would like to be, and the key is to find someone who enjoys maintaining you.

Cancer
You know those lines in movies that hit you like a thousand knives stabbing you all over your body? (That was one.) Get some of those lines in your own life. Write them down, practice them, recite them. There is someone you currently have your sights on. Try, “hey you–how many times do I have to walk by your desk/work area/table at a coffee shop before you make your move?” Boldness is new to you, but try it out anyway. The worst that can happen is nothing.

Leo
You can lecture and motivate and change the world until your face turns blue, dear Lion, but remember: no one likes a hypocrite. Lead by example. Listen to yourself before you preach it.

Virgo
Madonna is not a Virgo (she’s a Leo), but she sings “Like a Virgin.” I think all of us are pretty aware that Madonna is not much of a virgin, but that does not mean she cannot be touched for the very first time. Try something new. Do you have a life goal? Stretch it further. Make yourself try something new. Eleanor said to do something everyday that scares you, and you have not done so in a long while.

Libra
Get crazy. Throw your day planner away. Sing at the top of your lungs. Don’t use GPS. Pay your phone bill a day late. Put off your laundry. Leave your phone at home. Dance past your bedtime. Don’t be five minutes early for work, maybe be three minutes late. Spend all this month not apologizing. And confess your love–I mean, Lloyd Dobler was definitely not a Libra.

Scorpio
You sweet, slithering scorpion: stop sighing sweet sorrows solemnly. Things sound more beautiful when they are alliterative, am I right? Everything is more beautiful as art, but let’s be real: sometimes, things are not artistic. Sometimes, things are not as orderly as we wish they would be. Let it go. Let go, and let live. It is the first bit of advice ever given, but potentially the best.

Sagittarius
They say that Centaurs are awesome listeners, and great supporters, and they say that Centaurs are loyal, and fun, and kind–but. Let’s be real, everyone has their crazy flaws. You know what you should do, Sag? Go skydiving. It is just the kind of thing you would talk about doing, but never actually go through with. What day is it? April 1st? Go skydiving by the end of the month. Just stop talking about it, and go do it. Talk to you in May.

Capricorn
Are you unattached? Single, ready to mingle? Jobless, or with a job that is willing to relocate you? Did you just graduate high school, or college, or grad school? Big breakup? Um, emancipation from your parents?! Pick up your bags and do something crazy. Go to England and visit the cool pubs. Go see the seven wonders of the world. Salsa dance in Spain. Do anything other than what you are doing right now. Break out of your boring shell, and get to know yourself better. STRETCH.

Aquarius
Everyone knows you are smart, but does everyone know how funny you are?

Join a comedy club, or start a blog, or do something that has nothing to do with intellectual behavior. Come on, it will be fun.

Pisces
Do you have a favorite movie? How about a favorite book? A favorite color, at least? If you cannot name any of your favorite things, maybe you should spend a little time with yourself this month. Figure out what you like, and what you need, and then spend your time with other people.

Aries
Have you ever read Dante’s Inferno? The circles are: limbo, lust, gluttony, greed, anger, heresy, violence, fraud, and treachery. Which do you think you would fall victim to? If you were to go to Dante’s hell, where would you land? JEEZ THIS IS INTENSE–but what isn’t? Maybe if you pinpoint your “flaws,” or your “temptations,” you could better yourself? Maybe take yourself from the eighth level of hell to the seventh? There is always room for improvement.

Lena Dunham image via nymag.com

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