I had dreams of calling this The Eccentric Kool-Guy Broke Ass Test but I feared that there might only be a handful of Merry Pranksters patrolling Hello Giggles. Despite the more accessible title, these are in fact hard-hitting questions on the subject. When I started my Broke and Single weekly series, I was overwhelmed by the amount of positive reaffirmations from all of you lovely ladies (and lurking fellers) who insisted that they’d take a broke, hopeless dreamer over a vapid Richie Rich any day. I was so taken a back by the goody gum drop, Candy Land-prance with Queen Fronstine and Gramma Nut, that I’ve decided to see if those were merely comments telling me to “keep my chin up,” or if there really is hope for all those artistic chaps out there with no commas in their bank statements.
The following questions were collected from the minds of people who could paint you a picture, tell you a story, build you a table, snap you a photo, tell you they love you in iambic pentameter, give you an eskimo kiss, cook you a pancake that has a face, hold your hair when you’ve had too many, have you at hello…and ensure that there are plenty of giggles between you two. Pencils up!
1. Would you be okay with owning furniture that you got from the alley?
2. Could you get by on entertainment options that only included building and taking down a pillow fort?
3. Are you okay if date night involves Two Buck Chuck and a tickle fight?
4. Is it acceptable to use a cat or dog for warmth in lieu of heat in the winter?
5. Would you allow your significant other to ride a Razor Scooter?
6. Can you eat Ramen Noodles four nights out of the week?
7. Can you eat Campbell’s Soup the other three nights?
8. Could you get by using only a spray bottle during the dog days of summer?
9. Is apple juice placed in ice cube trays with toothpicks considered a popsicle?
10. Would you smash cans on purpose at the grocery store to get the discount?
11. Would you give up cheese if that meant he/she finally gained momentum in their “passion field?”
12. Napkins from In-N-Out are just as good as toilet paper?
13. Would all of this make you feel like how Ty felt when she met Cher and Dion for the first time?
14. Is it okay if he/she gives you “massage coupons” for your birthday instead of real presents?
15. It it okay if Hanukkah Harry or Santa Claus brings payment for the light bill instead of dog purses?
16. Would you share a razor that took care of both his upstairs and your downstairs?
17. Could laughter really be used as medicine when you got a tummy ache?
*Time to calibrate the system: 18. Ryan Gosling is capable of saving a bus full of puppies careening off a cliff simply by delivering a coy smile?
19. Are you okay that he/she has a distinction between casual sweatpants and “work” sweatpants?
20. Are you okay that the bouquet of flowers for your anniversary has a trail of petals leading to your neighbor’s yard?
21. Would you live in his/her parents house?
22. Would you be okay giving he/she an allowance?
23. Would you let he/she charge you hourly rates for spooning duties?
24. Is it okay if he/she always leaves the toilet seat up because there isn’t one?
25. Could sexting just be both of you drawing wee wee’s and hoo-ha’s on the dusty apartment floor?
To the results.
1-4: You’re a Kardashian. Your idea of squalor is a dirty martini.
5- 11: There’s some willingness to love someone who is financially troublesome, but you’re not happy about it. When you spot the guy with the Mercedes wearing Tom’s Shoes, you’re jumping ship and latching on to the new guy.
12-16: Congratulations, you want to have sex with this person but definitely not at his/her apartment. It’s going to always have to be a home game when those are the bones you’re going to be jumping.
17-21: Wow. Ahem, my telephone number is 773-XXX-XXX. Obviously you’re a person of substance…mostly because you have a willingness to put a lot of soup in your tum tum.
22-25: Congratulations, you are willing to climb to the top of the disenfranchised mountain for love. As a prize we will now be sending you a broke female or male of your choice from Williamsburg. Please provide your name, address and chowder soup of choice in the comments section below.
So how’d you fare?
Image via winona state university