It seems as if first marriages are being treated like first kisses these days. People just want to get it over with because they know it’s going to be awkward, with the wrong person and end with with a bad taste in both parties’ mouths. It’s only after the experience that they know what they don’t want rather than what they desire. As the divorce rate hovers around 50%, it certainly touches everyone’s life in some capacity by the time ants on a log suddenly become raisins on celery sticks. I’m at the age where friends, co-workers and compatriots are jumping feet first into the marriage pit, riding crystal stemware, crock-pots and ten different-types of serving plates into a future where the love will grow like their intimate parts will inevitably sag. But the sad truth of the matter is that there’s a better chance that the married couple will end up liking the gift you gave them more than they’ll ending up like each other.
But those are just people. Friends. Cousins. Co-workers. They can be replaced. What about the people that really matter? The ones that captured our attention in half-hour, hour, and 2-hour increments: Our TV and movie couples! Surely, they’d buck the trend of wedded Russian Roulette. Wouldn’t they?
Probably not. But let’s explore.
Edward Lewis & Vivian Ward – Pretty Woman
Why it would still work: Any good relationship starts with a John and a prostitute. Everyone knows that! So Eddie and Viv have that going for them. Next, Edward actually accepts Vivian for who she is, and who she was. Most doomed relationships carry baggage that can’t be as easily discarded as soiled prophylactics. The transparency of their situation lends itself to longevity. Plus, Grandpa and Grandma can tell the kooky old yarn about the time he gave me-ma a hundred bucks to procure his powdered sugar.
Why it wouldn’t: Shopping montages are the number one cause for divorce in America.
Al & Peg Bundy – Married With Children
Why it would still work: When you lovingly hate someone’s guts, that still constitutes a marriage that works. It’s when you feel nothing that you know the relationship is as vapid as Kelly’s observations.
Why it wouldn’t: Women with boastful hair can’t be trusted. Also, red heads have more fun than blondes. And finally, men with thinning hair have no fun at all.
Jerry Maguire & Dorothy Boyd – Jerry Maguire
Why it would still work: “Hello? Hello. I’m lookin’ for my wife. Wait. Okay…okay…okay. If this is where it has to happen, then this is where it has to happen. I’m not letting you get rid of me. How about that? This used to be my specialty. You know, I was good in a living room. They’d send me in there, and I’d do it alone. And now I just… But tonight, our little project, our company had a very big night — a very, very big night. But it wasn’t complete, wasn’t nearly close to being in the same vicinity as complete, because I couldn’t share it with you. I couldn’t hear your voice or laugh about it with you. I miss my — I miss my wife.We live in a cynical world, a cynical world, and we work in a business of tough competitors. I love you. You — complete me.”
“Shut up. Just shut up. You had me at hello.”
Why it wouldn’t: Jonathan Lipnicki grew up to look like this.
Butch & Fabienne – Pulp Fiction
Why it would still work: Despite Butch’s run in with Marcellus Wallace, Zed, a gimp and a creepy pawn shop owner, he came back for Fabienne. The next time you’re questioning the sincerity of your loved one, simply ask them, “would you use a samurai sword to fight your way back to me?”
Why it wouldn’t: It’s a chopper. Not a motorcycle.
Ross Geller and Rachel Green – Friends
Why it would still work: Here’s one of those couples that people rooted for. They rooted for them to get together. They rooted for them to stay together. They ra-rah-rah’d for them to get back together. Everyone has a couple like this in their lives. Why would it still work, because the people around them want it to work. Although that type of relationship is as dangerous as they come.
Why it wouldn’t: The show should have been called, “Friends Who Bang, and then Regret It, and Then Don’t Regret It Anymore.” That’s a vicious cycle. By my calculations, Ross is currently standing in the rain with a dopy haircut as Rachel longingly stares out the window wishing she knew what to do, and what her heart was telling her. If a relationship keeps needing saving, chances are one day it’s going to be D.O.A.
Clarence Worley & Alabama Whitman – True Romance
Why it would still work: Sometimes “hope” really does float.
Why it wouldn’t: Never trust a woman with a city or state for a first name. Ever. Also, in the ending that Tarantino scripted, and that was eventually changed, Clarence is killed and Alabama is left walking a desolate Mexican highway. This is how Pretty Woman would have ended if Quentin Tarantino had his say.
Cliff & Claire Huxtable – The Cosby Show
Why it would still work: Arguably the greatest television marriage of all-time, Cliff and Claire were constantly learning from one another. While they were forever devoted to being parents (and getting their kids out of the house), they never let those roles interfere with being married first and foremost. Plus, lip-synching is better than marriage counseling any day.
Why it wouldn’t: It would. Don’t even think about suggesting such a ludicrous idea.
Phil and Rita – Groundhog Day
Why it would still work: Marriage/relationships are often times described as doing and saying the same thing everyday until the power’s that be grace one person with bad hearing and the other person with bad eyesight. Until that fateful day, life exists with already heard anecdotes and punchlines of jokes that were never funny. With Phil already a seasoned pro at enduring a rat race existence, one can only assume that a romp through life with the woman he loves wouldn’t be so tough.
Why it wouldn’t: A couple that meets during a ceremony that predicts outcomes in weeks instead of months and years is usually a bad sign for longevity purposes.
Jesse and Rebecca Katsopolis – Full House
Why it would still work: In the history of rock and roll and teased mullets, there has never been a single woman who has left a man who had a band called “The Rippers” with his nom de plume in the front. Some call it luck, others point to the rock Gods who say that once you’ve succumb to the magic of Elvis Presley, all of your wildest dreams will come true. Ready to feel old? Their children, Nicky and Alex, played by Blake and Dylan Tuomy Wilhoit, are now 22-years-old in real life.
Why it wouldn’t: Face it, everyone knows Kimmy Gibbler is a tramp.
Westley and Princess Buttercup – The Princess Bride
Why it would still work: “You can’t hurt me. Westley and I are joined by the bonds of love. And you cannot track that, not with a thousand bloodhounds, and you cannot break it, not with a thousand swords.” And–
“There’s a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. It would be a pity to damage yours.”
Why it wouldn’t: Prince Humperdink is one of the better porn star names imaginable. Any woman would like to be able to tell her girlfriends that she got Humperdink’d after a night of drinking SkinnyGirl Tequila.
Cory and Topanga Matthews – Boy Meets World
Why it would still work: Topanga was a 21st century woman living in the 20th century, as evidenced by her ahead of the time hipster tendencies and her moxie when it came to proposing to Cory. While Kevin and Winnie may not have ended up together, at least one Savage brother would end up with his first and only true love.
Why it wouldn’t: Say the name “Rider Strong” to any woman between the age of 24-36 and watch her eyes light up like you just told her carbohydrates made them lose weight.
Meg Ryan and Everybody – Every Movie Meg Ryan Made Was A Love Story
Why it would still work: Meg Ryan likes complicated men.
Why it wouldn’t: Meg Ryan likes complicated men.
Featured image via: mania.com