Wonderful Things That Never Happen On My Morning Commute

I tweet a lot about how commuting is the absolute worst. Unless you love walking through hot passages and making eye contact with toothless people, I don’t recommend a trip through the underground tunnels of NYC. I can’t even begin to explain how much I wish I could Apparate from place to place, but unfortunately Apparation isn’t real (and neither is anything from Harry Potter- which I am coming to terms with).

Even though my commute is one of the few times I’m by myself, it’s also one of the few times I get to hold hands with a stranger and that’s not in my top five list of things to happen on my way to work. So instead I have compiled the following list of wonderful things that never happen on my commute.

Image from here

1. The Hogwarts Express pulls up instead of the 6 train! How wonderful! Instead of being taken to 68th Street, I am taken to the beautiful Hogwarts campus where I can forget the dull breakfast I packed because I’m given a delicious buffet made by house elves that have been freed (but have decided to work for Hogwarts anyway)! My boss says it is okay if I don’t come in and I should enjoy myself. I spend the day roaming the campus and going to Hogsmeade with my new wizard friends. I write an insightful blog post about the experience when I get home. Everyone is jealous.

Image from here

2. I pick a seat on the bus and as usual, someone left behind a piece of trash, I pick it off the seat only to discover it’s a winning lottery ticket! Hooray! I decide to keep it a secret and I am lucky enough to quietly claim the prize without the press knowing. First I make donations and pay off student loans and with the remaining money I buy my mom and house by the beach and hire a private car/jet for myself so I never have to commute again.

Image from Shutter Stock

3. I’m stuck on the 5 train “due to train traffic ahead” when all of a sudden a nice baker with rosy cheeks and a round belly (not unlike Santa Claus) strolls through the car and gives out free, warm French bread from his brown wicker basket. Delightful! What can beat fresh, hot carbs? NOTHING.

Image from Shutter Stock

4. I’m on the ferry listening to boring music on my iPod when the ferry becomes a fun cruise ship! I head to the dining room for a great meal and a nice cruise employee keeps trying to take my picture while I eat. There will be all inclusive food and drinks on the top deck and when I retire to my cabin I will find a fun towel dolphin wearing my sunglasses or maybe a towel dog wearing my sunglasses or maybe a towel bat wearing my sunglasses. It’s fun! Just go with it!

5. If none of the above happens, okay. I can accept that IF, and only if, Mayor Bloomberg himself offers me an award for best train rider of the day. I win a digital camera and some cash prize money and a lively party is thrown in my honor. I get to wear a new dress and pose with the C-list celebrity who was invited. There will be a photo booth and I send my mom a good picture from the night so she can put it on the fridge. (I also get a key to the city. Because why not?)

(In all honesty though, I love the subway system. I think it’s genius. Well done, humans.)


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