I am known for being relatively unsatisfied most of the time. I’ve explained this to my friends and loved ones as my, “happy, but…” disease.
Dinner was great, but I ate too much.
Our apartment is lovely, but the rent is too high.
This party is great, but what else is going on tonight?
I am that person. And, as you might have guessed, that person is not always fun to be. As Hannah Horvath so truthfully said in that Girls episode where she was Patrick Wilson’s live-in girlfriend for two days (dream weekend, by the way)…
I WANT ALL THE THINGS.
I want a career I am proud of and excited about. I want a bank balance that makes sense for how hard I work and the future I desire. I want a clean apartment, and for my dog and cat to stop fighting. I want for there to be endless Cheetos and zero guilt. I want to be social more. I want to drink less. I want a wine tap in my house. I want to have read all the books I probably should have read a long time ago. I want to want to exercise. I want better (or any) healthcare. I want to never get a zit again. I want to be Chrissy Teigen, generally. I want to travel more. I want to have all nice makeup that isn’t covered in the dregs of other makeup. I want pretty hair that never gets tangled. I want people I respect and admire to respect and admire me back. I want a swimming pool. I want a gift certificate to the universe. I want all of those things but not particularly in that order.
Being in your 20s is full of wants. To be free from want is a goal, which I also want, but is a lot lower on my list for one very solid reason: sometimes wanting things is good. Sometimes wanting things helps us figure out who we are, our place in the world, or how hard we are willing to work. It’s okay to want, even if that want is say, for a boyfriend.
Writer and therapist Leslie C. Bell recently penned a piece for The Atlantic, titled “Women In Their 20s Shouldn’t Feel Bad About Wanting A Boyfriend”, and I could not agree more. Bell writes that in a study she conducted among college age women, many were reticent to say they wanted a boyfriend, even if they really did.
When I talk to real women, as I did in researching my book on sexual freedom and 20-something women, I hear young women’s mixed feelings about relationships,” writes Bell. “Some young women deeply desire meaningful relationships with men, even as they feel guilty about those desires. Many express the same sentiment again and again: “Why do I, a young and highly educated woman in the 21st century, value relationships with men so highly?” To do so feels like a betrayal of themselves, of their education, and of their achievements.
Perhaps we are concerned that if we say we want a partner, we risk sounding lonely, or worse, needy? Maybe we fear people thinking we need a boyfriend/girlfriend in order to feel fulfilled? Or maybe we are truly scared that more nights in watching Netflix with your boo will mean less nights at networking events, or working on your screenplay. Typically, partners are thought of as distractions, or worse, as a negative way for us to form our identities. We want so many things, but we feel icky and old fashioned when one of those things is a partner.
I was having serious relationship problems with my husband and it had resulted in him moving out.Everything got worse,he started going to strip clubs frequently,getting drunk and passing out..Sometimes when we talked on phone,he would threaten me,he was just not himself and our children were suffering for all the drama. I really love him and we had been married for 15yrs which gave us three beautiful daughters..I had also lost a lot of money on therapists and spell-casters..I was in debt and I felt my world crumbling..I was introduced to a spell caster by a friend who he helped with the same thing and I thought it was just a scam all over again but this time it was different..I did all he asked me to and after a few days,he started getting better,he started calling,texting,things just changed between us,emotions,our love.He has a job and has been sober since and am also out of debt..Its a miracle I never believed was possible,I had lost all hope until I found him..He works and if you have the same problem I did,he is the solution:templeofloved@gmail.com
I really appreciate this article!
Such a great article! Made me feel great that I’m not the only one who wants everything!
I love this article! I didn’t realise it until now but I always feel like I shouldn’t mention my boyfriend in blog posts and feel like I may come under criticism when I do – even though I had FIVE years of being ‘the single one’ and am more than qualified to write about that too. Finding the balance between loving someone and not giving up your world for them can be hard, but I think just wanting to is enough. You have inspired me to write my own post about this!xx
My boyfriend is my biggest fan! He supports everything I want to do – from nude shoots (for a gallery) to moving across country for a 2 year acting conservatory training to making an hour long drive to get a mani-pedi, in the rain, to remedy my PMS. I support him, too. I’m STOKED when he wants hit the road for a weekend of Magic: The Gathering in North Carolina OR Japan (whatevs) with friends or when he wants to do a crazy CrossFit WOD that may or may not snap his neck. You need a teammate in life. It makes your successes more enjoyable and your failures more bearable.
I’m lucky enough to have the boyfriend thing sorted, I got married last year aged 23. But now people seem to think I am no longer ambitious and don’t want all of those other things listed.
I still want them and I still want to achieve them! it is frustrating that some people think the be all and end all is marriage and now I must turn old overnight and be content with everything else too. I love my husband all the world but we’re just starting out. We are lucky enough to be hunting all those things we WANT together.
Great article! makes me feel like i am not the only one!!!
Yep I like it. I like the idea and the concept. I particularly liked the reply from Megan Ford.
made me v happy.
Just one issue . .
“, if you want a partner, join OkCupid or go to the bar and get one.”
If ONLY it were that easy !!!
Ha! I thought the same thing!
Great article, I really needed to read something like this.
Thank you for this post. I got married very young (21), and basically heard from my female friends that I was crazy, and giving up all my freedom for a man. I also found that all of those friends disappeared the minute I said I do. We both have our careers, and have now been married for almost 8 years. The last paragraph of this entry truly defines our relationship. We have weaved our lives together so perfectly over the better part of a decade, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. We travel together, we cook together, we have a great group of friends, and we are happy. I am proud of everything that I have achieved at work, but my greatest accomplishment in life is my marriage. My husband is my best friend, and in the end it all comes down to the fact that I don’t want to spend my evenings, my vacations, or my retired years hand in hand with my career. I want to spend that time with him.
I am no longer in my 20s but this still hits close to home. Very well said!!!
I’ve never read anything that has hit home for me so much before. It’s interesting to see that I’m not the only one. Thanks for posting.