Women’s Magazine Profile of a Normal GirlAisha Muharrar

Reese. Angelina. Charlize. There are certain women, certain A-level actresses, who require no last name introduction. They capture our attention as nubile starlets and continue to charm as they become their generation’s leading ladies, style icons and tabloid fodder.

The woman interviewed here shows up on the tenth page of Google results for her first and last name, and even then I’m not sure it’s her. And yet she’s been unstoppable this year. She has two movies out. They are Troop Beverly Hills and Inception. Both are from Netflix and both have been sitting on her desk for six months. She recently went all around the world in an afternoon at her mall’s new Global Food Court. And she’s at the top of her game right now with a personal best Angry Birds score of 79980.

She arrives red, splotchy, and with a chin zit. If you’re paying attention, you can hear the gasps from across the room. And who can blame them? It’s not every day you see a 26-year-old executive assistant pull up in a 93 Ford Escort with a forgotten foam curler still wrapped around her still-wet bangs. She fills the room with an unmistakable air of anxious insecurity. “Do you have a ponytail thingy I can borrow?” she asks.

She’s wearing an H&M sweater dress and boots her mom bought for her from The Shoe Emporium. As she pulls down the hem of her dress so she can sit, I tell her it’s great to meet her. She shakes out her mane (in a desperate attempt to air dry) and says, “We’ve actually met before. At Alex’s party?” We have? Her face isn’t ringing any bells. But then I realize, of course, she must get this a lot. After all, this girl is incredibly average.

But how did a little girl with a dream become a woman with small manageable goals? This is the same girl whose best friends Jenn and Sarah say she’s great and is always the first to respond to group emails. Her mom calls her “my angel” and adds, “Tell her she looks so pretty when she leaves her hair curly. She won’t listen if it comes from me.”

She orders a large Diet Coke and bagel. “I’m on a diet,” she says. A diet? With a girl like her, you can’t help but think: Sure, makes sense.

When she first moved to this city, she lived in a small two-bedroom apartment that she shared with the cousin of a college friend. Now, five years later, her living arrangements remain the same. Could this really be the same girl who once made a plate of nachos to bring to a Super Bowl party, then stayed home and ate them all by herself while watching a Lizzie McGuire marathon? She nods, remembering those nachos. “I still can’t believe my life. I mean, I really thought I’d be using my graduate degree.”

And to top it all off: she’s not in love! Not even close. After the Susan Sarandon – Tim Robbins breakup, she’s not even sure love is real. She’s quick to add, “But I did hook up with this guy on Friday and I don’t know, maybe that will turn into something.” She shows me a text he sent her and I immediately get the hint that she wants me to ask her more. She loves talking about her personal life. I let her know the guy she’s been seeing spoke to me about her for this profile. He said, “She’s… a six.” She bursts into tears. Then I can barely make it out, but it sounds like she’s singing Beyonce’s ‘Irreplaceable’ to herself. She takes a deep breath, mutters, “To the left, to the left,” then gives her full attention back to me. Then she cries a little more.

It makes you wonder how she has time for it all. She admits her schedule makes it hard to keep a balance. “I’m home from work by 5:20. But then there are so many Law & Order reruns to watch. It’s kind of insane.”

I ask her what she’s most excited about for the future. “It would be great to not have to live with roommates,” she says. Any heroes? “Yeah. There’s a girl I follow on Twitter who has five hundred more followers than me.” Does she prefer Los Angeles or New York? “Never been to either.” Fitness routine? “Yeah, I’d love to have one.” She forces a smile at a moment of awkward silence, rests her cheek on her chipped between -manicures hand, then says, “I really have to stop touching my face.”

Captivating. Exquisite. Carefree. These are all words she used to describe Blake Lively over the course of our conversation. And it is only once we part ways that I realize something very important. I’ve forgotten her name. Just totally blanked. I feel like it was Laura?

Images via imageshack.us and marieclaire.com

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  1. this was so good. an accurate portrayal of what an interview with a girl should actually be like.. sounds like me in 5 years lol

  2. “I’m home from work by 5:20. But then there are so many Law & Order reruns to watch. It’s kind of insane.” Hahahaha, awesome!

  3. so true, though! love the part where she’s singing to herself- i would so do that :)

  4. Spot on satire. I loved it!

  5. omg i completely adored this. however, it is too much like my own life. i need a new life. also i wish i had written this. TOO FUNNY.

  6. BRILLIANT!

  7. I still have no idea who this is

  8. Nice article. It was fun to read.

  9. Pure gold.

  10. this article is so accurate! if only women’s magazines would realise that we care about more than the fact that Actress Y orders a Caesar salad and “loves food”, finds L.A. “weird/intimidating/corrupting” and looks beautiful in her American Apparel cotton dress. I want to hear about movies please!

  11. Yes!

  12. I do not remember giving an interview to you! :)
    Cute and hilarious!

  13. This was fantastic :)

  14. this is HILARIOUS! i couldn’t stop laughing!!!

  15. haha. This is great. You captured the essence of every woman’s magazine ever and quietly mocked them. Well done.