Champagne Problems

Winning The Lottery

Hey Kittens. Just an FYI. The video above is my mom making me check her lottery numbers. But, we’ll get to that later.

Zippidy doo dah you are going to be stoked when I reveal the secret/undeniably invincible way to winning the lottery. Are you ready for this? Got your notepad out to jot down some genius. Here is comes…The secret to winning the lottery is Don’t. Effin. Play. The. Lottery. Whaaaa? “JC, you promised us happy town but then dropped us off in Bummersville.”  I know. “But, you promised advice and now you’re just raining on my tiny acrobat parade.” Look, I said I kno– wait.  Why do you have a tiny acrobat parade? And second, do I need to buy tickets to that? Because that sounds hella dope.

Look, I waited in line for twenty bloody minutes while an older and slightly grumpy man threw his hard earned dough at a gas station attendant named Earl, who I am convinced didn’t work there, but instead stole the real gas attendant’s skin and was now wearing it as his own (more on that another time). She just kept pumping numbers out of no where. All the while, the rest of us were left rolling our eyes impatiently and almost collectively began to steal stuff and/or decided to open our bags of chips and soda like a whiny menstrual maniac. My point? The lottery most never returns the favor.  Yes, its possible to win. But its also possible to write a novel, or travel the world, or invent something. Is that of interest? Probably not, because it will take work. “The Lotto,” as we called it in my hometown of Pittsburgh, is the jam. People get out of bed early for it, hold up lines in gas stations to do it, and patiently wait to see which family that once lived in a trailer now  doesn’t have to anymore. People get home from work, plop down in front of the tube and wait for the lotto mascot wearing lotto gear to pull balls out of a cage and determine someone’s financial fate.

I have never gotten the appeal. Maybe that’s why I am so anti-ball in cage. It’s just that I am convinced, even though I can be disproved by society’s “winners,” that nobody actually WINS the lottery. If they do win, where in the heavens is this money coming from? And, why can’t we make more of it to get me out of my college debt knowing now that I didn’t need college anyway because I turned out to be a hip comedy blogger that makes her living over-thinking things?  The lottery has never appealed to me, ever, but my family plays it religiously, almost to the point where if they are not at home in time to see the numbers live, we stop at a Best Buy and ask them to put the winning number channel on. Thank you, Roy. Where ever you are.

Most people say “Don’t play the lottery.” Take that $1 that you’d spend, save it, and watch it grow. And yes, over the course of those four years it will multiply because of the investment, but wouldn’t it behoove someone to throw the equal amount  into tickets? Ya know, just in case? The hell if I know. All I know is everyone that’s ever bought a lottery ticket before my very eyes, to the best of my knowledge, has never won. But who knows, maybe that toothless man that was arguing with the gas station attendant on lucky numbers  is somewhere is Maui holding a massive unnecessarily large check grinning from ear to ear.  I doubt it. But the flip side of all of this is that I captured a glimpse of how seriously funny my Mother is about the lottery. On the tape, she forces me at 3 o’clock in the morning to check her lotto numbers  because she doesn’t have Internet. Yea. You heard me. Roll the tape!

Video not exclusive to Hellogiggles

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