When I was a kid I had the best backyard for playing pretend. There were trees to climb, places to hide and plenty of room to run. My best friend Richard and I would spend hours exploring the worlds we had created within the fenced in honeysuckle confines of my backyard. One of our favorite scenarios that we played out on the regular was the life and time of that rag tag group of crime fighters we call the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Richard would play the roles of all the turtles, Raphael, Donatello, Michelangelo and Leonardo, and I would take on the roles of the street smart and savvy reporter April O’Neil. With our powers combine we could take on any super villain in our path.
I know what you are thinking, “Gee Mara, it is a little lame you didn’t want to be one of the turtles” and to that I say, “Shut it. I love April O’Neil, she is a gum shoe with moxie and I will defend my choice to the end.”
My love of April O’Neil has shaped who I am today. In fact, it even help me get into journalism school because I wrote my entrance essay on how April O’Neil had been the reason I wanted to be a reporter.
Even now, even though I am not a journalist by trade I still consider myself a version of April O’Neil. As a comic you find yourself with primarily more dudes then ladies and these guys are usually party dudes who love pizza and sometimes live underground or in conditions similar to the sewers the Turtles occupied so I am basically a modern day April.
So as any nostalgic child of the ’90s I was excited to hear about the upcoming Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle remake by Michael Bay. It would be a little slice of my childhood and I could not wait to see who would play one of my all-time favorite characters from childhood. Who was going to slip into the yellow jumpsuit and hit the streets versus the Shredder and his foot soldiers? Who was going to inspire the next generation of little girls to be adventurous and brave?
Maybe Emma Watson? Or Emma Stone? Or any Emma for that matter. Nope. Megan Fox. And I have to tell you I am not completely thrilled by this discovery.
Clearly, Megan Fox is doing something right. She is a beautiful actress who makes millions of dollars, has great hair and is married to Brian Austin Green, who has really grown out of his David Silver days on 90210 and is now a stone cold fox but, to me she doesn’t scream April O’Neil.
I really have nothing against Megan, she is probably nice enough, but it just feels wrong to me. She doesn’t seem like the type of gal who will take the top off of a sewer drain, jump down into the underbelly of the city and hang with the turtles in a half shell.
So that is why I am throwing my hat in the ring to be considered the next April O’Neil. Sure, production on this multimillion dollar production has already begun but I am sure once Michael Bay sees my reasons he will just have to halt production, fly me out and buy me a drink cause I am a lady.
1)I look great in yellow.
I really do. My pale Irish skin glows when I am in yellow. I am a spring in my color palette so it only makes sense.
2)You give me a jumpsuit and I will give you my slamming bod.
No hassle, no fuss, I’ll just step on in to the most form fitting body suit you can imagine. Zip it up and the only thing that will come to mind is CAUTION: CURVES. Jumpsuits offer the mobility and flexibility that April (me) need to fight crime. I have already done the research and have been wearing only body suits in preparation for the movie. Trust me, there is no camel toe or front butt, just high kicks for days.
3) I have a degree in Broadcast News from a now discredit journalism school.
When I got my degree it was accredited so I am completely legit. You wouldn’t have to teach me the journalist lingo because I already have it down. I can do the standup, the walk and talk, interviews with the man on the street after an unexplained turtle sighting, I know how to use a camera and I even know how to edit ( kind of ) on Final Cut Pro. I could be a one man band getting the scoop on the Foot Soldiers and Shredders evil plans. And because of my non-descript jumpsuit I would go unnoticed as I follow up on a hot lead. I also take my journalistic integrity very seriously. I would only sleep with a source if it was a really, really good story, like a restaurant review. If you check out any of my NewsTeam Boulder tapes from my college days, you would see I would be an excellent addition to the Channel 6.
4) I can fit in a sewer drain, no problem.
You would not know it by looking at me but I can squeeze myself into all sorts of positions. Just ask my boyfriend, ba da ching! But honestly I don’t mind getting a little dirty. I think it would be interesting to be in the sewers. I could find all sorts of stuff that people have flushed away like baby alligators, diamonds rings and poop. It would be like a treasure hunt. I would have no qualms with eating pizza in the sewer, I am sure those pepperonis are fresh.
5) I am willing to dye my hair red.
I think I could pull it off. Red is my power color. And red and yellow together. SO flattering.
6) I am willing to experiment.
April has been known to have a relationship with vigilante Casey Jones but I am willing to take it one step further. I would have a love affair with one of the turtles. Thinking about the scandal! A teenager! A mutant! A turtle! No one would understand our love and that is what would make it so powerful. Westborro Baptist Church would have a field day. I am not picky I would date any of the turtles, hell or all of them! Together they do make up the perfect man. I am not sure how all the sex stuff would work (I AM A JOURNALIST NOT A SCIENTIST DAMN IT) but when the shell is a spinning, April will be a winning.
7) I can keep a secret.
Like April, I am a loyal and steadfast friend. Just like she never revealed the identity of the turtles I never revealed that my friend Mindy gave up her baby in college………… I mean I have kept many secrets as well.
8) I will go topless.
No need to explain this one. I would. I would do that for you Michael Bay.
So Mr. Bay why don’t you take a chance on an unknown up and coming comic who can go shell to shell with any CGI turtle. Think of the street cred you would get from the fans by using someone who is so very similar to April and who is an actual journalist (in a way) I will be steam pressing my jumpsuit as I wait for your response.
You can read more from Mara Wiles on her blog.
Feature image via.