Why I Just Don't Get The Goonies

I know what I have to say is not going to be popular. Nobody asked me for my opinion but I’m gonna share it nonetheless. So with all this in mind, let me tell you why:

I don’t get The Goonies.

I don’t like The Goonies.

I know this seems like a horrible thing to say. It seems like the kind of thing one shouldn’t say, unless they want to be called out as some sort of witch or a devil or some other character related to Halloween. Which is crazy because I love Halloween.

But I definitely don’t love The Goonies.

To be perfectly honest, I don’t exactly remember what happened in the film because I found it so unappealing and my sole viewing of it was about 7 years ago. Perhaps part of its magic is watching it when you’re young enough not to question what you’re looking at. Because all I remember is a bunch of kids, some sort of gang of bullies, and a really creepy monster who might’ve been a person with some sort of mental problem and a physical deformity. I think they were all hunting for treasure because they needed money to save the town or some such junk.

How can I possibly hate something I don’t even remember? Well, easily. That’s how much I hated it. When I truly hate something, I tend to wipe it from memory. And just thinking about it stirs up negative feelings similar to those that arise when I think about going to the dentist or being forced to dance at parties.

One might argue that I’m an adult, so obviously I wouldn’t like some kids’ movie. Not true! I love plenty of movies and TV shows aimed at kids – be they past or present. I constantly watch things not aimed at my demographic and anyone with half a brain will tell you there’s tons to learn from cartoons. There are tons of people who can attest to my age-inappropriate enthusiasm for tween programming and/or movies. Give me kids battling monsters or bullies and stories where teenage girls get makeovers and participate in group dance numbers and I am there. That stuff appeals to everyone, right? And I just plain butts-out love scamps – be they The Sandlot bunch trying to retrieve a baseball in kooky ways because knocking on that neighbor’s door is just too terrifying or Labyrinth’s selfish jerk girl who has to practically die to retrieve the obnoxious baby she wished away.

But The Goonies just lacked that certain pizzazz I want to see in an adventure movie. It was too weird without enough fun. I love weird things, generally speaking, but only when I find them fun. For example, I much prefer, say, Forbidden Zone to Trash Humpers. Although my dislike of Trash Humpers is making me realize I might hate Goonies because of that awful rubber-masked monster. I have just realized I really don’t like rubber masks, or masks on characters with whom I’m supposed to sympathize. Go figure. The point is, is that Forbidden Zone had a human chandelier and that was weird and I liked it. Whereas Trash Humpers had mask-wearing people humping trash and I didn’t like it. And The Goonies employs similar poor-quality mask-wearing. But I digress.

In the film, I’m pretty sure a gang of adults was trying to stop the kids from doing something – and the mean old people gang didn’t even get to meet any violent end, a la Home Alone or Home Alone 2: Lost in New York. This was a major blow to the film’s structure.  What’s the point in having an adult who’s a turd if they’re not going to meet a grisly end? Or at least have a mental breakdown like Ms. Trunchbull in Matilda. I think they might just get arrested, if I remember correctly.

The thing that most deterred me was that oddly formed monster guy. Where did that thing even come from?? He wasn’t a person – was he? As far as I remember, he was chained in a hole underground or something. And I think he was a nice monster, but I couldn’t make it past his unmoving rubbery malformed face. Call me shallow, but I prefer my monsters made of rocks like the Rock Biter in the Neverending Story or made of pizza like Pizza the Hut in Spaceballs.

The Goonies should appeal to me, which I suppose is the most frustrating part of all. With Amazon reviews like: “Within the first 5 minutes of the movie there was foul language by the KIDS in the movie, reference to drugs, and a small statue of a naked man with an erection” and “what child enjoys seeing a pale, dead body fall out of the closet? AWFUL” and “There is also a scene in which a child mentions sexual torture, a fake hanging scene, and some talk about sex” – it seems like something any person could enjoy! But, sadly, no. One reviewer states, “My parents won’t let me watch this and I’m almost eleven.”

I wish my parents had stopped me. And I was almost 18. But if they had stopped me, that would’ve been hard since I was living 3000 miles away from them at the time. That would’ve required a lot of time, travel and most of all, LOVE.

I guess I was hoping for the magic of, say, a Hook or even the dumb delight of D3: The Might Ducks. Yup, I’m saying the third film in The Mighty Ducks series was more enjoyable for me than The Goonies. The inimitable D3: the last in The Mighty Ducks trilogy, which we all know had about as much of the original film’s stupid charm as Saved by the Bell: The New Class had of Saved by the Bell.

But for me, The Goonies boiled down to a bunch of screaming kids running around, adult villains who were too obnoxious to remember but apparently to harmless to deserve a collapsed cave death, and I guess at some point a kid befriends a person/monster/creature and that’s supposed to  be a lovely message. Nuts to The Goonies. It doesn’t work for this lady.

Sometimes I think I should give The Goonies another chance. But then I remember how a large part of the film is spent in tunnels or underground or in some cave grotto. And there’s nothing I hate more than being in tunnels or underground or in random cave grottos. Except maybe being forced to re-watch The Goonies.

Originally posted at Gumdrop Lane.

Images via mymovies.ge, tobivilla.123.is

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