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Why I Can’t Be a Hipster

I will never be a hipster. Lord knows, I would love to be the adorable hipster girl constantly surrounded by a cornucopia of old (sorry, vintage) knickity knacks of equal parts irony and instagramability.

I used to exist under the disillusion that I had untapped hipster potential, but I’ve accepted that I don’t. There’s a fairy that glides over South Williamsburg tucking all the hipsters into bed and bestowing magical ideas upon them. That fairy is unfamiliar with the Central Jersey area. I write this for the purpose of telling all those who are like me, that’s it is okay. You do you, YOLO, be your own person. Hopefully the Hipster Illuminati will not off me for authoring this article of insurgence.

What follows is an enumerated recounting of my failed experiences desperately trying to join the church of hipsterism.

1.) Urban Outfitters
I go to Urban Outfitters, the natural habitat of the hipster. I can’t say I SHOP at Urban Outfitters, but I go. I only understand approximately 50-53% of their merchandise… Why overall shorts? Furthermore, why overall shorts for $98? Why am I to pay such a premium for clothing I was once mocked mercilessly for wearing as a young homeschooled child?

2.) Living in a State of Ironicism (Combination of cynicism and irony)
Anything I like, I like unironically. I watch the Golden Girls, because the Golden Girls are amazing and they inspire me to someday kill off my three best friend’s husbands so we can all live together and share clothes. I do not mockingly scoff at Justin Bieber for sport, I don’t care about Justin Bieber, so I don’t bring up Justin Bieber.

3.) Keeping up with “Indie” Music
It’s exhausting to not only know all the music, but to know it before all the other people. The second I’m patting myself on the back for getting on board with Bon Iver, it’s all like “Bon Iver? Nah, we are going to the Disco Biscuits”, and I gotta be like “Ohh yeah the Disco Biscuits… I’m so totally already over them that I don’t even want you to ask me to name one of their songs.” Then I resume listening to Coldplay, because Strawberry Swing is my jam and ain’t nobody got time for all this.

4.) Going Vegan
Is butter a carb?

5.) Being a Foodie
None of my foods are worth instagramming, not that that has ever stopped me. I really enjoy string cheese and Campbell’s classic chicken noodle soup.

6.) Giving off the “I don’t care” Vibe
I care. There is little to nothing that I’m indifferent about, I can rant on any given topic for 15-24 minutes. This can be exhausting. My ulcers are not hipster.

7.) Consignment Shopping
I could get on board with this if thrift shops emailed me weekly 15 “must haves” that I could just clickity click into an online shopping bag and have delivered to my doorstep, preferably with free shipping. I’m not a shopper by nature, I have a hunt and gather mentality… I need a sweater, so I buy a sweater. I have no urge to spend my weekends getting all hot and bothered over telephones that look like telephones.

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