Girl Talk Who's Your Disney Spirit Animal? Julia Gazdag

We all grew up with Disney films and have a slew of wonderful female role models to guide us through life’s tough road to our own very own happy ending. Lucky for all of us mostly-white, heteronormative ladies, we can still learn lessons from these fine women of the animated screen. I present you with my favorites – see if you can spot who you identify with most (note: your mother has to be dead if you want to be a princess)!

 

The Princess – You’re not really sure why you got a happy ending, but you’re also not the most stable person since you spend your free time making tiny clothes for tiny animals. Somewhere at some point there was something about you being hard working and virtuous, but as far as Disney goes, you mostly just get rewarded for putting up with abuse. You don’t try to solve your own problems, you wish and hope them away and then luck out. Good for you! Buy me a lottery ticket?

 

That Other Princess, Who’s Not Really a Princess But Calling You That Is Better For Marketing Products With Your Image On It – You like to read, even though you’re a girl. Everyone thinks you’re weird, because girls aren’t supposed to be smart, but you, being the rebel spirit that you are, like to educate yourself through story books. You’re very self-sacrificing, whether you’re saving your dad from a furry anger management reject, or putting up with said anger management reject’s antics because you’re secretly hoping the dinnerware will do another Bob Fosse number. Speaking of which, you may want to look into that whole seeing-the-dinnerware-go-all-Broadway thing, there are better ways to deal with stressful situations.

 

The Sushi Princess – You have zero self-respect and are kind of boy crazy, to the point of stalking. You might be unsafe and unstable, though you probably also have an eating disorder and are too frail to cause any serious damage to anyone, should you fully lose it. You have no thoughts or ideas to express and put no value on your heritage, so you find it easy to make shady deals with shady people in back alleys. You would make a great drug mule, as long as your destination was your crush’s house and it pissed your dad off.

 

The Ethnic Princess – You resent your privilege and are ready to shed it the first time you don’t get your own way. You’re also more than ready to use it to your advantage the second things get tough, like when someone wants to cut off your hand because you have no idea how an economy works, even though you’ll have to help run your country one day. You like fancy things and using your sexuality to get out of scary situations. While your brain is fully functional, it’s mostly focused on basic language skills, involuntary organ functions, and keeping your tube top on even though the sleeves are just kind of floating there. Oh wait, that’s your boobs.

 

The Gender Queer – You are adorable and everyone loves you for being you. You are of ambiguous gender and sexuality, and I’m not sure how you made it into a Disney film, but props to you. Let the revolution begin!

 

The Other Ethnic Princess – You are a product of Disney’s token mid-90′s interest in multiculturalism. Congrats! You have sacrificed your historical accuracy for the more important greater good of fitting the standard princess story. Most of your life’s facts have been changed, but at least in this story your nation doesn’t die from war and disease. Your happy ending has educated thousands of children about your heritage and the importance of tolerance, as brought to you by white Anglo-Saxon colonists! I have serious issues with you, we probably shouldn’t hang out.

 

The Heroine – You risk your life and overcome your fears repeatedly to save the life of your child. You are a single mother raising three children and do so without any complaints, while focusing on your husband’s legacy and how it can help your family. You are also a Don Bluth character from his post-Disney career, and were an MGM production. You have nothing to do with Disney, except for how much you threatened them with your film’s success. No wonder you don’t fit in with these other gals!

 

The Sociopath – I’m not sure what went wrong in your childhood, but you probably have a lot of mommy issues. You hate the given heroine of your story, and are often related to her.  A woman in a position of power, you feel compelled to destroy anyone and everyone for the sake of sheer evil while spewing your Mr. T complex all over the place and calling them fools. Your often psychotic reaction helps prove the point that women are better people when they’re submissive. If we’re lucky, you get to sing and dance before you’re inevitably killed in the interest of a happy ending.

 

This Is Not About You – You somehow got this story named after you, even though you’re the least active character in it. You’re very good at singing and looking pretty and are easily distracted by shiny things. You fall in love with the first man you meet, because you cannot resist the overpowering manliness of his manly masculinity. Your three winged fairy friends drive your whole story, fixing everything for you and fighting your boyfriend’s battles for him, but you take the credit, and a sizable nap for good measure.

All images Ⓒ Disney, except Mrs. Brisby who is Ⓒ MGM

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  1. I freaking love you for posting this. You are fantastic, Julia!

  2. Hmmm, Peter Pan was def my Disney role model. Sorry lady characters. : (

  3. If I was a princess and someone was about to cut off my hand, I think I would use that privilege to my advantage too! I don’t mean to nitpick but Snow White is sickling her foot in the ballerina picture and if Belle keeps arching her back like that while she’s dancing she will have some serious lower back pain!

  4. WHAT ABOUT MULAN?!?! She only wants to bring honor to her family’s name!

  5. I actually spit out my cereal from laughing. This is amazing. I’d have to say one of the best princesses is Gisele, from Enchanted. Although she did make her dream dude out of a bunch of crap with some rodents to help, she did stick to her morals throughout the whole story. Also, she’s extremely resourceful – I could never make a full outfit out of curtains in less than two years. SPOILER ALERT: The real win for her, though, is the fact that she turned her passion into a career when she created a fashion line for young girls. Although all we really see is her giggling with measuring tape around her neck, I choose to respect her.

  6. Ariel assessment rocked. Daddy issues…..Belle was always my homegirl from a bookworm brunette standpoint, but relatively boring compared to Ariel, who I was too innocent to psychoanalyze.

  7. Hilarious…i laughed the whole time i read it!

  8. Hilariously entertaining, and that’s coming from a Disney Princess Guru.

  9. Mrs. Briz all the way!

  10. Love this post! Good job!

  11. Even though I watched the Little Mermaid on repeat (literally, my mom had to rewind it or I’d cry) when I was very small, I always identified most with Belle.

    Always been an odd duck (some might say geek, I say, quack), ended been an English major. Bada-bing!

  12. Great article, It is about time those nefarious ‘princesses’ were put in their place. Bravo

  13. I was younger when I first saw little mermaid and Ariel was probably my first animated crush but I also knew she was only 16. Now I’m older and I still fondly recall how hot she is but that also makes me feel like a creep. Also, something about Ursula’s confidence, voice, and just general swagger makes her kinda sexy in a overweight, octopus lady kind of way.

  14. No love for Tinkerbell? I am such a Tinkerbell.

  15. I always figured my Disney Spirit Animal was one of the hippos in tutus from “Fantasia”. I might have to re-think now!

  16. Hey. HEY. Hey. The Beast was a prince. Belle married him. That makes her a princess. Anyway, this is great and true and your articles are among my favorites.

    Apocalypstick | 5/02/2012 12:05 pm
  17. Yeah, that sums it up. Wait… what about tangled and the frog pricness?

  18. snake from metal gear solid…

  19. Hm, I sound most like Aurora here, lol!

  20. This is hilarious because it is so true! I remember watching The Little Mermaid with my mom when I was little and trying to block out her complaints about how stupid it was that a 16 year old was so obsessed with getting married to a complete stranger against her father’s wishes. At the time I thought she was being a buzzkill, but she may have had a point… :)

    • The original Andersen story is morbid enough with its overt Christianity and devaluing of any thinking person who isn’t Christian, but what Disney did to it just kind of makes my stomach turn. Your mom is a smart lady! I’m betting classy, too.

    • I’ve been watching Little Mermaid for so long that she was older than me when it came out…..and therefore I often fail to remember she’s only 16. Maybe your mom WAS onto something!