We all grew up with Disney films and have a slew of wonderful female role models to guide us through life’s tough road to our own very own happy ending. Lucky for all of us mostly-white, heteronormative ladies, we can still learn lessons from these fine women of the animated screen. I present you with my favorites – see if you can spot who you identify with most (note: your mother has to be dead if you want to be a princess)!
The Princess – You’re not really sure why you got a happy ending, but you’re also not the most stable person since you spend your free time making tiny clothes for tiny animals. Somewhere at some point there was something about you being hard working and virtuous, but as far as Disney goes, you mostly just get rewarded for putting up with abuse. You don’t try to solve your own problems, you wish and hope them away and then luck out. Good for you! Buy me a lottery ticket?
That Other Princess, Who’s Not Really a Princess But Calling You That Is Better For Marketing Products With Your Image On It – You like to read, even though you’re a girl. Everyone thinks you’re weird, because girls aren’t supposed to be smart, but you, being the rebel spirit that you are, like to educate yourself through story books. You’re very self-sacrificing, whether you’re saving your dad from a furry anger management reject, or putting up with said anger management reject’s antics because you’re secretly hoping the dinnerware will do another Bob Fosse number. Speaking of which, you may want to look into that whole seeing-the-dinnerware-go-all-Broadway thing, there are better ways to deal with stressful situations.
The Sushi Princess – You have zero self-respect and are kind of boy crazy, to the point of stalking. You might be unsafe and unstable, though you probably also have an eating disorder and are too frail to cause any serious damage to anyone, should you fully lose it. You have no thoughts or ideas to express and put no value on your heritage, so you find it easy to make shady deals with shady people in back alleys. You would make a great drug mule, as long as your destination was your crush’s house and it pissed your dad off.
The Ethnic Princess – You resent your privilege and are ready to shed it the first time you don’t get your own way. You’re also more than ready to use it to your advantage the second things get tough, like when someone wants to cut off your hand because you have no idea how an economy works, even though you’ll have to help run your country one day. You like fancy things and using your sexuality to get out of scary situations. While your brain is fully functional, it’s mostly focused on basic language skills, involuntary organ functions, and keeping your tube top on even though the sleeves are just kind of floating there. Oh wait, that’s your boobs.
The Gender Queer – You are adorable and everyone loves you for being you. You are of ambiguous gender and sexuality, and I’m not sure how you made it into a Disney film, but props to you. Let the revolution begin!
The Other Ethnic Princess – You are a product of Disney’s token mid-90’s interest in multiculturalism. Congrats! You have sacrificed your historical accuracy for the more important greater good of fitting the standard princess story. Most of your life’s facts have been changed, but at least in this story your nation doesn’t die from war and disease. Your happy ending has educated thousands of children about your heritage and the importance of tolerance, as brought to you by white Anglo-Saxon colonists! I have serious issues with you, we probably shouldn’t hang out.
The Heroine – You risk your life and overcome your fears repeatedly to save the life of your child. You are a single mother raising three children and do so without any complaints, while focusing on your husband’s legacy and how it can help your family. You are also a Don Bluth character from his post-Disney career, and were an MGM production. You have nothing to do with Disney, except for how much you threatened them with your film’s success. No wonder you don’t fit in with these other gals!
The Sociopath – I’m not sure what went wrong in your childhood, but you probably have a lot of mommy issues. You hate the given heroine of your story, and are often related to her. A woman in a position of power, you feel compelled to destroy anyone and everyone for the sake of sheer evil while spewing your Mr. T complex all over the place and calling them fools. Your often psychotic reaction helps prove the point that women are better people when they’re submissive. If we’re lucky, you get to sing and dance before you’re inevitably killed in the interest of a happy ending.
This Is Not About You – You somehow got this story named after you, even though you’re the least active character in it. You’re very good at singing and looking pretty and are easily distracted by shiny things. You fall in love with the first man you meet, because you cannot resist the overpowering manliness of his manly masculinity. Your three winged fairy friends drive your whole story, fixing everything for you and fighting your boyfriend’s battles for him, but you take the credit, and a sizable nap for good measure.
All images Ⓒ Disney, except Mrs. Brisby who is Ⓒ MGM