If you’ve been keeping up with my weekly column, you may now understand just how ridiculous my dreams are. For those of you that are new, here is the gist: I’m a vivid dreamer of dreams that usually involve celebrities. Two celebrities in particular tend to show up in most if not all of my dreams—Beyonce and Jay Z. Yeah, I don’t get it either but I’ve learned to stop asking questions and just go along for the ride.
This is a dream from Sunday, June 10th.
It started on the set of what I think was the music video for the Jay-Z/Kanye West song Otis. Why do I make the assumption that we were on the Otis set? Because Aziz Ansari and I were holding on for dear life in the backseat of a doorless Bentley while Jay and Kanye were in the front driving like maniacs. While this makes sense—Jay-Z, Kanye and Aziz do in fact drive a doorless Bentley like maniacs in the real-life video for Otis—it was also terrifying. I believe at this point we can classify this dream as a nightmare.
But things change on a dime in the world of sleep, and I quickly found myself in the backseat of another Bentley. This time it had doors and Kanye drove while Jay hung in the back with me. This was altogether a much more classy and calming scene. Both men were wearing tuxes and we were all drinking champagne—Cristal, of course. Soft jazz might have been playing.
Typical Kanye, though, was up to no good. It seems that Kanye was on a mission and Jay and I were along for the ride, like it or not. Next thing I know the three of us were parked outside of Johnnie’s Deli—a real-life deli on the corner of Fairfax and Wilshire in Los Angeles—and in said deli parking lot Kanye’s mission came to light. Turns out we were there to spy on Kim Kardashian and her soon-to-be-ex-husband Kris Humphries.
Now while I don’t necessarily buy into everything Kardashian in real-life, in fake-life I was completely engrossed. Kim was crying. Kris was crying. Kanye was an anxious mess. It was a heartbreaking situation all around. It literally pained Kanye to see Kim in such distress. He kept asking Jay and me if he should go interrupt but we told him no, he needed to let Kim and Kris resolve their problems in their own time.
Next thing we knew, Kim was out of Kris’s car and Kanye was rushing out of ours to meet her. An epic Kim/Kanye (or as the kids are calling it, Kim-ye) embrace ensued. He held her face in his hands and wiped away her tears. He told her everything was going to be okay and kept her wrapped in his arms until she stopped crying.
Guys, romance was majorly in the air. Kanye was clearly Kim’s prince charming and Jay and I were smiling ear to ear in bliss for our friend.
Smiling from ear to ear that is…until we noticed Beyoncé standing outside the car looking at us with her hands on her hips and shaking her head in disapproval of the situation. Maybe Beyoncé was angry that Jay, Kanye and I had been sipping champagne and playing spy games. Maybe she was angry about the doorless Bentley adventure with Aziz Ansari earlier. Or maybe she was angry about Kanye and Kim. Who knows?
Well, actually, Aziz probably knows because out of nowhere there he was next to Beyonce, shaking his head and mimicking her disapproval.
All I remember next is waking up hungry and more so angry that we never went inside Johnnie’s Deli for a corned beef sandwich.