The Heatley Cliff

Which Avenger Are You?

Short answer, if you’re a woman: NONE OF THEM.

Am I supposed to be pleased that in the pantheon that comprises Super Hero Mamas, we get Black Widow? Really? She doesn’t even have a super power. Fighting, FIGHTING is her power! Fighting and looking sexy. What an appalling lack of imagination. Even the fairly useless Hawk Eye has an almost prescient skill for archery.

Recently I was in Toys R Us trying to find Avengers merchandise for my 9-year-old daughter who loves the movie (and comics in general). Imagine my disappointment when I realized that the Marvel toymakers did not make any sort of an effort to cater to their girl fans. I have three kids. I have been watching boys and girls play in their different ways for years now. It’s been my observation that while both genders appreciate a good doll/action figure, girls like to have a headquarters or a home base of some sort – an actual place where the figures can play (think Barbie dream house, or Princess Castle). Boys, though, are more into throwing the figurines around and making them fight one another. Boys are cool with leaving their dolls in a pile. Girls like to leave them somewhere where their adventures can continue in their imaginations, even if they are not actually playing with them.

Not only is there no Avengers ‘Headquarters’, no secret lab or underground lair,  but there isn’t even a large Black Widow figurine! It does not exist! She only comes in the puny 4″ version. AND there is no way to change anyone’s outfit! I feel fairly confident in saying that there are far more 9-year-old girls who enjoy being immersed in the world of the Avengers than 9-year-old boys who are into Disney princesses, but even still, there are prince dolls.  And guess what? Disney owns Marvel! So it’s not like they don’t know how to appeal to girls, but it certainly feels like they don’t care to.

So listen up, movie and toy makers. Here’s a list of bad ass Avengers super hero chicks. Get with the program.

  • Wasp– One of the founding members of the Avengers, Wasp can shrink, grow wings out of her back and shoot people with an energy ‘sting’.
  • She Hulk– Yes, you read that right. Bruce Banner’s cousin Jennifer turned into a hulk herself after Bruce gave her a blood transfusion to save her life. Even though she’s 7 feet tall and green, she’s still super hot, kind of like a Martian Super Hero.
  • Photon-This sultry Creole is a transformer,but what she can do is way cooler than turning into a Camaro. Photon can become any type of energy an Avenger might need, be it electrical, radioactive or cosmic. Talk about power!
  • Scarlet Witch– Mangeto (of X men fame) had a daughter, and this is her! She can warp reality. She’s basically the queen of mind games. She also starts off as a baddie then ends up good. Flawed superheros are the best.
  • Tigra– I mean.. .half cat, half chick? She doesn’t play well with others (obviously) but she has been known to give the Avengers a hand when they need a good tracker and someone who can literally scratch a member of Hydra’s eyes out. Take that, Black Widow.
  • Hawk Eye– What’s that, you say? Hawk Eye’s a dude? Not forever. He mentors Kate Bishop and she becomes the next Hawk Eye.
  • Moon Dragon– COME ON! a bald-headed lesbian telepath: beyond bad ass.
  • Firebird– After being hit with a meteor, Firebird can shoot fireballs and generate extreme heat. She’s also a fiery Latina. Win Win.

Those are just the “heroines” of the Avenger Universe. The baddies are possibly even cooler. And don’t even get me started on Supergirl, Batgirl, Cat Woman (Anne Hathaway, I’m sorry, but she’s about as sexy as a doily – yes super talented, but intense in all the wrong ways for Cat Woman), Wonder Woman, all the kick ass X-Men ladies (even the name alone is the tip off)… You just can’t find these dolls at toy stores.

So basically, Yo Disney! Us girls would like some action in the action figurine department.

Thank you.

This week at the Heatley Cliff, we are not talking super heroes (much to my dismay) but we are talking a super material: Bakelite and how it changed the Jewelry game.

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