Whatevergate 2012: Celeb Gossip and My Total Apathy

Listen, I know Kristen Stewart is really pretty and that Robert Pattison is hella Sparkly (that’s some kind of Twilight thing, right?), but I’m feeling awkward and a half at how much I know about their personal lives when I don’t even make a remote effort to follow gossip. Just for the record, this isn’t high school, and these people are actual human beings. So while it’s fascinating and scandalous that the prom queen cheated on the quarterback with her neighbor’s dad, this endless PTA meeting just isn’t my thing.

Between this and the omg-will-it-ever-end speculation on what really happened between Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, my ears have fallen off and hidden under the sofa, and I don’t even want to convince them to come back out. I want to join them in that sweet, dark, quiet place where I don’t have to be inundated with the sordid details of who basted who’s turkey, if you get my drift. I know everyone loves this sh*t and lives and breathes US Weekly or Star or whatever rag is their jam, but on behalf of us few who aren’t funding the Hollywood news cycle, please: just turn it down a notch?

You know when you’re watching a movie with your friends and the script and the acting are just so bad that you feel awkward? That’s what I feel like when I hear people talk about celebrity breakups. Like when someone analyzes Kristen Stewart’s feelings, even though they don’t even know her. Or when Robert Pattinson gets pity-sympathy because it’s not his fault he’s a Hufflepuff (please, everyone knows the Sorting Hat takes your choice into account). Seriously, though, it’s just weird when people talk about celebrities like they’re the couple down the street – people whose lives they’re involved in, and of whom they can have informed opinions that define how perceptive and morally glorious a person they truly are.

I’m not saying you’re a bad person if celeb gossip makes you happy, though I can’t help raising an eyebrow because, I mean, with the whole universe of things that are fun, this is your thing? Don’t stab me in my pretentious for saying this, but while Kristen Stewart was in the midst of a media sh*tstorm for cheating on a boyfriend she (apparently?) never even admitted to having, there was probably a woman in Saudi Arabia being put to death for cheating on her husband by getting raped. Yes, I’m a buzkill. So is execution, probably. I’m just saying, it’s weird to see people get so emotionally invested over something like Robstengate, and just be all “wow, that sux” about human rights issues.

Actually, wait. I take that back. It’s not that people get so emotionally invested, it’s that the press inundates us with this completely useless information without sharing the more relevant stories, be it domestic or international. It’s an easy out for everyone – celeb gossip means no critical thinking and having lots of feelings, which is something everyone can do. It made me laugh when ‘Girls’ premiered and everyone was up in arms about nepotism, as if anyone in Hollywood was there on talent alone. If you want to be a celebrity, you have to be marketable. You’re a product, and for people like Stewart and Pattinson, who are part of a movie franchise, that applies even more so. They aren’t just selling Twilight tickets, they’re selling magazines, tabloids, posters, crappy keychains, and adspace on E! and Perez Hilton.

Because people want it. People buy it, and they love it, and they want more of it, as if they would never be happy until they had a Scrooge McDuck money-vault filled to the brim with useless facts and opinions about pretty people they’ve never met. And in a way, I don’t blame them. Unemployment is still scary, this upcoming election is getting crazy and Chick-Fil-A wants to stab Jim Henson’s corpse (that’s what’s going on, right? I don’t read the news, I just skim my Facbeook feed). So I guess escapism is important, it just seems like there are ways to get there without wrecking someone’s privacy or commodifying their entire existence. In any case, do what you need to do, just let me opt out of it, k?