I don’t even need to check my mood ring to know how I feel about pizza. It’s been a constant source of love in my life since early childhood. I don’t have enough appendages to count the times I have seared off the top 3-5 layers of my mouth because I can’t control myself enough to let my DiGiorno cool down before I begin scarfing. If pizza had a heart and a responsible stock portfolio, I would marry it.
When I was 18, my best friend worked as a nanny in Manhattan and, when I got my first credit card, I went to visit her. Since we had zero dollars but thought we were rich, we decided to do a week’s stint in the Hamptons. Sadly, it took me two years and a lot of hours blending wheat grass into smoothies to pay that credit card off, sadly. But there was one good thing that came from that trip. It was where I ate the best piece of pizza…ever. It was the first time I had ever had that floppy, delicious New York pizza and to this very day it remains the best piece of pizza I have ever eaten. I fantasize about it often. Almost as often as I fantasize Ryan Gosling cuddling my dog, and you know that’s a regular.
But that’s the thing about pizza, everybody’s got opinions about what is best. Deep-dish, thin crust, white sauce, blah-blah-blah. What no one knows until now is that your pizza topping choice is a window to your soul. According to my extensively researched ‘Pizza Personality Theory’ I can tell exactly who you are based on your fave pizza. I’m probably gonna use this to start a matchmaking service, not sure yet. Let me know if you want to be an investor. So what’s your favorite pizza?
Hawaiian- You have a lot of skeletons in your closet, dude. I mean major secrets bouncing around in your brain space. I recommend some time on a therapist’s couch. Just let it all out. The good news is you are a moody artist.
Vegetarian- The good thing about you is that you make friends really easy. The bad thing about you is that none of those friends are human. Some of them are imaginary and the rest are animals. Some are even imaginary animals.
Pepperoni- You probably love Michael Bolton. And not even in the whole recent team-up with Lonely Island. You originally loved Michael Bolton. Way before Nicolette. Back when he had full-length Ramen noodle hair. I’m proud of you.
Margherita- You’re an alcoholic.
Meat Lovers- You need to calm down. Just like you are obsessed with meat, you are obsessed with all other things in your life. Your bedroom is covered in White Snake posters. You have Hello Kitty tattoos on your face. You named your child after a professional athlete. Trust me, calm down.
Cheese Only- Oh. Please no. No! No, no no. Nope. No. Really? Cheese pizza? Oh, how brave of you. You can’t even pick a non-committal topping like mushrooms that you can pick off? You are either indecisive or boring…or both. Nopers. No.
Pepperoni with Black Olives- As my personal favorite type of pizza, you are a really beautiful person. Just all around great. No advice for you, just keep being perfect.
If you have any other styles that I didn’t analyze, just let me know, I’ll do your reading in the comments. Also, what’s for lunch?
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