I don’t even need to check my mood ring to know how I feel about pizza. It’s been a constant source of love in my life since early childhood. I don’t have enough appendages to count the times I have seared off the top 3-5 layers of my mouth because I can’t control myself enough to let my DiGiorno cool down before I begin scarfing. If pizza had a heart and a responsible stock portfolio, I would marry it.
When I was 18, my best friend worked as a nanny in Manhattan and, when I got my first credit card, I went to visit her. Since we had zero dollars but thought we were rich, we decided to do a week’s stint in the Hamptons. Sadly, it took me two years and a lot of hours blending wheat grass into smoothies to pay that credit card off, sadly. But there was one good thing that came from that trip. It was where I ate the best piece of pizza…ever. It was the first time I had ever had that floppy, delicious New York pizza and to this very day it remains the best piece of pizza I have ever eaten. I fantasize about it often. Almost as often as I fantasize Ryan Gosling cuddling my dog, and you know that’s a regular.
But that’s the thing about pizza, everybody’s got opinions about what is best. Deep-dish, thin crust, white sauce, blah-blah-blah. What no one knows until now is that your pizza topping choice is a window to your soul. According to my extensively researched ‘Pizza Personality Theory’ I can tell exactly who you are based on your fave pizza. I’m probably gonna use this to start a matchmaking service, not sure yet. Let me know if you want to be an investor. So what’s your favorite pizza?
Hawaiian- You have a lot of skeletons in your closet, dude. I mean major secrets bouncing around in your brain space. I recommend some time on a therapist’s couch. Just let it all out. The good news is you are a moody artist.
Vegetarian- The good thing about you is that you make friends really easy. The bad thing about you is that none of those friends are human. Some of them are imaginary and the rest are animals. Some are even imaginary animals.
Pepperoni- You probably love Michael Bolton. And not even in the whole recent team-up with Lonely Island. You originally loved Michael Bolton. Way before Nicolette. Back when he had full-length Ramen noodle hair. I’m proud of you.
Margherita- You’re an alcoholic.
Meat Lovers- You need to calm down. Just like you are obsessed with meat, you are obsessed with all other things in your life. Your bedroom is covered in White Snake posters. You have Hello Kitty tattoos on your face. You named your child after a professional athlete. Trust me, calm down.
Cheese Only- Oh. Please no. No! No, no no. Nope. No. Really? Cheese pizza? Oh, how brave of you. You can’t even pick a non-committal topping like mushrooms that you can pick off? You are either indecisive or boring…or both. Nopers. No.
Pepperoni with Black Olives- As my personal favorite type of pizza, you are a really beautiful person. Just all around great. No advice for you, just keep being perfect.
If you have any other styles that I didn’t analyze, just let me know, I’ll do your reading in the comments. Also, what’s for lunch?
Photo from Shutterstock.com
“ramen noodle hair”
love it.
I’m a black olive and artichoke heart gal myself.
My favorite is definitely pepperoni and black olives. how wonderfully perfect
Ha! What about vegan with daiya cheese, artichoke hearts, olives, spinach, coconut bacon, tomatoes, garlic, and gluten free crust…
I do not eat it very often. I am a high raw eater and it sits too heavy. Super yummy though!
BBQ chicken, red peppers, pineapple. Domino’s is awesome and offers the option of having half the pizza with no cheese (because I’m lactose intolerant, but still thoroughly addicted to pizza). It’s sooo yummy.
what about Pepperoni, olives, and pineapple? does it means I’m only nearly perfect, but I’ve got a few secrets?
pepperoni and black olives and mushrooms – that’s the “norm” at our house. but when i’m ordering only for myself, i deviate off the beaten path and have hawaiian or veggie minus onions or bbq chicken, or my latest discovery from Papa Johns – spinach alfredo chicken tomato
The fact that you didn’t mention pepperoni and mushrooms makes me……sad. So I’ll describe those of us who devour this delectable delight. We are fun and funny, smart, amazingly pretty, nice to puppies, and incredibly humble!
Tuna, onions and olives pizza- siracusa! always, everywhere!
Chicken,onion,mushrooms,sweetcorn and fresh tomatoes
Hawaiian!!!
Haha..i do have lots of thoughts running through my brain, but you know.. I think i’m gonna just keep it to myself:P
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Brie cheese and arugula is my all-time favourite pizza flavour yummmmm
@Arjay I’m not clueless. I’ve read this before. But just because Americans use the same words to describe different things, it doesn’t make us clueless, just culturally different. I once told a girl in Derby England that I had biscuists and gravy for breakfast, and she thought it sounded disgusting, because we had a different interpretation of what a buscuit was. Here in America, if you want Fish & Chips, you have to ask for Beer Battered Fish with a side of Potato Wedgies, and if you make the mistake of going to a tavern where the women are all blonds wearing hot pants and tight tees (which has happened to me), then you may experience a moment of cluelessness and still get the wrong order.
But it’s not just limited to international differences. I have family in Southern California, and if you order hot sause on a taco there, you will be sweating from your forehead, which I like. But I live in middle America, and you can’t get anything like here that to save your butt.
And for the record, I would prefer bell peppers on a pizza to pepperoni, so I would be good in Italy. Maybe someday I’ll get there. Closest I ever got was Paris, and everything there is mostly bread, which upsets my stomach.
^Wikipedia much?
Americans are so clueless…
The term pepperoni is a corruption of peperoni, the plural of peperone, the Italian word for bell pepper. The first reference using pepperoni to refer to a sausage dates to 1919.
Throughout continental Europe with the exception of Germany, peperone is a common word for various types of capsicum, including bell peppers and a small, spicy and often pickled pepper known as peperoncino or also sometimes peperone piccante peperoncini or banana peppers in the U.S.
Unlike in Europe, the English word pepperoni is used as a singular uncountable noun. In italian the word “peperoncini” mostly refers to hot and spicy peppers or sometimes even to small sweet kinds, while “peperoni” refers only to sweet peppers as the Bell peppers.
Asking for a pizza with “salame piccante” or “Salame piccante calabro” or “spianata calabra” in Italy you will get a pizza with this kind of sausage, if you ask for a pepperoni pizza in Italy they will surely understand and serve you a pizza with sliced Bell peppers.
My perfect pizza has sausage, mushrooms, green olives, and anchovies. I also prefer the cheese to be melted over the toppings. I can’t eat thick crust. That’s not a matter of personal choice, I just have a sensitve stomach. I can’t eat more than 2 slices in a sitting. I have the same problem with pancakes. I have never been able to eat pancakes my entire life without getting sick. And one final thought; the best pizza I ever had was the ones my mom made from scratch, but that was oh so long ago.
How dare you call me boring!
!
So funny!! and what about pepperoni & pineapple? Homer’s favorite and mine too! My sisters love vegetarian, now i can tell them they’re crazy
Pepperoni black olives & meat lovers. I am perfectly obsessive. But my Pepperoni & black olives need mushrooms!
Green chile and pineapple…pizza done Southwest style.