Sometimes we all need a little help knowing what to wear. I’ve been writing and reporting for Genlux Magazine for a while now. Genlux is a high fashion magazine published out of Beverly Hills, so I think I know a thing or two about fashion. Here are my suggestions for what to wear to various occasions, complete with price.

 For a funeral:

Why should the dead person get all the attention? Shouldn’t we be celebrating the living? Dead people are clearly bad at living so that makes them losers, and parties should be thrown for winners.

$29.99, Amiclubwear

For your little niece’s birthday party:

Kids love bears!…or mice…or Sonic the Hedgehog’s friend or whatever the hell this is supposed to be. Put smiles on their faces and hide candy in those boots! Steal things! No one will suspect a thing, you’re just a delightful little bear! Or mouse…or Sonic the Hedgehog’s friend, or whatever the hell you’re supposed to be.

$59.99, Amiclubwear

For a wedding:

Do not EVER wear white to a wedding! That is tacky and a big no-no! But this dress isn’t white and it isn’t casual, so I say go for it! If it’s “The Bride’s Day”, then why did she invite so many people? It’s your day, too – every day is your day. Get your ball gown on.

$400,  Prom Girl

For your birthday dinner:

It’s your birthday and all eyes should be on you but if they’re not, they will be once you shove your face into this famous work of art. Some may call this a costume; I call it couture. Nothing says sophistication and high class like wearing the Mona Lisa.

$26.99, Amazon.

 

For someone else’s birthday dinner:

$31.95, Amazon.

Who doesn’t want a cupcake on their birthday? My friend Laura just had her birthday dinner at Benihana and I wore this and she giggled with delight and said, “Oh, Uncle Almie!” I’m kidding of course. I didn’t wear this. I wore this:

 

$89.99, Amazon.

Turns out, I should have worn the cupcake instead. Laura seemed mad at me for some reason. She kept hissing things like, “This is a really bad time for this” and “You’re embarrassing me” and “You’re distracting the chef” and “Oh My God, your Kermit hat is on fire!!! I told you to stop distracting the chef!!!” and the truth is, it just wasn’t worth it. I guess when you’re always ahead of the curve you’re always gonna have people in your blind spots.

For your fifty-seventh court appearance:

$68.00, Nasty Gal.

Show that judge who’s really the boss here. Doesn’t matter if you’re on the defense or the prosecution, either way you’re guilty…of looking awesome. This is the kind of dress that says, “Hey, my face is up here…and my boobs are over here and here.”

For any occasion:

Steve Buscemi dress. $100, by Black Milk. Unfortunately, it appears that they’ve either sold out or were sued by Steve Buscemi, as I can’t find the dress on their site anymore. This may be fashion’s biggest loss.

 

And hey, you’re welcome.

(Photo from blackmilkclothing.com before it was taken down.)