Are You There Blog? It's Me Caragh What To Expect When Your Facebook Friend is Expecting Caragh Poh

I don’t know if you guys are aware of this or not, but nothing ever really happens unless you post about it online before, during or after the experience. Even if that experience is eating pancakes.

“Wait a second,” you might be saying to yourself. “But didn’t things happen before the invention of social media?” No. No they didn’t. Nothing ever happened. Native Americans weren’t murdered for having the gall to live how they had been living for thousands of years and George Washington is a myth. The Dawn of Man happened when Mark Zuckerberg allegedly stole the idea for a Book of Faces from a couple of Winklevii twins.

About two years ago, the status updates on my Facebook feed started to switch from soliloquies about Spring Break to monologues referencing sciatica pains due to 8 pound parasitic fetuses hanging out inside of my friends’ wombs. To be clear, I love babies.  I think pregnant women are beautiful. Giving birth is the bravest thing a person can do aside from confidently stabbing a Capri Sun on the first try without fear of red juice squirting all over their shirt. But the fact remains that fetuses are parasitic creatures, feeding off of a woman’s body like a round worm. A round worm that bursts through a vagina, sucks on your boob for a year and then drains your bank account for 18 years. If you’re lucky. If you’re unlucky, your child will be just like me, and still living at home at 24 because she decided to take 6 years to get her Bachelor’s Degree.

It’s not terrible at first, this influx of pregnancy discourse. It’s even charming. You get to experience pregnancy through the eyes of someone your own age. Because they post every single detail. But after awhile, it becomes less charming and more soul-crushingly grating. Because they post every single detail.

 

Single.

Detail.

 

A funny thing happened between 6 months ago and now. I stopped feeling completely relieved I was not with child and started to become only half relieved that I was not with child. Somehow, a small piece of me started to become actually jealous of all these ladies with babies popping up in my social medias. Whenever I was stressed out, I would see posts about how happy they were. When I was feeling down? I would see status updates referencing their babies’ socks, which we all know are the most adorable parts about dressing a baby. When I was eating ice cream by the pint and thinking about how I’m going to die alone, they would post pictures of their babies. Babies that ensure they will not die alone. Babies that ensure someone will visit them in the old folks’ home. “Who is going to visit me in the old folks’ home?!” I would cry loudly, ice cream falling out of my maw and onto my keyboard. “Not Half Baked or Phish Food!”

But you know what? I don’t have to wipe butts all day. I don’t have to wake up at 3 AM to feed anyone. I don’t have to clean up vomit from my shoulder… unless I’ve had a really interesting night. By the way, ladies with babies? Call it “spit up” all you want, we all know it’s straight up vomit. Boob milk vomit. That’s so many bodily liquids in one disgusting projectile stream.

So what can you expect when your Facebook friend is expecting? Relief. Jealousy. A general sense of ennui. Jealousy again because babies are adorable and their heads smell amazing. Most of all, expect an appreciation for the number of butts you have to wipe versus the number of butts they have to wipe.

Featured image via ShutterStock, subsequent pictures screen capped from youropenbook.com

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  1. And you’re only 23! It gets worse.

  2. I love babies! Just attended a baby shower yesterday – and I cannot get over how cute baby stuff is. Except for poop and diapers. That will never be cute. BTW, have you seen the “I’m Pregnant and I know It” video on youtube?

    • oops – I guess I missed the mark on my last comment. I don’t know what it’s like to have a friend post everything about their pregnancy on facebook. Either I’ve been pretty lucky … or I just have special powers that block my vision/awareness from stuff like this!

  3. “AH I just played my first game with my son. He kicked me, and I nudged him back twice, then he kicked again, and I nudged back again. We went back and forth for five minutes!” Most unnecessary pregnancy post yet.

  4. Thankfully, most of the new moms I know on FB are pretty cool/realize people do not want a Proustian account of their life with dirty diapers and boob feedings. But there are one or two that are beyond obnoxious – Every. Single. Post. is about their kid. And honestly, it makes me way more relieved than jealous…I’m sure being a parent is a rewarding, love-filled experience, but I can’t imagine what some people seem to equate to becoming a mom as losing your whole identity in it.

  5. Debbie: yes! The play by play. Facebook is something I do when I’m bored. Here’s hoping if I’m in the process of actually having a baby I don’t feel a need to be on fb every twenty minutes.

  6. I am so happy to read these comments and know I’m not alone in my feelings. Thanks girls!

  7. The worst for me is the play by play of childbirth. “I’m 6cm dialated, about to start pushing!!!!” I hope when I’m in that situation someday, my concern is of my health and the baby’s, not updating my facebook status.

  8. ‘When I was eating ice cream by the pint and thinking about how I’m going to die alone, they would post pictures of their babies. Babies that ensure they will not die alone. Babies that ensure someone will visit them in the old folks’ home. “Who is going to visit me in the old folks’ home?!” I would cry loudly, ice cream falling out of my maw and onto my keyboard. “Not Half Baked or Phish Food!”’

    Literally spit out my Cocoa Pebbles because I started laughing so hard when I read this!

  9. Ha! Then it gets worse, not better. My friend’s daughter is about a year old now and every FB status (almost every) is about the kid tossing food around, etc. The girl is adorable, but for some reason I get a little irked by those updates. But I guess we all write to reflect what’s going on for us in life, and sometimes there’s not a whole lot. I feel guilty for complaining now. :(

    • I figure it is better to complain via hellogiggles than on FB where your friends can see!
      But, yeah: it essentially boils down to not being able to relate with where their lives are taking them.

  10. Pregnancy status updates and babyI status updates have been added to my worst-ever list, along with biblical quotes, song lyrics, and anything along the lines of “I hate drama!!”, wherein the OP bitches vaguely about something in an attempt to bait a “what’s wrong? :(” only to refuse to talk about it.
    Shit gets defriend worthy when people start referring to themselves in the third person as “mommy” and calling their significant others “daddy”

  11. To the “cum on july post” did you write “So you can teach your little one how to spell ‘come’?”
    They kinda mean different things.
    People having kids should have to go through a thorough series of application, like what I had to do to get my dog from the SPCA.

  12. I have had to start hiding my friends with kids’ posts. I want to know what my friends are up to, not how bubba made it a whole day without runny poop. Even in my “about me” section, I have clearly stated “please don’t friend me if all you do is talk about your kids.”