Horoscope columns and entertainment outlets have long realized a basic truism about humans: it’s pretty much always amusing to find out who shares your birthday and then irrationally project some commonalities onto that relationship using the charmingly deluded descriptor “Birthday Twins.” I suppose I’d feel differently if I shared a birthday with Hitler (although even that villainous date has had the wind smoked out of its sails in recent years), but I feel like I lucked out with a pretty good list. Here are some highlights:
- An actor dude whose resume highlight was the role of McDuff the Talking Dog, and no shade on what I’m sure was a meaningful Stanislavskian performance by a Tony award-nominee, but I was disappointed to realize I’d initially misread it as MacGruff The [Take-a-Bite-Out-of-] Crime Dog. Because that, my friends, is an admirable aural legacy of public service, child safety, and anti-bullying, and since the character of MacGruff apparently debuted in July 1980, it is still entirely possible we still share an astrological sign, so he is still germane to this discussion. (Boo-yah! In your face, synaptic laziness that made me read that stuff wrong!)
- ROBOCOP… and Nancy Allen who was also IN Robocop! My mind just got blown like it was shot out of my head during that crazy shooting spree in Robocop. If you can’t understand why a sane person with admittedly more leisure time than is exactly healthy would devote an undisclosed number of hours on the internet to finding a candid photo from set of the two of them in full costume enjoying cake with the crew, I don’t think I want to have you signing me out of the asylum, thank you very much.
- The guy who wasn’t Fatman on Jake & the Fatman (I could have just said Jake, but would you know who that was?), Joe Penny. Also Riptide! A Stephen J. Cannell amphibious adventure classic, with the quintessential Post/Carpenter theme song. Magnummy mustache? Comedy robot on a boat? An I-think-I-can helicopter with hilarious teefs? A windblown and vaguely plot-adjacent Anne Francis in turtlenecks and other climate-appropriate garments? SOLD. ANY PRICE. Get my purse.
- FWIW, OMD, TFF & UB40 ppl, but those will only make sense if you listened to music in the ‘80s.
- Craig Shergold, who earned the Guinness World Record for most greeting cards ever received when he was diagnosed as terminally ill with brain cancer. His plight drew the attention of celebrities and, awesomely, a billionaire who flew him in for an experimental new surgery that has left him happy and cancer-free, except for all the pesky astrology merch. Seriously, astrology, can we not give dudes like him a break and rename the only one of the signs that is also a big scary disease sending millions to an early grave? Between the cancer and the constant need to make small talk with all those exhausted postal workers nursing job-related muscle sprains, this poor dude has probably been through enough. I haven’t even mentioned the fact that Kirk Cameron played a “cynical reporter” in a TV movie about Craig’s life, because seriously, no one deserves that, especially after beating down the big C.
- Sherry Stringfield from ER, which once again proves my thesis, because obviously we were meant to drink sangria and eat gluten-free cupcakes with our friends on a rooftop amid pretty lanterns. I mean, duh. Have you met us?
- The list of sports celebrities includes golfers, cricketers, jockeys, rugby players, football of both of the “American” and “Soccer” variety (that Messi dude? IDK), but as a Canadian, I’m obviously most interested in my hockey bros. My birthdate turns up lots of Dallas Stars players for some weird reason that I’m just going to pretend explains why I love Friday Night Lights, because Texas forever, right? (I’m not from Texas, although you could call it Canada’s Texas if you wanted to help me with this analogy.) Also, recent Stanley Cup toucher Jarret Stoll, giving me an excellent fun fact to share with his parents and all the lovely guests who gather for our wedding which will of course happen and not be wildly inappropriate because us never having met before and our age differences because I BELIEVE IN LOVE, DON’T YOU, JARRET? Oh wait… maybe it’s not such a good idea. As you were, young man.
- Supermodel Petra Němcová is also allowed to be my friend because of our shared date of birth. She simply has to agree to wear a fake herpes or a big zit from the joke shop or converse only in a language of armpit farts (not regular ones please? it’s a party), and then she can come to the rooftop thing Sherry and I threw together with the help of a party planner and just a fraction of the interest on that sweet ER money. My girl did alright. (PS: Noah Wyle, hon, sorry ‘boutcha divorce, boo. Hit me up and we can totes just chill out with some Nurse Jackie, which you should totally be on if they ever need to give Coop an uncle or something… No presh.)
- Mindy Kaling is well-covered ground, which probably doesn’t look too birthdayish on its own as a Google alert, but my love for her is so great that I still have the notification about the birthday tweet she sent me last year starred in my Gmail, because you would too. If I idolized her any more, I’d have to carve her face in soap with the end of a spoon, and even with my passion for crafting and child-sized hands, there’s no way that would turn out Etsy-worthy.
- Minka Kelly (aka Lyla Garrity – SEE ABOVE) – as much as I would looooove to talk with Minka about my homedawg Taylor Kitsch, who is from the town where I went to high school (specifically, how soft are his lips, how dreamy are his eyes up close, do I want to know what he smells like, and if so, what does he smell like?), but as birthday twins, I’d never blast her #33 and #2 time up to 11, because I’d rather learn than hate, and since Minka’s gone from a regular job in her previous life prepping wannabes for plastic surgery to being a huge success in her own right, RESPEK.
- Solange Knowles – my personal favorite of the House of Dereon von BeyHova. Sartorially refreshing, unafraid to take wackadoo chances with not a fig of concern for what the critics say, Solange is so far beyond being a tonic, she’s my Pimm’s Cup.
And on that note, it’s time for birthday brunch!
Mindy Kaling Image via Here.