What Justin Timberlake's Engagement Means For You

US Weekly is reporting that Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel are engaged. He reportedly proposed to her somewhere in Wyoming, because that’s the cool place to get engaged now.

As with all news stories, what happened isn’t as important as how it affects you and your life.

Here’s what Justin Timberlake’s Engagement Means For You:

  • Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel’s potential marriage will not affect the global economy in any way so you’ll still have to pay taxes and worry about your rent next month. Sorry.
  • Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel’s potential marriage will be celebrated with a hugely expensive wedding and not a contribution to your student loan debt. You still have to pay off your loans. Still sorry.
  • Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel will probably only hire professional wedding coordinators and caterers and fashion designers for their wedding, so their wedding will not generate any new jobs. Sorry if you’re unemployed and were hoping that she might buy the super cute veil you posted on etsy. Sooo sorry.
  • Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears are both engaged, but to different people. This means your favorite weekly tabloids will create a storyline (that may be encouraged by their respective PR people) that they are having “dueling weddings”. The ensuing drama will probably squeeze the Kardashians being Kardashians or Kate Middleton’s baby bump watch off at least one tabloid cover this year. As a Kate Middleton fan, this makes me appalled, but I know that I will find the strength within me to carry on.
  • Jessica Biel is going to be photographed in an expensive wedding dress. Here’s how this affects you: You’re going to have to look at her perfect body in a dress you will never be able to afford. Terrible for lady morale. Terrible. But hey, she won’t be able to eat cheese fries anytime soon because she’s probably stressing out about looking good in a wedding dress, so it’s a draw for both you and Jessica. Everyone’s stressed out about this.
  • Justin Timberlake might sing again. I mean, if a singer is in love with a woman enough that he wants to marry her, he has to sing at the wedding, right?!?! Right?!?!? If Justin Timberlake finally brings “Sexy Back” back, then sexy will finally be back. I can stop wearing old workout clothes as pajamas and wear satin lingerie to bed in peace. This might not affect you as much as it affects me, but it’s affecting someone here.
  • Justin Timberlake is a man and Jessica Biel is a woman. This means they are a heterosexual couple, so their union will not add or subtract anything to the gay marriage debate. However, if they divorce after less than a year of marriage, it will be another example of how marriage is just really hard work and anyone who is crazy enough to want to do it should be allowed to try. (I know I shouldn’t get political, but seriously, if you’re crazy enough to want to get married and you find someone else over the age of consent who is also crazy about the idea, then be crazy together. As Prince would sing, “Let’s Go Crazy!”)
  • Most importantly, Justin Timberlake is now officially off the market. Well, not officially yet. He won’t be until the marriage happens. However, he’s made the decision to get married, so he’s sort of officially off the market. Except, he’s not. And except this is a celebrity marriage so it probably won’t last. Unless you think that Justin and Jessica are our Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward, but I don’t think they are.  He’s never even made a line of salad dressing and she’s never won an Academy Award and then gone home to drink Ovaltine. So, they’re not. Basically you still have the snowball’s chance in Hell with him you had before. Unless you’re Mila Kunis, in which case…..girl, you have some hustling to do in the next few months before that window of opportunity closes. Just saying.
Basically, Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel’s marriage won’t affect your life in any huge way. It’s not as important as the Iowa Caucuses or the political climate in Iran or the European economy or the two extra days the IRS is giving Americans to send in their taxes or the birth of Beyonce and Jay-Z’s baby. Those are the stories that really matter, so you can put down the Kleenex and breathe a sigh of relief. It’s all going to be okay.
And Justin, if you want to do something to really make news, RECORD ANOTHER FREAKING ALBUM ALREADY!!!!!!