What It's Like To Know You'll End Up on ‘Hoarders'

I’m going to end up on Hoarders. I accept it, I’m not complaining about it, I’m just telling you that that’s how it’s going to play out for me.

Just kidding, I plan on being so rich some day that I can pay someone to clean up after me constantly and it won’t be a problem, but I definitely have hoarder-y vibes.

Check out this video I made off all the stuff that was in my bed when I was around 24 years old:

While it’s not that bad anymore, it’s still not great. I recently told my roommate that if I had more space, everything jammed on top of my desk or in my closet or on the floor wouldn’t look so bad. And you know, there are less sanitary things to have lying around then an empty bottle of water or a bag of Trader Joe’s trail mix. It could all be a lot worse, so I have to pat myself on the back for that. I’m great!

But honestly? As much as I’m freakin’ awesome, I’m also totally gross. My laundry overwhelms my room. Every surface in my home that I am in charge of looks like a Barnes & Noble, the accessories section at Urban Outfitter and a 7-11 had a three day orgy. I will go WEEKS without cleaning a dish. I will completely throw my towels on the floor after a shower, reuse them twice, and abandon them in the laundry basket, which I only tend to about once a month. Sure, I’m occasionally embarrassed when a guest sees my mess, but most of the time I think, “Whatever. Everyone has a friend like this. It’s part of my genius. I’m an artist. It’s a little funny, too. If you can’t laugh about how messy I am, then that’s your damn problem. Hahaha, look at all those clothes. What a loon you are, Molly. High-five!”

On the flip side, I love to shower, have clean hair and impeccable nails, make sure my outfits n’ junk look cute. I’m not a for real mess. I’m like… a Jessica Simpson mess. Remember on Newlyweds? Remember how Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey basically got divorced because of piles of clothing?

I don’t want to live my life like this, but I need spiritual intervention. My mom didn’t raise me to be this way, but this messiness is so ingrained in me that it feels like more of a nature thing than a nurture thing. My soul was born messy, and therefore I am messy. I’m always wondering what it’s going to take for me to clean up my act, and I really think it’s going to be something awful, like a car crash or everything I own being repossessed or some other lesson where you can’t not live differently after. Maybe like, I’ll meet a dude that I feel guilty being messy around or maybe I’ll learn to truly believe that I deserve to be in a happy and clutter-free environment.

But you know, I don’t really see that happening. I see me getting really wealthy and then just paying someone to do everything a normal person does for me. Because if that doesn’t happen, I’ll be on Hoarders, and that would be really embarrassing.

In the meantime, do you guys have any tips for me on how not to be so disgusting?