What If Beyonce Was James Bond?

Watching the latest Bond movie, Skyfall, has left me all in a tizzy.

Dear Daniel Craig,
On behalf of all of America and every woman on this planet… thank you for wearing such small swim trunks and acting all moody and sexy. You deserve an Oscar… or four. (do they give out Oscars for sexy bodies? They really should.)

But alas, the sexiness of Daniel Craig is besides the point (can’t believe I just wrote that sentence). The real question here is one that really has me very intrigued: Could there ever be a girl James Bond? 

WHAT?! HERESY. Burn this witch at the stake! What are you talking about?! A girl Bond?! You must have your adjectives and nouns mixed up. There are no girl Bonds; there are Bond girls.

Yes, this was my initial reaction too. Well it went more like this…

Inside Ashley’s Head: Girl, you all kinds of crazy. A girl Bond? This is why you need to stop watching movies until 2am, your brain is 1000 kinds of mush. Hmmm, why do they call it mush, I wonder? FOCUS, FOCUS. 

But then my second reaction was, “Why not?” And then my feminist reaction was, “Yeah, why the hell not?!” And finally when I reached complete and utter clarity, I said to myself, “Self, Beyoncé would be the greatest Bond there ever was.” BOOM! Mind explosion. But let’s back up a few steps.

Now, there have been a great many Bonds. In fact, the James Bond movie franchise recently turned 50 (which is like the new 40). Happy 50th!

But despite the fact that 007 has been around for half a century, virtually nothing about Bond has changed. Consider this: Daniel Craig made “double-0″ history as the first blonde Bond (which by the media’s reaction is a feat comparable to America electing Barack Obama as our first black president). And though rumors continue to circulate that the next Bond will be black (Idris Elba… delish), so far Daniel Craig’s blonde hair and baby blues are as “diverse” as we’ve come. Who knows, maybe a ginger will be next (I vote Brody from Homeland, but only if Claire Danes plays a mentally unstable Bond girl).

My point being, diversity isn’t exactly Bond’s strong suit (unless you count the women he sleeps with). But the world is changing and maybe its heroes will change with it. But just how much change can be tolerated, i.e. will James Bond ever be a woman?

There’s no question about it women are on the up and up, continuing our climb to smash the glass ceiling once and for all (until it rains all over us like a disco ball in a Ke$ha video). Think about it. Women now hold more positions of power than ever before (amen), composing 20% of the US Senate, holding 7 of the top 10 spots on Forbes’ Celebrity 100 list and for the first time ever, outranking men among college graduates.

Women are holding positions of power that have traditionally belonged to men. The US has now had 3 female Secretaries of State (with a fourth potentially on her way), women like Yahoo‘s CEO, Marissa Mayer, HP‘s Meg Whitman and Pepsi‘s Indra Nooyi head some of the world’s largest companies, Chelsea Handler has broken into the male-dominated late-night talk show circuit and then there are the women of SNL, namely Tina Fey, Kristen Wiig and Amy Poehler, who continue to dominate the field of comedy.

But a female Bond? Is it possible? Is it right? Why not?

Those around Bond are progressing, why not Bond himself?  In 1995, Judi Dench took over the role of “M”, traditionally played by a man, and has been kickin’ you know what ever since.

So what’s stopping us? What is holding back a female Bond? Here’s my short list.

  1. Double Standard: Aside from catching bad guys., Bond is known for two things. Fast cars and fast women. How would a female Bond stack up against a male Bond? Wouldn’t a woman who slept with that many men be considered a slut? Likely. Despite how far society’s progressed, it’s hard to imagine a world where a woman went through men like Bond went through his women without society raising an eyebrow.
  2. Clothing: The truth is the clothes that makes men and women “sexy” are very different from one another, namely women’s clothing is often not very functional (especially for crime fighting). While male Bond can wear a sexy suit and kick some serious booty, it’s hard to imagine lady Bond doing the same damage in silk dress by Vera Wang. Not to mention where would she keep her gun (we all know the average clutch is wayyy too small).
  3. Damage: I’m sure most people will argue that a female Bond is unlikely to do as much damage as her male counterpart. She won’t pack the same punch as say Daniel Craig or Sean Connery.
For those of you who have lost faith in the idea of a female Bond ever happening, have no fear… Beyoncé is here. That’s right, I said it, capital B-E-Y-O-N-C-E. Beyoncé is literally the answer to every problem listed above (and much more).
  1. Double Standard: Not only would no one dare call out Beyoncé for anything ever, but let’s get real real here: men (and women) of the world would literally be lining up around MI6 for a chance to even look at B. Show me a human who doesn’t want to get with Beyoncé, and I’ll show you an alien, because it’s not humanly possible to resist Beyonce in all her glory.
  2. Clothing: Can Beyoncé destroy you whilst still looking sexy? The answer is yes – case in point: the ‘Single Ladies’ video. Beyoncé could kick your butt all the way to Timbuktu wearing nothing but a full body leotard and a pair of spiked 6-inch Louboutins. Sexy and functional. BAM.
  3. Damage: If Beyoncé couldn’t shoot you to death, she’ll sing you to death. Terrorism is nothing compared to the 5 (FIVE!) key changes in Love on Top.

In summation, is a female Bond likely to happen anytime soon? Probably not. Will it ever happen? I’d like to think we live in a world where it could, and if it does I think it’s pretty obvious that Beyoncé would make the best Bond in the history of all Bonds. Beyoncé, James Beyoncé. 

Featured image via my Photoshop skills & Beyoncé’s 4 album cover.

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