Whacky-Ass S**t in Brandi Glannville's Book That I'm Obsessed WithTori Coyne

“I started out in the ghetto of South Sacramento, getting beat up daily by a neighborhood thug.” That’s a line in Brandi Glanville’s book, Drinking and Tweeting.

I’ll let you soak that in for a minute.

You might know Brandi Glanville from Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, her DUI or her sloppy divorce from TV actor, Eddie Cibrian. Maybe you don’t know Brandi Glanville at all, and that’s okay. One read of her tell-all book, and you’ve pretty much taken the crash course. But before you read this, let me give you some background: Brandi is the outrageous, smoking-hot divorcee of the bunch on RHOBH. She isn’t afraid to push buttons, tell it like it is or bare both butt cheeks in the tiniest bikinis known to man. She’s a ball buster and, after reading her book, sort of my hero.

“My mother taught me three simple truths in this world that everyone should recognize: everybody has been dumped: everybody has a bad day; and everybody hates anal (unless you’re gay…even then it’s a maybe).”

To be honest, I started Drinking and Tweeting expecting it to be bunch of outrageous statements put together to form paragraphs. And while there is your fair share of Brandi Babble (one per chapter, to be exact), these 141-278 pages, depending on which way you hold your iPad, offer a look at Brandi as a regular mother and scorned lover. Once you push aside all of the ridiculous things she says, she spends most of the time ripping Eddie a new one and talking about how much she loves her sons. Pretty normal, right?

Over the course of twelve chapters, Brandi covers three things:

  1. Her marriage and divorce
  2. Motherhood
  3. Becoming a reality TV star

I would like to say they all get equal coverage, but hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

While I highly recommend you download a copy for yourself, or go all ol’fashioned and pick up a copy, I will provide you Sparknotes version and my favorite Brandi quotes, in an effort to convince you that this book is well worth the read.

Eddie Cibrian

“I considered Eddie one of the most handsome men alive and appreciated the life his career provided for us, but when it came to his acting, I was under no delusions. Eddie was pretty.”

I know there are always three sides to every story, and in Brandi’s case there might be four or five, depending on how many mistresses you ask, but I couldn’t help but sympathize with Brandi as she spent most of her book detailing her less than perfect marriage, her husband’s affairs and their nasty divorce. Some might say Brandi is bitter, and to that I say: damn right she is! Wouldn’t you be?

“I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: child stars are a particular breed of hideous.”

For those who don’t know, Eddie is now married to his former mistress—you may have heard of her—LeAnn Rimes.

I will say right now, I’ve never read a book by Eddie or LeAnn or the cocktail waitress at Hooters, so I don’t really know who is right or wrong or telling the truth. But I am of the personal opinion that marriage is marriage. If you don’t want to be monogamous, that’s your prerogative, but don’t get married. And ladies: if you know a man is married (and in this case you’re married yourself), maybe decline the dinner invitation?

On boy’s poker night: “I didn’t realize that he was actually playing ‘poke her.’ I guess it’s my fault for not asking him to spell it?”

The way Brandi tells it: she stopped modeling for her marriage. Her husband liked to be in control, so she kept her body in shape and popped out two kids. She never asked questions and was overly trusting. LeAnn was the extremely public straw that broke the camel’s back. Brandi wanted to fight for her man, but he held tight to LeAnn.

Her Divorce

If you’ve seen an episode of RHOBH, you know Brandi is not one to hold back. She lays it all out there, from finding out her family was broke to her white-wine dependency.

On Unloading the Dishwasher:

“I have always been extremely domestic, but since my divorce, I could no longer afford the help I was once accustomed to, so I was learning to do things on my own again.”

Okay, maybe at times she’s a bit dramatic, but her husband left her for another woman, not to mention he also left Brandi with HPV and no health insurance. Needless to say, I’m no longer Eddie’s No. 1 fan.

Brandi signed a non-disclosure agreement, so the gritty details of her divorce are under lock and key. But Brandi makes it clear she was left with no money, few friends and deflated confidence.

Her Boys

No, I’m not talking about the countless men Brandi has slept with, although she definitely references some hottie Italians from her modeling days; I’m talking about Mason and Jake, her sons.

“Look, explaining rape and molestation to your kids is never easy, but if you don’t prepare them, who will?”

Say what you will about Brandi, but its clear from this book that she loves those boys more than anything. She credits her sons for helping her through her divorce.

Brandi also talks about darker times of motherhood, like struggling with post-partum depression right around the same time Brooke Shields and Tom Cruise were going at it in the media. I commend Brandi for shedding it all and sharing such a difficult time with her audience.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

“My first thought was, ‘Could I really be a ‘Housewife’ without a husband…or a house?’”

Brandi makes it clear that she was a shell of herself after the divorce. When she isn’t being bitter about Eddie & LeAnn or bragging about her amazing boys, Brandi has some great words of encouragement for her readers.

“Don’t be ashamed of any decision you make, and stay strong. Much like the pain of recovering from vaginal rejuvenation, this, too, shall pass.”

Okay. Maybe that wasn’t the best example. But Brandi went through some hard times, and I think we can all respect that. One of the major messages of her book is there is a light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how dark it may seem at times.

Her light was Housewives. It showed her that she could be successful without a man in her life. She could find a way to be herself and make a living from it. And isn’t that what we all want, really?  I’m not saying I want to go through some horrific divorce just to get a reality show, but I would hope in my darkest hour someone would be there to remind me that I would be okay.

Brandi talks a lot about social media – how painful it was to read about her broken marriage, but even how more painful it was to stalk her ex-husband and his new wife. She says she hoped for the day when she would Google her own name and there would be no mention of Eddie or his life with LeAnn.

And RHOBH gave that to her.

Her DUI and Other Quotes that Make Me LOL

“We took the short drive over to the Beverly Hills Police Department, where I was half-hoping I would run into Eddie Murphy.”

So maybe Brandi isn’t exactly your picture perfect role model. But I don’t think anyone is these days. Hell, isn’t there a religion where Kim Kardashian is a god? At least she owns up to her mistakes. Sure, her account of the DUI makes it seem like a big misunderstanding, but she definitely knows she was wrong.

On Tweens these days:

“They should be having slumber parties and prank-calling their classmates…not smoking pot and having oral sex parties.”

Brandi has a lot of great commentary on social media, dating post-divorce and learning to live in a world with your ex.

I’m by no means telling you that Drinking and Tweeting is the next Pride and Prejudice. It’s Brandi Glanville, after all, a woman who says things like this:

“I lived somewhere between the Bloods and the Crips, who all nicknamed me Barbie.”

And this:

“I pretty much listen to gangsta rap, all the time—its grittiness speaks to my roots. #GhettoBrandi”

And this:

“So let me offer you my first piece of advice: if you don’t already have a prescription for a good antidepressant, go see a doctor.” (FYI: She recommends Lexapro)

But the book is honest. It’s funny. And it’s short. If you love the show, have had a bad breakup or just need something entertaining to read on the morning commute, it’s totally worth the gander.

But if you’ve read this post and still aren’t convinced, let me at least leave you with this last piece of advice, so I know you’ll be all right.

“When life hands you lemons, grab the nearest bottle of vodka and make yourself a cocktail.” – Brandi Glanville.

Disclaimer: Drinking and Tweeting uses strong, adult language. If you aren’t allowed to see R-rated movies, I say you ask your parents before reading it.

Featured image via InTouchWeekly

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