This is a plea to the dudes out there. After all, if you learned anything from this last week and Weiner-Gate, it’s that you shouldn’t send us ladies pictures of your junk. It will end up being seen by someone else – more likely everyone else -and besides that, we are not turned on by photos of your weiner. They look strange, if not down right funny and our reaction to getting said text will NOT be an instant orgasm like you had
hoped. It more likely will go something like this- “What is that? Is that… Wait… nooooo…. ewwww…. I have to show this to Marcy!”
So to help you men out, I’ve compiled a list of things that you should text/send us if you are truly looking to get us all hot ‘n bothered.
- A picture of you being nice to our mom (or dad, grandparent, crippled sibling). You can be pulling out a chair for her, helping her carry groceries or fixing her sink. Impress our mom, we’ll show you our jugs.
- A picture of you making a fire, cutting down a tree, re-building an engine, catching
a fish, etc. We want to know that if and when the stuff goes down (i.e. Zombie Apocalypse) that you will kick ass and help us start a new society. - A photo and detailed account of the amazing four-course meal you just made. Use
descriptive words like demi-glace, parmesan-crusted, and au jus. Food is our porn,
why do you think the food network exists? - A film still from that scene in the recent Jane Eyre movie where Michael Fassbender is in what amounts to a very short nightgown. You see just the hint of his buttock and it is breathtaking. Do NOT send a picture of yourself in said short nightgown, it only works for him because the movie takes place in olden times and because he is magic. But I guarantee it will still have desired effect of getting us excited.
- A hot text, and by hot text I mean saying some thing like, “God, you’re so smart
and funny, it makes me forget how pretty you are”. That’s the equivalent of us girls
saying to a guy “God, you’re so huge!”.
And last but not least…
If you are thinking of sexting/flirting with a single mom (like a certain Congressman Weiner), send her a video of you making some children laugh. That’s mom foreplay. If that’s too much trouble, just send her a text saying, “You’re doing a great job. Seriously, you’re supermom, and you’re enough”. That’ll get her so much hotter than a photo of the outline of your dong in an old pair of undies.
These are just a few simple suggestions that if you follow, I promise we will want to see your weiner later… in a very dark room… at night.
Image courtesy of russellmoore.com
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Love this. Well written and funny
I did a small survey trying of heterosexual men around me (which is hard for me to find) and I really just wanna know where the misconception that women want to see their junk so badly. It is a mystery.
Well said! And jeez, you’d think with a surname like “Weiner” You’d try to avoid as many sex scandals as possible…
I really wish I could make every male I know read this.
Fantastic!!!!!!
I loudly proclaimed YES to all of this. I don’t know how many guys that I’ve dated have sent the crotch photo. I actually told one of them that I prefer a little mystery, to which he responded with another photo where he held a spiral notebook over his crotch with a giant ? drawn on the page. I had to give him another date for the effort.
Men will just never learn! lol Woman do NOT want to see all that! I totally go for the classy, romantic and sweet guy, am I right ladies?
Thanks for the tips — seriously — but IMO offering discouragement to the kinds of morons who send pics of their wee-willies seems about as useful as those warning labels on SUPERMAN costumes which state”WARNING: CAPE DOES NOT GIVE WEARER THE POWER TO FLY.”
I mean, those who **need** such a warning are far and away the least likely to **heed** such a warning.
Still, solid advice.
Good recommendations. However, I think there will still be way too many guys who can’t resist/get drunk. So what I’ve taken from this event is that you do not use the same venue for building your political career and for sexting. Just get off Twitter, on OK Cupid, or Chatroulette (is that still a thing?) if you want to show off creepy closeups of your body.
Well said!!!
Haha, chopping down a tree waaaay more provokative than undie pics. Honestly. But guys. I’m so sad Weiner did this. Not in on the full story but I know it was pictures to females above 18 (thank goodness,) and he isn’t married so who can really hate on the man. I respect him as a politician, he demands an explanation from sticky situations. It will get you pumped yo. Check it out. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W4zwCMf8dsc&feature=youtube_gdata_player THE GENTLEMAN WILL SIT. Rep it Tony.
Aaaaahh like I said wasn’t sure about the whole story. I found out through hearsay. My appologies ma’am.
He is married.
This is genius. Every man needs to learn this.