We Want to Be Thousandaires, So Freaking Bad

We often dream of winning the lottery, but let’s be honest, we’d settle for coming into any amount of unearned money. (Seriously, if you saw how excited we get when we find a quarter on the street, you’d be embarrassed for us.) As we are sure most of you feel the same way, we are currently giving away a $1000 American Express gift card in the spirit of the season. Since we obviously can’t win the money ourselves, we’ve decided to live vicariously through you instead and have thus come up with a few suggestions as to how we think you should spend said $1000. They are as follows (and good luck!):

1. Let’s start with the most obvious — a round-trip plane ticket to ANYWHERE. Forget NYE at home with your boyfriend, you’re going to Paris, bitches! And just remember: a vacation doesn’t count unless you’ve streamed its every moment on Instagram and annoyed/alienated everyone you know by doing so. Be sure to hashtag it #freetrip just in case they aren’t getting the point.

2. Join a gym. Perhaps not the most pleasant option (and let’s be honest, no one is going to choose to do this with their winnings), but you’d thank us after Sexy Gym Guy asked you to go “hiking” with him. Err, we mean, after you got into the best shape of your life, reduced your risk of cardiovascular disease and boosted your energy levels. (The gym isn’t just about meeting boys…the gym isn’t just about meeting boys…the gym…)  By the way, for those who do in fact select this option (just think how proud your high school P.E. teacher would be!), $1000 could get  you two years at LA Fitness, or 40 Soul Cycle classes.

3. Get a new couch. If you’re anything like us, your sofa might need a bit of an update. Some dubious things have happened there over the years. (Where did those cigarette burns come from? We don’t even smoke…)

4. Head to the 99 Cent Store and just go CRAZY. Do you know how many Topsy Turvy Tomato Planters you can buy with $1000?!

5. Treat yourself to a new handbag. The one you choose should go with everything, hold all the necessities, make other women weep and exude a little bit of I’m-better-than-you. Otherwise, what’s the point? Something like this should do the trick.

6. Investing — ever heard of it? We don’t know a ton about the stock market, so we’re not gonna go there, but we can suggest you head to the local 7-Eleven and pick up a few (hundred) lottery tickets. As we mentioned earlier, winning the lottery is the ultimate dream. Just remember, our cut is 20%.

7. Purchase a new laptop. You  know, for work/Netflix. Sell your old computer on Gazelle and buy a brand-spanking-new 11-inch MacBook Air for $999.

8. Incense. Do you know how much incense you can buy for $1,000? We don’t know either, but we’re sure it’s a lot. You can burn that stuff all day long, for YEARS, people. Your place will smell like a Tibetan monastery. Maybe you can even take up meditation! The possibilities are endless.

9. Pay back all the people you owe money to. We personally wouldn’t do this if we won $1000, but we’re also crazy selfish.

10. Buy 2 of these chairs emblazoned with Ryan Gosling’s face. And no, we’re not going to make an inappropriate joke here. Because we’re better than that, and because we want him to marry us someday. Are you listening, Ryan?

11. Prepare for the end of the world, which is happening on December 21st. Use the $1000 to stock up on canned food, bottled water, and maybe one of these. Or actually, don’t, because preparing for the end of the world actually doesn’t make any sense. If the world is over, what the eff do you need 200 water bottles for? For those who actually believe this is happening, we suggest donating the money to a religious institution OR being wildly hedonistic so as to live your last days to their fullest. Your call.

On a more serious note, you could donate the money to help the victims of the Sandy Hook shooting. In fact, even if you don’t win our AmEx giveaway, you should donate. Even $1 helps.

Written by Harling Ross

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