Wanna Be My Friend?

You know, there was a time in my life when I befriended, like, EVERYONE. Then I grew up and these friends all started inviting me their bridal showers, weddings, baby showers and other time-consuming, expensive and only-fun-for-the-party-involved events. It was at this moment that I decided to be more selective and strict about who I welcome into my world. Being an extremist, I’ve implemented and distributed the following to my friends. I encourage you to do the same, especially if you’re in your late teens to early ’20s; nip it in the bud before the events take over your existence.

Dear Friends: Narcissistic as it may sound, there are very specific rules and guidelines one must follow in order to maintain a real life friendship with ME, Candice, AKA Kandice. Please take serious consideration to the following rules. If at any point you decide, “This is just too much for me” or “This bitch lost her mind”, please take a 5 minute breather. During this time, evaluate your life, try to imagine it without me, then put your tail between your legs and repeat to yourself, “She’s not THAT bad.”

  1. We PUBLICLY agree with each other. When I hate something, you hate it too. You think someone is a douchebag, I think they are a douchebag too. We don’t have our own public opinions; we just back each other up. The goal is to get your opinion out in the open FIRST, then I have no choice but to agree with you because the force of 2 is stronger than the force of 1. Similar to a cult but without all of the meetings.
  2. You must be able to rap at least 3 Nicki Minaj songs beginning to end while making the corresponding facial expressions. If you are not down with my celebrity bestie, then you’re not down with me.
  3. You must be able to function in a pair of 5-inch high heels. You are not obligated to wear them daily but you must know how to handle ya bidness when rocking the stems.
  4. You will never wear white leggings. Ever. This is cause for immediate termination. This rule only applies for adult friends.
  5. You will never refer to your mother as a “bitch”. Not even in the privacy of your own home or behind my back. This is classless and unacceptable. Footnote: The phrases, “bad bitch” and “hot bitch” are acceptable, depending on your audience.
  6. If your name is Becky, I’m allowed to laugh when I say it because I’m that mature.
  7. You will not display any form of racism. You may joke about stereotypes but once they become harmful or rude, you will be cut off. Saying, “White people have their therapist on speed dial” or “Black people wear colorful sneakers” is okay, because white/black people joke about silly stereotypes. We can all handle it. But don’t be overly ignorant or you’re out.
  8. You will NEVER refer to a “rhinestone” as a “diamond” and further, you will not pronounce “diamond” as “Dy-Mund”. Diamonds come from jewelers, not from The Situation’s t-shirt.
  9. Khloe and Lamar will be on your mind the majority of the day. At lunch, you imagine what they’re eating, in the shower, you imag- never mind, you get my drift. You will refer to the couple as “Khlomar” and to Lamar as “Lam Lam”. You will express your undying gratefulness for Lam Lam coming into Khloe’s life and making her so happy. We want the best for our Kardash girls.
  10. You will have a sense of humor and speak sarcasm fluently. No oversensitivity allowed. In conjunction, you will NEVER cry at the bar or at work. I’ll find out. Further, you will be there for me no matter how many times I make fun of you and vice versa.
  11. You don’t need the fanciest or priciest car but there also cannot be any pieces missing, i.e. mirrors, antennas, gas caps, lights, etc. When parking said vehicle, you will park dead center between the lines without hovering to either side. You will not park on a slant or take up more than one space. I don’t care what you drive, it will not be parked like a toddler got hold of your car keys. Dead center between the lines and straighten out the wheel.
  12. You will not be a lazy American. If your destination is within walking distance, you’ll walk or ride your bike. You will hit the gym, take walks, play tennis, etc.
  13. Kris Humphries. Anytime anyone mentions his name, you immediately respond with, “HE LOOKS LIKE TAYLOR SWIFT!” Then cross your arms. Always – and I mean ALWAYS – bring up Kris saying to Rob, “Look at me, son.” This is so important. Mock his voice, too, for the full effect. I don’t know if I don’t like him because I have a girl crush on Kim and I’m jealous or because he played about 628.75 practical jokes on the Bora Bora trip and he annoyed me, but whatever, I’m sure he’ll grow on me. I’m so protective over my sisters.
  14. Don’t tell lies. And if you must, let me in on them. I can’t tolerate selfishness. And finally…
  15. Once I dismiss you as my friend, you cannot be friends with anyone I have ever introduced you to. Trust me, they wont choose you over me, so don’t try it. And I will make them choose just to hurt your feelings. Mean girls represent!

It’s not so bad, right? I mean, these are pretty standard rules for any girl. This summer, I attended two baby showers, five bridal showers, three weddings, have two more weddings coming up this month and more on the way! Earlier, when I complained about the events, I was somewhat exaggerating; its been a blast! Either my friends know I’m a fan of breaking rules, are great with rules or my rules are far too standard. Regardless, guidelines excite me. What are some rules of being your friend?

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