I’ve never liked New Year’s resolutions. In fact, I sort of think they’re awful. In factier fact, I’d like to lock them in the never-to-be-seen-again closet with the world’s collections of Crocs, harem pants and Facebook self-portraits of couples kissing (disf**kinglike). Why do I so loathe resolutions? Maybe it’s because I find effort overrated. Or perhaps it’s because I can only resolve to “be less unattainably majestic” so many years before I realize you simply can’t fight destiny. Or potentially it’s because most people’s New Year’s resolutions are completely and ridiculously impossible. Like, unless you got a magic genie for Christmas this year, you’re not going to become fluent in French by 2014. And since magic genies are only available for commercial sale from Arbor Day to National Date Nut Bread Day (September 8th), your dreams are dashed.
… That is, unless you find a LOOPHOLE. Well, they don’t call me Emily “Loophole” Hirshey for nothing. They do it because I asked them to in order to qualify me as an advisor on this topic. And you know what that name change gave me? A loophole. So, with my meta-qualifications established, feel free to trust me to set your goals for the next year. I am fully confident you can achieve all of these dreams…as long as you have an affinity for ellipses, addendums and, naturally, malt liquor.
The 20 New Year’s Resolutions Even You Are Capable Of Keeping In 2013
- Spend more time with family…members of someone living in or around your current location.
- Exercise more…of your right to remain sedentary when deemed necessary.
- Eat better…waffles. There’s a whole world outside Eggo. Leggo.
- Drink less…malt liquor before 4 pm on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
- Lose ten pounds…by looking at yourself in a camera and then not in a camera.
- Quit smoking…meat at vegan barbecues.
- Save money…on sweetener by stealing it from Starbucks.
- Learn a new language…exists that you didn’t know about, e.g. Wolof in Senegal. Welp, guess we’re done with #8.
- Get organized…dividers from Staples. Now throw them somewhere to be used later.
- Be more patient…with the show Revenge. The “white haired man” only lasts for a few episodes.
- Appreciate the little things…by seeing The Hobbit. Now you’re done.
- Recycle…jokes. Because Arbor Day is always funny.
- Travel. No initial qualifying ellipsis necessary…I mean, you do this everyday…Gotta complete the sentence to get more specific about this…Soooo…check.
- Volunteer…as tribute. In case it ever comes up.
- Get Unplugged…presented by VH1 featuring Taylor Swift on DVD.
- Stop snacking for no reason…because there are so many reasons: Boredom, sorrow, anxiety, proximity…No excuses for no excuses.
- Smile more…at people who might try to sit next to you on the bus. They’ll keep their distance.
- Read more…menus of available malt liquors.
- Get Happy…Socks.™ And send them to me.
- Be less stressed…about your resolutions. Because it’s February and you’re already done! #changes #byTupac #isagoodsong #butyoualsoseemdifferent
Images via Google, SavageChickens