I walked into a drugstore on December 27th and was met with a giant Valentine’s Day display. Unable to restrain my disdain, I said out loud, “Oh, COME ON! It’s not even January! Give us a break!” Those of us who are single (and aren’t exactly in love with being single) have JUST gotten through Christmas. And you bust out the most difficult-to-be-alone-on holiday two days later?! For shame, aforementioned nameless drugstore. FOR…SHAME.
Valentine’s Day has always sucked for me because it’s ten days after my birthday. Somehow this translates to guys as “it’s so close, you don’t have to recognize it”. That’s right, I’ve yet to have a boyfriend properly recognize V-Day with me. Ever. Even though I always tell them “I’ve never dated anyone who has recognized it because it’s so close to my birthday” and EVERY DUDE always recoils at how TERRIBLE that is and swear that they would NEVER be so insensitive. But of course, when Feb 14th rolls around, they inevitably DO THE EXACT SAME THING. But I digress. My terrible choices in men are a whole other post that I should probably just compose and immediately forward to a therapist.
Now, I’m not someone who gets huffy about “consumerism” or “commercialization of holidays”. I like what holidays stand for and I like recognizing said holidays with gifts or cheesy décor. Get off my back. Not that I’m saying I’m pro consumer-commercialization but hey, I’m an actor, I make money from commercials, so consequently my moral line has to be blurred about such things.
What I don’t like is feeling like Valentine’s Day is about the love shared between two people. Remember when you were a little kid and you had to write out a valentine to every other kid in your class? Even the kids you “didn’t like”? Back then, Valentine’s Day was about showing everyone love regardless of whether or not you actually loved them. And as I’ve gotten older, I’ve forgotten this. So in honor of the true meaning of Valentine’s Day, I just want to say…
I LOVE YOU:
1. PEOPLE IN A RUSH ON THE STREET WHO RUN INTO YOU AND DON’T APOLOGIZE.
I love that you’re busy. I feel like you must be really important and/or have somewhere really important to be, so, I’M sorry I got in your way. I love you, buddy!
2. THE GUY WHO LIVES ON MY FLOOR WHO ALWAYS SAYS HI TO ME EXCEPT WHEN HE’S WITH HIS GF.
Solid move, bro. We women be CRAZY and she would have CLEARLY scratched my eyes out had you spoken to me in front of her. I love your old-fashioned ideals! You’re so MAD MEN!
3. THAT GIRL I MET AT A PARTY LAST WEEK WHO COMPLAINED ABOUT BEING OBESE.
Sweetie, you’re a size 2. Still, I love you, you delusional product of our flawed society!
4. THOSE BIRD-EATING SPIDERS.
You are effing terrifying. You actually make me feel sick inside. That said, I love you for being so badass and for emotionally affecting me so much. Kudos!
5. PAINFUL ZITS.
Look, we’ve been in an on-again/off-again relationship since I was about 13. You are probably the most difficult thing in my life to love. In fact, I feel no love for you at all. But I guess I respect your determination. Doesn’t matter how old I get or how much water I drink, every so often you’ll pop up and make my week a little suckier than it was before you showed. Thanks for keeping me humble.
6. THE EXTRA IN THE MOVIE I JUST SHOT WHO CALLED ME A NARCISSIST FOR POSTING THIS PIC OF MYSELF ON INSTAGRAM.
As I told you then, I’ll say this: I love seeing the pics my friends post online of their babies and husbands, but since I don’t have either of those things, I post about my job. Regardless, I love you for making me feel shitty about myself for a few minutes! Frankly, I was feeling too happy and confident for my own good! Thanks for bringing me back down to earth.
In conclusion, I want to encourage all of you to re-claim the TRUE meaning of Valentine’s Day this year, like I did. Think of all the people you don’t love who could probably use a little love. (Except the people who made the call to put those Valentine’s Day cards out on December 27th. They’re just monsters.)
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