If you’ve ever seen The Lion King, you know that hyenas are not the nicest of creatures. If you’ve never seen The Lion King, hello and welcome to our planet, the only things you need to not be ousted are Mean Girls quotes and a healthy obsession with Ryan Gosling. Get those down and you’ll be fiiiine.
So yes, Hyenas. Everyone knows that Hyenas = Evil and kinda dumb. Except for Shenzi, of course, because that’s Whoopi Goldberg and Whoopi wins the world at everything. But The Lion King did wrong, you guys. Hyenas are freaking awesome. The artists working on the movie actually got to check out the awesomeness of the spotted hyena before they made it. They promised to be nice, but were so not nice that one of the scientists who organised the visit sued them. He lost. But yay him for trying. He also called for people to boycott the movie, in order to protect the image of the spotted hyena. Everyone apart from aliens ignored him. But you go, Glen Coco.
Spotted hyenas were the inventors of girl power. The Spice Girls have nothing on them. Not only do hyenas have a female running the whole show at the head of the clan, (otherwise known as the matriarch or fluffy Beyoncé) but the male hyenas rank below every single one of the ladies. That’s probably because the females are bigger and badder, have a LOT of testosterone, and keep the men in line with their super sharp teeth. Although hyenas are the original feminists, they like a bit of a scrap and aren’t afraid to get feisty to claw their way up the pack. The only way to win the crown is to fight for it, and everyone likes a crown, right?
Even though they get to gloat, lady hyenas get one perk that isn’t that great. They have man bits. Ok, they’re not strictly man bits, since they’re adorning a lady, but they’re shaped like a gentleman’s *ahem* sausage. You can imagine that it wouldn’t be very pleasant to give birth out of, hardly a Zen water birth, which is why there are no hyena scientologists, and also why it’s common for hyenas to die during labour. Did I mention they have two to four cubs? Ouch. But think of how difficult it is for the hyenas to make the babies in the first place. Let’s just say it takes a lot of practice, and afterwards the male runs. Fast.