Are You There Blog? It's Me CaraghUnconventional Ways My Las Vegas Trip Could Go Horribly AwryCaragh Poh

I gasped as I tripped over a miniscule divot recessed in the sidewalk.

“What’s wrong?” Becca asked, as she looked back.

“I just almost fell and and broke every single one of my teeth on the asphalt!” I explained.

“She kind of tripped,” Jess added in a tone that suggested she was rolling her eyes, “and immediately jumped to the worst possible conclusion.”

It’s true. I’m prone to hyperbolic thought. And it’s the worst thing ever.

Things don’t just happen to me. They HAPPEN to me, in capital letters that have been made bold and italicized. Everything is Pearl Harbor all over again, from spilling fingernail polish to almost hitting a squirrel.

I’m leaving for Las Vegas in 2 days and I have been so sick with nerves that today I regretted not buying a refundable ticket. Vacations are my number one source of stress. It’s like a New Year’s Eve party times a thousand. The pressure to have fun is so immense that I just want to nap until it’s over.

Here are some vacation-ruining scenarios I have played out in my head when I should have been paying attention to a professor’s lecture or a friend’s story:

  • I meet Ryan Gosling during my layover. As we chat, seemingly totally entranced with each other, he excuses himself to the bathroom indicating he will be right back. As I watch him walk towards the bath — wait, that’s not the direction of the bathrooms. Wait, why is he sitting down over there? Next to that other girl? He’s coming back though, right?
  • I accidentally fall into the Grand Canyon during our day trip to said Canyon. I subsequently become the first person in the world to discover that the Grand Canyon is an endless hole in the Earth, defying all sorts of science. I then become the first person in the world to die of boredom after free – falling for 4 days. “Ryan Gosling could have loved me if he tried!” I would scream moments before drawing my last, bored breath.
  • I find out that there’s no CVS within walking distance of my hotel on the strip. This is a real, legitimate fear.
  • Las Vegas is 99 degrees fahrenheit when we land. Oh wait, that’s reality and it’s awful. I can’t wait to be totally disgusted with the amount of sweat dripping from my body. Each drip reminding me that I am disgustingly human, each drop an answer to the ever burning question, “Am I gross?” (“Yes.”)
  • I become so enthralled with the limelight that is legal prostitution that I decide to rescind my life as a 23-year-old college student who works part time to support her cell phone habit and writes for the Internet to support her narcissism habit in favor of a life of legal Bunny Ranches.
  • I don’t meet Ryan Gosling at all.
I’ll check back in next week, folks, and let you know exactly how many times I met Ryan Gosling and how hard he laughed at my many hilarious jokes.
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  1. I went to Vegas for the first time last summer for a wedding. Said wedding happened to be in the middle of August. The temperature was something like 55 degrees celsius (I’m Canadian so Fahrenheit makes no sense to me). When it’s that warm out it really doesn’t matter if there is a CVS a block away from your hotel. If your pale and gangly like me, the heat is not your friend. I almost died walking 3 blocks down the strip, and that was while drinking a ice cold (but quickly luke warm) bottle of water. I recommend the party all night, sleep all day approach. It’s far more pleasant than icky desert heat.

  2. 1. I’m so JEAL of your Vegas trip. 2. You’re F’in hilarious and 3. New Years Eve is always the most stressful day of my life; I never want to leave the house and I just cannot commit to being awake at midnight. I hate committments and plans. Omg anxiety thinking that New Years is coming up! STOP!

  3. I live in Vegas so you are safe when it comes to CVS. There is a huge one of the Strip, near the Cosmo I want to say. BTW, Cosmo has the most delicious buffet there called the Wicked Spoon. Dry heat so no sweat, plus the end of the week should be mid-90s area. After 112 degree days the mid-90s are heaven. There are tons of free things to do on the Strip. Hell, you barely have to leave the airport! Have a great vacation!

  4. There is a lot of weird stuff going on in your head.. but I like it

  5. On behalf of the Internet, I insist you find Ryan (that’s how tight we are- first name basis) and smell him.
    :/
    He looks like he has a really nice cologne collection…

  6. As long as you don’t wake up with a tiger in your bathroom, I think you’ll be ok. :-)

  7. Both of the above comments are correct! Have fun!

  8. a) Las Vegas is dry heat so you won’t sweat as bad as you think you will!! b) I don’t know where you’re staying but there’s a CVS on the strip within walking distance of the MGM/Luxor/Camelot.

  9. Well if it makes you feel better, I know from personal experience that there are in fact SEVERAL CVS stores in, on and around the strip. One worry fixed!