Apocalypstick's ApocaLIST

Top Twelve Candidates For Dancing With The Stars

12. Bret Easton Ellis.

"I hope my score isn't less than...zero. YEEEEAAAHHHHH!!!"

Why not have a literary star on the show? (Ellis’ most famous works are Less Than Zero and American Psycho). It would be so wonderfully weird. He probably wouldn’t bother to learn the dance, but I bet he’d kill at the waltz (get it? KILL? Because of American Psycho and…oh, whatever, so what, who cares.)


11. Mark Hamill.

May the dance be with you.

You know, Luke Skywalker. And the voice of The Joker in the animated Batman series, if you’re a total nerd. I think he would be good at this solely based on his performance in Guys and Dolls…on The Simpsons. Sure, he was animated, but he was also animated. “Luke be a Jedi tonight,” he sang to the tune of ‘Luck Be A Lady Tonight’. “Luke be a Jedi tonight. Do it with Yoda while we serve our guests a soda…” he then pointed out that these weren’t the actual lyrics but the mob forced him to keep singing. It all makes sense in the episode. Sort of.

10. Tyra Banks.

Pot ledom! Aka "really? that low?" backwards.

Girl, if you compete and land in the bottom two we can all chant, “WE WERE ROOTING FOR YOU! WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU!” You’ve hosted a reality series about competition, so why not compete in a reality series yourself? And you would wear the hell out of those dancing costumes better than anyone else. Tyra would do so much more than dance on this show. She would educate us about learning to love ourselves, which hair products are the best, and the true meaning of Christmas.


9. Ringo Starr OR Yoko Ono.

Asian Tom Petty and my uncle, I think.

I can’t decide which one I would rather see on this show. Ringo could probably do it, not just because of his musical ability, but because, come on, what else is he doing right now? Yoko should do it because people are still mad at Yoko for breaking up the Beatles and nothing says, “I’m sorry” like dancing the rhumba to a Rihanna song. Starr would fill the jokester role, always cracking jokes and wearing sunglasses indoors, and Yoko would also wear sunglasses indoors but with hats.

8. Faye Dunaway.

No wire hangers in her dressing room.

LEGEND. Bonnie & Clyde, Chinatown, Mommie Dearest. Few actresses are Hollywood Icons and Dunaway deserves some respect. Yes, she’s difficult to work with; all the better entertainment for us! I bet she would insist that her choreography is better than her dance partner’s and that she would argue with the judges. “Don’t tell me how to dance. I‘ve been dancing all my life!” she’d hiss, and then throw a shoe or something. I love this woman.


7. James Franco.

Damn Africa, what happened?

He’s done stranger things, like guest starring on All My Children and writing a play about a monkey or something, I don’t really follow the collective works on James Franco. I think he would really like doing this though, for real.


6. Betty White.

Luckiest hot dog ever.

There’s still time!


5. Quentin Tarantino.

Pulp Fiction is almost 20 years old. You can go cry now.

Hey, speaking of crazy. I think we all need to see this. Please. Please, Quentin. You take so long in between making films anyway, why not do this? I don’t even think you’d take this seriously, which is what would make it so awesome. I can picture you doing something insane, like riding in on a bull for absolutely no reason and then show up drunk on results night with a sword.


4. Christopher Walken.

This is his happy face.

He actually loves to dance! It would almost be unfair though, not just because of his catlike dance moves, but also because Christopher Walken captures the heart of America. We love this guy. Ask any 20-something, slightly-hipster person who their favorite actor is and they will say either: 1.) Christopher Walken 2.) Jeff Goldblum and 3.) Bill Murray. All of whom would be fantastic DWTS contenders, though I have a feeling Bill Murray would phone it in the first week and then quit. But Jeff Goldblum would tear it up the way that T-Rex teared up that guy in the porta-potty in Jurassic Park.


3. Paris Jackson.

Okay it's settled, Christopher Walken is definitely this girl's father.

Don’t wanna be startin’ somethin’? I wanna be startin’ somethin’. Look, this isn’t just for curiosity’s sake and the media blitz that would follow. Paris seems like a sweet girl and I’ve heard from sources that she loves to sing, dance and act, so what better venue? Also, when I say sources, what I mean is things that I make up, but I think I’m actually right about this one. America would be rooting for her like a child roots for their raindrop in the raindrop race on the outside of their passenger window.


2. Lindsay Lohan.

I have two Fendi bags and a silver Lexus.

It’s not too late to turn it around, Linds! You just did a spread in Playboy which, is, uh, good for you, I guess, but this could be the real career boost you need! We’ve seen you dance and you’re not terrible! And if you and Tyra join the cast at the same time we’ll have a Life Size reunion, the best TV movie about Tyra Banks as a doll coming to life, ever.


1. Oprah.


I’m not stupid. I know that this will never, ever happen. Oprah is too busy, too grand, too famous. But she’s all about “stepping out of your box” and “living your best life” so she should take a chance and so something crazy like participate in a reality dancing competition featuring the most random assortment of celebrities. Have you guys been watching Oprah’s Life Class? It’s really good. It’s basically a new Oprah Winfrey show that is an excuse to air clips from The Oprah Winfrey Show on Oprah Winfrey’s new network. Yet strangely enough it’s not enough Oprah Winfrey for me. I need to see her in a dance competition. Then I’ll be satisfied.



Images: , , MHPBooks.

featured image: Apartment Therapy


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