Apocalypstick's ApocaLIST

Top Twelve Candidates For Dancing With The Stars

12. Bret Easton Ellis.

bret easton ellis

"I hope my score isn't less than...zero. YEEEEAAAHHHHH!!!"

Why not have a literary star on the show? (Ellis’ most famous works are Less Than Zero and American Psycho). It would be so wonderfully weird. He probably wouldn’t bother to learn the dance, but I bet he’d kill at the waltz (get it? KILL? Because of American Psycho and…oh, whatever, so what, who cares.)


11. Mark Hamill.

mark hamill the simpsons

May the dance be with you.

You know, Luke Skywalker. And the voice of The Joker in the animated Batman series, if you’re a total nerd. I think he would be good at this solely based on his performance in Guys and Dolls…on The Simpsons. Sure, he was animated, but he was also animated. “Luke be a Jedi tonight,” he sang to the tune of ‘Luck Be A Lady Tonight’. “Luke be a Jedi tonight. Do it with Yoda while we serve our guests a soda…” he then pointed out that these weren’t the actual lyrics but the mob forced him to keep singing. It all makes sense in the episode. Sort of.

10. Tyra Banks.

tyra banks

Pot ledom! Aka "really? that low?" backwards.

Girl, if you compete and land in the bottom two we can all chant, “WE WERE ROOTING FOR YOU! WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU!” You’ve hosted a reality series about competition, so why not compete in a reality series yourself? And you would wear the hell out of those dancing costumes better than anyone else. Tyra would do so much more than dance on this show. She would educate us about learning to love ourselves, which hair products are the best, and the true meaning of Christmas.


9. Ringo Starr OR Yoko Ono.

yoko ono ringo starr

Asian Tom Petty and my uncle, I think.

I can’t decide which one I would rather see on this show. Ringo could probably do it, not just because of his musical ability, but because, come on, what else is he doing right now? Yoko should do it because people are still mad at Yoko for breaking up the Beatles and nothing says, “I’m sorry” like dancing the rhumba to a Rihanna song. Starr would fill the jokester role, always cracking jokes and wearing sunglasses indoors, and Yoko would also wear sunglasses indoors but with hats.

8. Faye Dunaway.

faye dunaway

No wire hangers in her dressing room.

LEGEND. Bonnie & Clyde, Chinatown, Mommie Dearest. Few actresses are Hollywood Icons and Dunaway deserves some respect. Yes, she’s difficult to work with; all the better entertainment for us! I bet she would insist that her choreography is better than her dance partner’s and that she would argue with the judges. “Don’t tell me how to dance. I‘ve been dancing all my life!” she’d hiss, and then throw a shoe or something. I love this woman.


7. James Franco.

james franco

Damn Africa, what happened?

He’s done stranger things, like guest starring on All My Children and writing a play about a monkey or something, I don’t really follow the collective works on James Franco. I think he would really like doing this though, for real.


6. Betty White.

betty white

Luckiest hot dog ever.

There’s still time!


5. Quentin Tarantino.

quentin tarantino

Pulp Fiction is almost 20 years old. You can go cry now.

Hey, speaking of crazy. I think we all need to see this. Please. Please, Quentin. You take so long in between making films anyway, why not do this? I don’t even think you’d take this seriously, which is what would make it so awesome. I can picture you doing something insane, like riding in on a bull for absolutely no reason and then show up drunk on results night with a sword.


4. Christopher Walken.

This is his happy face.

He actually loves to dance! It would almost be unfair though, not just because of his catlike dance moves, but also because Christopher Walken captures the heart of America. We love this guy. Ask any 20-something, slightly-hipster person who their favorite actor is and they will say either: 1.) Christopher Walken 2.) Jeff Goldblum and 3.) Bill Murray. All of whom would be fantastic DWTS contenders, though I have a feeling Bill Murray would phone it in the first week and then quit. But Jeff Goldblum would tear it up the way that T-Rex teared up that guy in the porta-potty in Jurassic Park.


3. Paris Jackson.

paris jackson

Okay it's settled, Christopher Walken is definitely this girl's father.

Don’t wanna be startin’ somethin’? I wanna be startin’ somethin’. Look, this isn’t just for curiosity’s sake and the media blitz that would follow. Paris seems like a sweet girl and I’ve heard from sources that she loves to sing, dance and act, so what better venue? Also, when I say sources, what I mean is things that I make up, but I think I’m actually right about this one. America would be rooting for her like a child roots for their raindrop in the raindrop race on the outside of their passenger window.


2. Lindsay Lohan.

lindsay lohan blonde

I have two Fendi bags and a silver Lexus.

It’s not too late to turn it around, Linds! You just did a spread in Playboy which, is, uh, good for you, I guess, but this could be the real career boost you need! We’ve seen you dance and you’re not terrible! And if you and Tyra join the cast at the same time we’ll have a Life Size reunion, the best TV movie about Tyra Banks as a doll coming to life, ever.


1. Oprah.



I’m not stupid. I know that this will never, ever happen. Oprah is too busy, too grand, too famous. But she’s all about “stepping out of your box” and “living your best life” so she should take a chance and so something crazy like participate in a reality dancing competition featuring the most random assortment of celebrities. Have you guys been watching Oprah’s Life Class? It’s really good. It’s basically a new Oprah Winfrey show that is an excuse to air clips from The Oprah Winfrey Show on Oprah Winfrey’s new network. Yet strangely enough it’s not enough Oprah Winfrey for me. I need to see her in a dance competition. Then I’ll be satisfied.



Images: Lambda Literary, Total Film, Ask Men, Daily Mail, Celeb QuestionCelebrity House Gossip, Ear Sucker, MHPBooks.

featured image: Apartment Therapy


  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=3400684 Abby Stern

    Rick Moranis…there, I said it

    • http://www.facebook.com/leah.farrell1 Leah Farrell


    • http://www.facebook.com/almie.rose Almie Rose

      Girl, we have a connection. You know what’s so weird? Before this even posted I was lying in bed drifting off to sleep and suddenly in my head, loud as a bell, was the name RICK MORANIS. And I thought damn, I should have included him. This is why we’re friends.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=3400684 Abby Stern

      Almie, our next date is takeout and a Spaceballs, My Blue Heaven, Little Shop Of Horrors marathon. Perhaps we shall call it “Moranis-fest”?

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1427220065 Kelly Marie

    ALL of these people. But especially Jeff Goldblum, Christopher Walken, or Fay Dunaway. I’d also love to see Kelly Ripa, Alec Baldwin, or Joan Rivers.

  • http://www.facebook.com/MsPeggster Peggy Korpela

    I like all of these, they’d be equally entertaining.

  • http://www.facebook.com/jnross Jennie Ross

    James Franco guest starred on General Hospital, not All My Children :)

    • http://www.facebook.com/almie.rose Almie Rose

      D’OH! My bad, I should at least Wikipedia my facts. Except this is more fun.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000059608761 Hernandez Diaz

    If James Franco was in it, I Would So watch it but good choices~I agree with all of them.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=719606883 Patty Housel

    If any ONE of these people were on it I would watch. I wish the casting people on this show had some imagination.

  • Anonymous

    Great list Almie. Christopher Walken would dominate.

    • http://www.facebook.com/almie.rose Almie Rose

      Thank you!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=578787654 Corinne Paige Rampton

    omg omg omg the part about the Lindsey Lohan/Tyra Banks/Life Size reunion. HI-LARIOUS

    • http://www.facebook.com/almie.rose Almie Rose

      Have you seen it??

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100002818633983 Lindsay Sell

    betty white, ftw. seriously. it would make me watch it.

  • http://www.facebook.com/clobberella13 Kelly Shaw

    I love this list as it is. I would want to see Jeff Bridges in full on “The Dude” Mode, both Amy Poehler and Tina Fey competing against each other, and If they were still alive and in their prime Peter Sellers and James Mason. Cristopher Walken would be awesome. but he’s probably too qualified. Remember that Fatboy Slim video?(something I thought I’d never say)

    • http://www.facebook.com/clobberella13 Kelly Shaw

      Also the Life Size reunion would be awesome. I can’t believe Tyra hasn’t had Lindsay on her show so she can try to talk some sense into her. I imagine it would go “Girl you need to get things together, it’s like you lost your ability to smeyes(smize, how do you spell that) and you know if you can’t smile with your eyes you just can’t make it in this world.”

  • http://www.facebook.com/itsmeaganleigh Meagan Leigh Bridges

    Love the idea of Tyra coming onto the show! And as for James Franco….woo…well, we all know we’d love to see more of him. 😀

  • http://www.facebook.com/shandra Shandra Goldfinger

    As soon as I saw Brett Easton Ellis, I knew Almie wrote this. If I write that I swear I’m not a stalker will that make me seem more like a stalker? We just share a common love of BEE! Add to the list: Goldie Hawn, Lauren Conrad or Lo Bosworth (my favorite reality tv besties), Kristen Bell, Seth Green, Taylor from The Rachel Zoe Project (just so she can talk about how incompetnent everyone on the show is and say I when she should say me), Tori Spelling, and Ramona Singer.

    • Apocalypstick

      Do you…do you just wanna make out? No, no I’m sorry that’s not appropriate…

      I would be so down for Tori Spelling or LUKE PERRY. GOD LUKE PERRY WOULD BE SO GOOD.

    • http://www.facebook.com/shandra Shandra Goldfinger

      Maybe we can just disappear here together.

    • http://www.facebook.com/shandra Shandra Goldfinger

      Crap, that was totally trying too hard. Maybe we can just go to Starbucks or something?

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=636789225 Alycia Lourim

    who do you want to win that is on this current season? im rootin for JR Martinez!

    • Apocalypstick

      Originally I wasn’t ready to get on the JR train because he seemed like such a lock and I like rooting for the underdog, but after last night…sweet sassy molassy. He was AWESOME but what I loved the most was how excited he was. i want him to host Saturday Night Live.

      BUT I really dig Rikki and Derek…Ricki? IDK. That Psycho dance was TOPS. Tops I say.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1346256429 Monique Peña

    This list is awesome, except for James Franco. He is the WORST! He guest stars in General Hospital, not One Life to Live and I hate it. Get off my soap opera James Franco. GET OFF!

    • Apocalypstick

      Okay but what if he did a 217 Hours themed dance? Where his partner is dressed as a boulder and James is in his hiking gear and they link arms the entire time while he screams in pain? Think about it.

    • Apocalypstick

      …I meant 127 Hours. 217 Hours is too much Franco for anyone.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1346256429 Monique Peña

      Ha ha! I suppose I could accept that. So long as it’s only 127 hours and not 217 hours.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1010965461 Samantha Mann

    Oh my goodness, these are all genius, but I esp. love the idea of screaming “WE WERE ROOTING FOR YOU!” when Tyra gets kicked off for being too Tyra.

  • Apocalypstick

    OK I just want to point out that yes, I know Christopher Walken is pretty much a professional dancer and that might be unfair, but then I realized that this is a fantasy and that this will never happen so it doesn’t matter. Carry on!

  • http://www.facebook.com/lizagillis Liz Gillis

    I would watch that show if they put Christopher Walken on.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=3400684 Abby Stern

    I’m also going w/ Shelley Morrison aka Rosario from Will & Grace and Rosa from Troop Beverly Hills

    • Apocalypstick


  • http://www.facebook.com/serenduckity Adri Serrano

    Brett Easton Ellis would think his appearance on DWTS would be post-empire.

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