Apocalypstick's ApocaLIST
Top Ten Signs You’re An Adult
by Almie Rose
As I step into the new year, I realize that I am probably an adult and this terrifies me and also makes me laugh and also makes me watch a lot of Dr. Phil and go to bed early on weekdays. Here are a few hints that you’re an adult, too:
10. All of a sudden everyone is taking about their “401k”. I don’t even know what this is and I have one. Yeah, come at me, I don’t even care – I have business cards, a big stack of them. It seems like everywhere I go, people are saying, “Did you cash in your 401k?” And it seems like everyone is vaguely afraid of touching it, like it’s a sleeping dragon. I just smile and say, “No, I haven’t” because Suze Orman once said you shouldn’t unless you really need to and I trust her because I bet she has lots of business cards.
From the people who brought you Knocked Up and The 40 Year Old Virgin...401Kate! JULY.
9. You have friends who have houses or really nice apartments. By which I mean you no longer see unframed Marilyn Monroe posters barely clinging to the wall with painters tape or mattresses on the floor. You see real furniture. Real artwork. Real glassware! Nary a red plastic cup in sight. Wine goes in actual wine glasses. It’s like you’re visiting someone’s parents. Spooky!
We don't like Merlot.
8. You find your grandparents adorable and your parents hilarious. You’ll start to see posts on friends’ blogs/Tumblrs/Facebook pages praising their family. Pictures of their grandparents with captions like, “Here they are at 20! Aren’t they so cute?? And they’re still ~~together~~.” They’ll tweet things like, “LOL LOOK WHAT MY MOM DID.”
Btw LOL LOOK WHAT MY MOM DID. She wrapped all my Christmas gifts in Justin Bieber wrapping paper.
And it’s great! You’re reaching an age where you relate more to your parents and no longer feel the need to rebel against them. They do their thing, you do yours, and all is well.
7. You’re freaking tired. “You know I work all day, to get you money, to buy you things” sang the Beatles. And how. You have a hard day’s night! You work like a dog and it is time for some hardcore log sleeping. After a long day, you just want to go home and shove the closest edible thing into your mouth and watch whatever is on Netflix instant. And on weekends, you try to psych yourself up to go out at night but then you realize you are just so damn tired and Netflix instant sounds awesome. And there’s all that driving and like, having to wear pants.
Merlot.
6. Your health is suddenly a big deal. In the past when I got sick I’d think, “YEAH, NO SCHOOL TODAY!!! MOM’S GONNA MAKE ME MAC AND CHEESE, YEAAAAHHHH!” Now I think, “Oh, this is just great, now I’m going to get really behind in work.” Also, when you’re older you want to go to the doctor. You wanna get right the eff to the doctor and have them test you for everything and give you vitamin shots and all sorts of wonderful medicines. And new ailments pop up. One day I woke up and my knees ached for no reason. I went to the doctor and got an X-ray and was told, “Your kneecaps are slightly off-center. It’s common for a lot of women.” “…What??? So what do I do?” “I’ll write you a prescription for muscle relaxers and give you a number for physical therapy.” “…to do what? Like, squats?” “Well, squats and…other…strength exercises.” And that’s it, those are my options. And no one is freaked out over this. Everyone’s like, “Yeah, that’s gonna happen.”
Oh. Okay.
5. Christmas is just kind of like, whatever. If you celebrate Christmas, you’ll remember that when you were a kid, there was nothing better than Christmas. You couldn’t sleep the night before and you’d wake up at dawn and for that entire day you were invincible. But now holidays don’t have the exact same feeling. Now they mean, “I get one day off of work” and “I have no money to buy things for anyone.” Also, Thanksgiving really stepped it up and you realize it might be the best Holiday of all. A day about eating? Thanks, bro.
Hope the kids like the dry cleaner bags I got them.
4. You don’t care if you are totally uncool. You have no problem telling people that Ke$ha’s ‘Tik Tok’ is one of the best pop songs ever written. You proudly wear your 2001 Britney tour tee. You watch movies that are for a demographic 10 years younger than yours. You don’t give a monkey what people think about your tastes. You have no idea what the hot new bands are and you just don’t care. You don’t have the energy to follow trends or to pretend to be cool. And this. Is. Awesome.
"And we don't care about the young folks!" is a joke we would make if we knew this song.
3. Younger people have no idea who the Spice Girls are. No, seriously, this happened to me. I dressed as Ginger Spice for Halloween and posted a picture on my Facebook and someone commented, “I don’t get it.” I explained, you know, Spice Girls! And he said, “Oh. Whooosh. Right over my head. I dunno.” And no lies no fries, I got annoyed. And then sad. And then hungry.
And then this.
2. You root for the adults in kids movies. I love Home Alone (actually I love Home Alone 2: Lost in New York more) but dude, Kevin was ANNOYING. How did his parents not ship his ass to military school? Who the hell does he think he is anyway? You kind of see Uncle Frank’s point when he says, “Look what you did, you little jerk.”
Is it really so hard to take the pepperoni off of the pizza, Kevin?
1. You have no idea what you’re doing. But you’re hoping it’s all gonna work out.
I GOT MY DEGREE IN PLAYWRITING, I HAVE NO FUTURE, LOL.
Images: Shutterstock 10, Shutterstock 9, My Instagram, Shutterstock 7, Shutterstock 6, Shutterstock 5, Shutterstock 4, Shutterstock 3, Shutterstock 2, Shutterstock 1.
See more posts from Almie
12.30.2011 |
SUBSCRIBE
COMMENTS
please help us maintain positive conversations by refraining from posting spam, advertisements, and links to other websites or blogs. we reserve the right to remove your comment if it does not adhere to these guidelines. thanks! post a comment.
i’m old!
Ohh yeah. Christmas is now lame and I spend it drinking and avoiding my mother in law.
I love your captions. Totes McGotes.
Avoiding Mother-In-Law…..AMEN TO THAT! It’s always a crazy, migraine-inducing, loopy experience. And I have quite enough drama in my life as it is. lol!
Wow. You hit the nail on the head. My friend and I were just talking about at least half of these this week. We’re old now.
Love it.
wow that would suck! remind me never to do any of these things!^^^^^
Yeah. I bought a bottle of champagne for New Year’s, but have no intentions of staying up late to drink it. I’m going to wait for the kids to go to bed, find something fun on Netflix Instant, and open the bottle. The best part: I don’t have to get dressed up, be around a ton of people I don’t like, and the bottle is all mine.
And did I mention I get to rock my pajama pants?
This article is PERFECT! Every part and I was like yes! YES! That is SO RIGHT! And the funniest part was I was watching Home Alone with my hubby on Christmas Eve and I turned to him and said: “Babe, ya know, I kind of agree with the adults, Kevin IS a bit of a baby….I totally never noticed before…weird.” and he said: “Huh, yeah, me too.” then when I saw that part on here I literally fell off the couch laughing!
AWESOME.
so true.
You took the words right out of my mouth..
=D
Story of my LIFE. #9 & 6 were the two big signs that made me go, “Oh, CRAP, I’m totally an adult now.”
So true.
Time seems to be going by faster too.
AH this is far too relevant to my life right now.
‘no lies no fries’ = my new catch phrase for 2012.
But really, wonderfully written article. I think I may be old.
Dude, I AM tired. All the time. And, the highlight of tonight is totally Netflix Instant! And you know what? I don’t even care!
i have real furniture and wine glasses, BUT my mattress is still on the floor. i love new bands but my joints are constantly cracking and popping. i’m definitely tired and netflix is the best thing ever. my final verdict: i’m 75% old, and at least for the next month and a half before 30, i’m 25% slightly less old
Totally embracing my inner old!!
AHHH the peperoni! seriously. not that hard!!
I freaked out so much when my friend’s neice told me she didn’t know who the Spice Girls are. Then I went straight out, got a copy of SpiceWorld, strapped her down, and made her watch it repeatedly until she could tell me allllllll about them! Excessive… maybe… Necessary… totally.
And that was officially my very first “Oh My God…. I’m OLD!” moment.
number 7 is so very true.
This is all so true! I’m an adult O_O I’m not sure if this is traumatizing or liberating just yet!
I thought I wasn’t quite there. Then I read number 7:
“And there’s all that driving and like, having to wear pants.”
Yep…
all so true.
8 /10 of these things are true for me and I’m not even 17 yet :’) lool
#7 = YES. If I can go a whole Saturday without pants, I consider that a success story.
One time a someone I know posted “There is no Dana, only Zuul” on his facebook and some kid asked him if it was a Zoolander reference.
WHAT
EVEN
GIVESSSSSSSSSS
I’ve posted that same quote and gotten similar comments
#5 How you can tell you are REALLY REALLY wayyyyyyyyyyy old is if you bust your ass all month trying to make Christmas as magical as it was when you were a kid- for YOUR kid, so they can grow up and remember how magical Christmas was when they were a kid, and then bust THEIR kid, and so on, and so on.
I MEAN BUST THEIR ASS FOR THEIR KID NOT BUST THEIR KID LOL OH GOD
I am not condoning any form of child abuse.
I totally experienced #3, except replace Spice Girls with Hanson. Sad day.
I’m overwhelmed by the positive response! Thank you so much everyone. xox.
oh my god. YES.
This is all fact.
so, so true. And JUST the other day watching Home Alone I said to my sister, ‘isn’t it weird, we can actually relate more to Kevin’s parents now…’ And she agreed. Horrifying.
im about to turn 20 in a few months and move into my first apartment with my two best friends this august and i have no idea whats coming after college. so, i agree with almost all of this… i have no idea what im doing or where im going, but i hope it all works out.
Nice list, but I think another one ought to be in there, it’s when you find yourself saying, ‘when I was your age, we had one phone and it stayed in the hall’ or, ‘when I was your age, we only had 3 tv channels.’ and thinking that you sound just like your parents used to. And of course, the perennial, how old were you when Star Wars came out (the original first one). Nowadays, too many are saying ‘I wasn’t even born then’