Apocalypstick's ApocaLIST Top Ten Signs You're An Adult Almie Rose

As I step into the new year, I realize that I am probably an adult and this terrifies me and also makes me laugh and also makes me watch a lot of Dr. Phil and go to bed early on weekdays. Here are a few hints that you’re an adult, too:

10. All of a sudden everyone is taking about their “401k”. I don’t even know what this is and I have one. Yeah, come at me, I don’t even care – I have business cards, a big stack of them. It seems like everywhere I go, people are saying, “Did you cash in your 401k?” And it seems like everyone is vaguely afraid of touching it, like it’s a sleeping dragon. I just smile and say, “No, I haven’t” because Suze Orman once said you shouldn’t unless you really need to and I trust her because I bet she has lots of business cards.

From the people who brought you Knocked Up and The 40 Year Old Virgin…401Kate! JULY.

 

9. You have friends who have houses or really nice apartments. By which I mean you no longer see unframed Marilyn Monroe posters barely clinging to the wall with painters tape or mattresses on the floor. You see real furniture. Real artwork. Real glassware! Nary a red plastic cup in sight. Wine goes in actual wine glasses. It’s like you’re visiting someone’s parents. Spooky!

We don’t like Merlot.

 

8. You find your grandparents adorable and your parents hilarious. You’ll start to see posts on friends’ blogs/Tumblrs/Facebook pages praising their family. Pictures of their grandparents with captions like, “Here they are at 20! Aren’t they so cute?? And they’re still ~~together~~.” They’ll tweet things like, “LOL LOOK WHAT MY MOM DID.”

Btw LOL LOOK WHAT MY MOM DID. She wrapped all my Christmas gifts in Justin Bieber wrapping paper.

And it’s great! You’re reaching an age where you relate more to your parents and no longer feel the need to rebel against them. They do their thing, you do yours, and all is well.

7. You’re freaking tired. “You know I work all day, to get you money, to buy you things” sang the Beatles. And how. You have a hard day’s night! You work like a dog and it is time for some hardcore log sleeping. After a long day, you just want to go home and shove the closest edible thing into your mouth and watch whatever is on Netflix instant. And on weekends, you try to psych yourself up to go out at night but then you realize you are just so damn tired and Netflix instant sounds awesome. And there’s all that driving and like, having to wear pants.

Merlot.

6. Your health is suddenly a big deal. In the past when I got sick I’d think, “YEAH, NO SCHOOL TODAY!!! MOM’S GONNA MAKE ME MAC AND CHEESE, YEAAAAHHHH!” Now I think, “Oh, this is just great, now I’m going to get really behind in work.” Also, when you’re older you want to go to the doctor. You wanna get right the eff to the doctor and have them test you for everything and give you vitamin shots and all sorts of wonderful medicines. And new ailments pop up. One day I woke up and my knees ached for no reason. I went to the doctor and got an X-ray and was told, “Your kneecaps are slightly off-center. It’s common for a lot of women.” “…What??? So what do I do?” “I’ll write you a prescription for muscle relaxers and give you a number for physical therapy.” “…to do what? Like, squats?” “Well, squats and…other…strength exercises.” And that’s it, those are my options. And no one is freaked out over this. Everyone’s like, “Yeah, that’s gonna happen.”

Oh. Okay.

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  1. Nice list, but I think another one ought to be in there, it’s when you find yourself saying, ‘when I was your age, we had one phone and it stayed in the hall’ or, ‘when I was your age, we only had 3 tv channels.’ and thinking that you sound just like your parents used to. And of course, the perennial, how old were you when Star Wars came out (the original first one). Nowadays, too many are saying ‘I wasn’t even born then’ :(

  2. im about to turn 20 in a few months and move into my first apartment with my two best friends this august and i have no idea whats coming after college. so, i agree with almost all of this… i have no idea what im doing or where im going, but i hope it all works out.

  3. so, so true. And JUST the other day watching Home Alone I said to my sister, ‘isn’t it weird, we can actually relate more to Kevin’s parents now…’ And she agreed. Horrifying.

  4. This is all fact.

    Becca Sands | 1/04/2012 11:01 am
  5. oh my god. YES.

  6. I’m overwhelmed by the positive response! Thank you so much everyone. xox.

    Apocalypstick | 1/03/2012 10:01 am
  7. I totally experienced #3, except replace Spice Girls with Hanson. Sad day.

  8. #5 How you can tell you are REALLY REALLY wayyyyyyyyyyy old is if you bust your ass all month trying to make Christmas as magical as it was when you were a kid- for YOUR kid, so they can grow up and remember how magical Christmas was when they were a kid, and then bust THEIR kid, and so on, and so on.

  9. One time a someone I know posted “There is no Dana, only Zuul” on his facebook and some kid asked him if it was a Zoolander reference.

    WHAT

    EVEN

    GIVESSSSSSSSSS

  10. #7 = YES. If I can go a whole Saturday without pants, I consider that a success story.

  11. 8 /10 of these things are true for me and I’m not even 17 yet :’) lool

  12. all so true.

  13. I thought I wasn’t quite there. Then I read number 7:
    “And there’s all that driving and like, having to wear pants.”

    Yep…

  14. This is all so true! I’m an adult O_O I’m not sure if this is traumatizing or liberating just yet!

  15. number 7 is so very true.

  16. I freaked out so much when my friend’s neice told me she didn’t know who the Spice Girls are. Then I went straight out, got a copy of SpiceWorld, strapped her down, and made her watch it repeatedly until she could tell me allllllll about them! Excessive… maybe… Necessary… totally.
    And that was officially my very first “Oh My God…. I’m OLD!” moment.

  17. AHHH the peperoni! seriously. not that hard!!

  18. Totally embracing my inner old!!

  19. i have real furniture and wine glasses, BUT my mattress is still on the floor. i love new bands but my joints are constantly cracking and popping. i’m definitely tired and netflix is the best thing ever. my final verdict: i’m 75% old, and at least for the next month and a half before 30, i’m 25% slightly less old

  20. Dude, I AM tired. All the time. And, the highlight of tonight is totally Netflix Instant! And you know what? I don’t even care!

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