Apocalypstick's ApocaLIST

Top Ten Signs You're An Adult

As I step into the new year, I realize that I am probably an adult and this terrifies me and also makes me laugh and also makes me watch a lot of Dr. Phil and go to bed early on weekdays. Here are a few hints that you’re an adult, too:

10. All of a sudden everyone is taking about their “401k”. I don’t even know what this is and I have one. Yeah, come at me, I don’t even care – I have business cards, a big stack of them. It seems like everywhere I go, people are saying, “Did you cash in your 401k?” And it seems like everyone is vaguely afraid of touching it, like it’s a sleeping dragon. I just smile and say, “No, I haven’t” because Suze Orman once said you shouldn’t unless you really need to and I trust her because I bet she has lots of business cards.

From the people who brought you Knocked Up and The 40 Year Old Virgin…401Kate! JULY.


9. You have friends who have houses or really nice apartments. By which I mean you no longer see unframed Marilyn Monroe posters barely clinging to the wall with painters tape or mattresses on the floor. You see real furniture. Real artwork. Real glassware! Nary a red plastic cup in sight. Wine goes in actual wine glasses. It’s like you’re visiting someone’s parents. Spooky!

We don’t like Merlot.


8. You find your grandparents adorable and your parents hilarious. You’ll start to see posts on friends’ blogs/Tumblrs/Facebook pages praising their family. Pictures of their grandparents with captions like, “Here they are at 20! Aren’t they so cute?? And they’re still ~~together~~.” They’ll tweet things like, “LOL LOOK WHAT MY MOM DID.”

Btw LOL LOOK WHAT MY MOM DID. She wrapped all my Christmas gifts in Justin Bieber wrapping paper.

And it’s great! You’re reaching an age where you relate more to your parents and no longer feel the need to rebel against them. They do their thing, you do yours, and all is well.

7. You’re freaking tired. “You know I work all day, to get you money, to buy you things” sang the Beatles. And how. You have a hard day’s night! You work like a dog and it is time for some hardcore log sleeping. After a long day, you just want to go home and shove the closest edible thing into your mouth and watch whatever is on Netflix instant. And on weekends, you try to psych yourself up to go out at night but then you realize you are just so damn tired and Netflix instant sounds awesome. And there’s all that driving and like, having to wear pants.


6. Your health is suddenly a big deal. In the past when I got sick I’d think, “YEAH, NO SCHOOL TODAY!!! MOM’S GONNA MAKE ME MAC AND CHEESE, YEAAAAHHHH!” Now I think, “Oh, this is just great, now I’m going to get really behind in work.” Also, when you’re older you want to go to the doctor. You wanna get right the eff to the doctor and have them test you for everything and give you vitamin shots and all sorts of wonderful medicines. And new ailments pop up. One day I woke up and my knees ached for no reason. I went to the doctor and got an X-ray and was told, “Your kneecaps are slightly off-center. It’s common for a lot of women.” “…What??? So what do I do?” “I’ll write you a prescription for muscle relaxers and give you a number for physical therapy.” “…to do what? Like, squats?” “Well, squats and…other…strength exercises.” And that’s it, those are my options. And no one is freaked out over this. Everyone’s like, “Yeah, that’s gonna happen.”

Oh. Okay.

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