Apocalypstick's ApocaLIST

Top Ten Signs You're An Adult

As I step into the new year, I realize that I am probably an adult and this terrifies me and also makes me laugh and also makes me watch a lot of Dr. Phil and go to bed early on weekdays. Here are a few hints that you’re an adult, too:

10. All of a sudden everyone is taking about their “401k”. I don’t even know what this is and I have one. Yeah, come at me, I don’t even care – I have business cards, a big stack of them. It seems like everywhere I go, people are saying, “Did you cash in your 401k?” And it seems like everyone is vaguely afraid of touching it, like it’s a sleeping dragon. I just smile and say, “No, I haven’t” because Suze Orman once said you shouldn’t unless you really need to and I trust her because I bet she has lots of business cards.

From the people who brought you Knocked Up and The 40 Year Old Virgin…401Kate! JULY.


9. You have friends who have houses or really nice apartments. By which I mean you no longer see unframed Marilyn Monroe posters barely clinging to the wall with painters tape or mattresses on the floor. You see real furniture. Real artwork. Real glassware! Nary a red plastic cup in sight. Wine goes in actual wine glasses. It’s like you’re visiting someone’s parents. Spooky!

We don’t like Merlot.


8. You find your grandparents adorable and your parents hilarious. You’ll start to see posts on friends’ blogs/Tumblrs/Facebook pages praising their family. Pictures of their grandparents with captions like, “Here they are at 20! Aren’t they so cute?? And they’re still ~~together~~.” They’ll tweet things like, “LOL LOOK WHAT MY MOM DID.”

Btw LOL LOOK WHAT MY MOM DID. She wrapped all my Christmas gifts in Justin Bieber wrapping paper.

And it’s great! You’re reaching an age where you relate more to your parents and no longer feel the need to rebel against them. They do their thing, you do yours, and all is well.

7. You’re freaking tired. “You know I work all day, to get you money, to buy you things” sang the Beatles. And how. You have a hard day’s night! You work like a dog and it is time for some hardcore log sleeping. After a long day, you just want to go home and shove the closest edible thing into your mouth and watch whatever is on Netflix instant. And on weekends, you try to psych yourself up to go out at night but then you realize you are just so damn tired and Netflix instant sounds awesome. And there’s all that driving and like, having to wear pants.


6. Your health is suddenly a big deal. In the past when I got sick I’d think, “YEAH, NO SCHOOL TODAY!!! MOM’S GONNA MAKE ME MAC AND CHEESE, YEAAAAHHHH!” Now I think, “Oh, this is just great, now I’m going to get really behind in work.” Also, when you’re older you want to go to the doctor. You wanna get right the eff to the doctor and have them test you for everything and give you vitamin shots and all sorts of wonderful medicines. And new ailments pop up. One day I woke up and my knees ached for no reason. I went to the doctor and got an X-ray and was told, “Your kneecaps are slightly off-center. It’s common for a lot of women.” “…What??? So what do I do?” “I’ll write you a prescription for muscle relaxers and give you a number for physical therapy.” “…to do what? Like, squats?” “Well, squats and…other…strength exercises.” And that’s it, those are my options. And no one is freaked out over this. Everyone’s like, “Yeah, that’s gonna happen.”

Oh. Okay.

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  • http://www.facebook.com/milipasino Mili Pasino

    i’m old!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1310361048 Penelope Dawn

    Ohh yeah. Christmas is now lame and I spend it drinking and avoiding my mother in law.

    I love your captions. Totes McGotes.

    • http://www.facebook.com/ashley.lynn.cook Ashley Lynn Cook

      Avoiding Mother-In-Law…..AMEN TO THAT! It’s always a crazy, migraine-inducing, loopy experience. And I have quite enough drama in my life as it is. lol!

  • http://www.facebook.com/katrinambarnett Katrina Barnett

    Wow. You hit the nail on the head. My friend and I were just talking about at least half of these this week. We’re old now.

  • http://www.facebook.com/loridargis Lori Dargis

    Love it.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1009754258 Jordan C Baker

    wow that would suck! remind me never to do any of these things!^^^^^ 😛

  • http://www.facebook.com/TashaCollinsMartin Tasha Collins Martin

    Yeah. I bought a bottle of champagne for New Year’s, but have no intentions of staying up late to drink it. I’m going to wait for the kids to go to bed, find something fun on Netflix Instant, and open the bottle. The best part: I don’t have to get dressed up, be around a ton of people I don’t like, and the bottle is all mine.

    And did I mention I get to rock my pajama pants?

  • http://www.facebook.com/ashley.lynn.cook Ashley Lynn Cook

    This article is PERFECT! Every part and I was like yes! YES! That is SO RIGHT! And the funniest part was I was watching Home Alone with my hubby on Christmas Eve and I turned to him and said: “Babe, ya know, I kind of agree with the adults, Kevin IS a bit of a baby….I totally never noticed before…weird.” and he said: “Huh, yeah, me too.” then when I saw that part on here I literally fell off the couch laughing! 😀

    • Apocalypstick


  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=94805586 Erin Bonang

    so true.

  • http://www.facebook.com/rocafort Kristina Rocafort

    You took the words right out of my mouth..


  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1010965461 Samantha Mann

    Story of my LIFE. #9 & 6 were the two big signs that made me go, “Oh, CRAP, I’m totally an adult now.”

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000575577744 Roberta de Sousa

    So true.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000575577744 Roberta de Sousa

      Time seems to be going by faster too.

  • http://www.facebook.com/shragger Rebecca Shragge

    AH this is far too relevant to my life right now.

  • http://www.facebook.com/modestjune Amber Schmidt

    ‘no lies no fries’ = my new catch phrase for 2012.
    But really, wonderfully written article. I think I may be old.

  • http://www.facebook.com/liz.haebe Liz Haebe

    Dude, I AM tired. All the time. And, the highlight of tonight is totally Netflix Instant! And you know what? I don’t even care!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=841032765 Erica Malloy

    i have real furniture and wine glasses, BUT my mattress is still on the floor. i love new bands but my joints are constantly cracking and popping. i’m definitely tired and netflix is the best thing ever. my final verdict: i’m 75% old, and at least for the next month and a half before 30, i’m 25% slightly less old

  • http://www.facebook.com/leah.moran Leah Moran

    Totally embracing my inner old!!

  • http://www.facebook.com/jennylouise13 Jennifer Louise O’Neill

    AHHH the peperoni! seriously. not that hard!!

  • http://www.facebook.com/majenta Majenta Ritchie

    I freaked out so much when my friend’s neice told me she didn’t know who the Spice Girls are. Then I went straight out, got a copy of SpiceWorld, strapped her down, and made her watch it repeatedly until she could tell me allllllll about them! Excessive… maybe… Necessary… totally.
    And that was officially my very first “Oh My God…. I’m OLD!” moment.

  • http://www.facebook.com/mrszemog Mariely Gomez

    number 7 is so very true.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1753225996 Haylee K. Burns

    This is all so true! I’m an adult O_O I’m not sure if this is traumatizing or liberating just yet!

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