Apocalypstick's ApocaLIST Top Ten Roles Nicolas Cage Should Have Played Almie Rose

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10. Everything Daniel Day-Lewis does. Why does Daniel Day-Lewis get all the great shouting roles? Don’t people know that Nicolas Cage can shout, too? Don’t they know that Nicolas Cage can shout really well?

9. The Winklevoss Twins, The Social Network originally portrayed by Armie Hammer. “WE INVENTED THE FACEBOOK. WE INVENTED IT!” he’d scream, and then throw a chair. “MR. HARVARD PRESIDENT, WE INVENTED THE FACEBOOK DOT COM.” He would make up his own lines. He doesn’t care, he knows it’s not even about the Facebook, it’s about THE EMOTION. By the way, why did they need one guy to play two guys? Are you telling me they really couldn’t find twins to play the historical, epic, revered role of the guys who sued the guy who made Facebook? Did they just feel like spending money? Did someone say, “You know, we can cast two people for this,” and someone else said, “Naw, I got this new software, I wanna ‘Parent Trap‘ it.” Anyway, two Cages are better than one! Adaptiation proved that.

8. Aron Ralston, 127 Hours, originally portrayed by James Franco. If Cage starred in this you would have to call it 527 Hours because that’s how much time I would take out of my life to watch Nicolas Cage trapped behind a boulder. I can’t even imagine the drama, the comedy, the joy, the pain, the EVERYTHING that would go into this performance. And he already played a dude who lost a hand when he was in Moonstruck (that’s the movie where Cher has curly hair and slaps him and says, “Snap outta it!” and everyone laughs and it’s just like being at the Olive Garden!) so he’s totally got character experience.

7. Richard Nixon, Frost/Nixon, originally portrayed by Frank Langella. Why do I feel like all Nicolas Cage interviews are actually lost footage of Richard Nixon interviews? Is it the furrowed brow? The menacing voice? Could you not see Richard Nixon in Knowing? LOL, just kidding, no one saw Knowing!

6. Harry, When Harry Met Sally, originally portrayed by Billy Crystal. All you need to do is read this classic WHMS quote in capital letters and it’s Cage time: “I LOVE THAT YOU GET COLD WHEN IT’S 71 DEGREES OUT. I LOVE THAT IT TAKES YOU AN HOUR AND A HALF TO ORDER A SANDWICH. I LOVE THAT YOU GET A LITTLE CRINKLE ABOVE YOUR NOSE WHEN YOU’RE LOOKING AT ME LIKE I’M NUTS. I CAME HERE TONIGHT BECAUSE WHEN YOU REALIZE YOU WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH SOMEBODY, YOU WANT. THE REST. OF YOUR LIFE TO START. AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!!! AAARRGGHHHHHHH!!!!

5. Queen Elizabeth, The Queen, originally portrayed by Helen Mirren. If you squint really hard (also it helps to be semi-conscious), you can see a resemblance between The Queen and Nicolas Cage. Something about the eyes. Those haunted, angry, powerful eyes. They have a lot in common. Both are superstars, both are widely maligned, and both carry handguns in their handbags. “I’M THE @#$%ING QUEEN!” he’d shout, before punching some dude in the face and then stealing a treasure map. You know you can picture it.

4. Chuck Noland, Castaway, originally portrayed by Tom Hanks. We’ve seen how great Nicolas Cage is at ranting to himself, he deserves a volleyball this time! Let’s be real, he probably has his own secret island where he runs around in a loin cloth while trying to take his teeth out with an ice skate. It’s almost cruel of us not to let him play the role he was born to play. For the plane crash scene ALONE we missed out on some epic Cage screaming, my friends.

3. Dan Gallagher, originally portrayed by Michael Douglas, Fatal Attraction.. This would be the biggest crazyfest of all time! Who would we root for?? The crazy rabbit-murdering psychopath, or Glenn Close??

2. Batman, The Dark Knight, originally portrayed by Christian Bale. I’m sure we would be treated to a very angry Cage’d Batman pouring bees in someones’ eyes while shouting, “I LOST MY #$%@ING PARENTS, ***HOLE! OBEY THE LAW!”
1. King George VI, The King’s Speech, originally portrayed by Colin Firth. I have nothing more to say.
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  1. This is so good. What is that video?! Come on, Nic. Also, this is a montage of his best acting moments. I can’t get enough. http://youtu.be/xP1-oquwoL8

  2. I highly recommend all Nic Cage screaming fans check out this video of him saying his ABC’s from Vampire’s Kiss (e.g. best Nic Cage role ever): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WLrALs-Nq_I

  3. Yes, it was sort of like that magnificent movie “Face/Off.” Another reason Nicolas Cage should have gotten the role.

  4. Wait, they put the other guy’s FACE on the other guy’s body?! Whoa.
    I totally intended to write something about this magnificent list, but am flabbergasted by this information.

  5. This is brilliant Almie.

  6. Amazing!!

    But one thing, the Winklevoss twins were portrayed by Armie Hammer and Josh Pence. And they only used Josh Pence’s body for one of the twins and used movie magic to put Armie’s face on both of the twins. I noticed the error, not because I’m a “Social Network” nerd, but because I went to high school with Armie. I don’t know if that’s a good reason for me to be an a-hole and point out something meaningless, but I’m sticking with that excuse. :)

    • AH, I got them confused! I meant to say Armie instead of the other one. The other one doesn’t even count, really. Still, what a waste of money! OH THOSE TRICKY WINKLEVI! Thanks!

  7. I love you. Let’s have babies.

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