If you’ve ever seen Tom Hanks in Cast Away then you already know the downside to being stranded on a deserted island: missing Christmas dinner, knocking out your own infected tooth with a rock and no Yogurtland, just to name a few. But this is about seeing the glass as half full. If I found myself all alone on a tropical island, how would I make the best of it?
Here’s some reasons I’ve come up with:
1. Great year-round tan
Goodbye instant tanning creams. No longer would I have to worry about uneven application only to discover too late that my legs are streaked in an orange-y pattern and the palms of my hands look like a genetic experiment gone wrong.
2. No alarm clock needed
Ah…the luxury of being able to sleep in everyday. Why rush to wake up? There’s no place I need to be. It’s not like the stores are going to close, I need to punch that time clock or I have to get to the gym before it gets crowded. Which leads me to my next great reason…
3. My legs would look amazing
I’d finally develop killer-looking calves from walking in the sand everyday. And without the muscle cramps I usually get from overdoing it on the calf raise machine at the gym. An added plus to all this barefoot beach walking is that my feet would be super smooth. It would be like walking on a giant pumice stone all day long.
4. A healthy diet of fish and coconut water
Fresh fish would provide more Omega-3’s than I could ever want. This could help protect my skin from wrinkling before its time from the year-round tan I’d be sporting. And, seriously, who doesn’t like coconut water? Especially when you’re sipping it straight from the coconut. The only thing missing is the tiny umbrella sticking out of it. But with all my spare time and Girl Scout skills, I’m sure I could figure out how to fashion one out of small leaves and a twig.
Plus, I would finally kick my habit of Twix candy bars and cappuccino swirl ice cream. A no-brainer considering I doubt remote islands come equipped with a freezer or a 7-Eleven.
5. My tree climbing skills would be stellar
How else am I going to get my coconut cocktails? It’s not as easy as grabbing them off the shelf at Whole Foods but it would be more fun. If the Olympics ever consider adding tree climbing to the world games as a sport, I’d be a shoe-in for the gold medal. Then I’d finally get my picture on a box of cereal, which would be pretty cool.
6. I could talk to myself without anyone thinking I’m weird
I would definitely need someone to talk to. Lucky for me I’m a good listener. But for variety’s sake I’d want to talk to someone else other than myself, like Tom Hanks did with Wilson. So I’d probably grab a few of those invaluable coconuts and make some smiley faces on them. This way I could have a whole clique of friends to chat with. If I can find one with longer strands of coconut hair on it, I’d make it look like one of my best friends. But to really pull that off I’d probably need to scrounge up some other island items, like blush and a good lip balm. It would totally be worth it. Oh, the great conversations we could have.
7. I’d have natural blonde highlights from the sun
So many people think the sun is bad for you. But seriously, this beautiful ball of hot gas has already improved my island experience by giving me a perfect tan and tropical weather. Now another wonderful reason. I wouldn’t have to visit the salon anymore since I’d be getting FREE natural highlights. Quite a savings. Another amazing plus is that my new growth would be touched up daily as I exfoliated my bare feet walking across the sunny beach to fetch a coconut or two. See how nicely this island living is all coming together?
8. I wouldn’t care if I had a bad hair day
Hey, there’s practically no such thing when I have freshly highlighted hair. But on the rare occasion I did have a bad hair day, who would care? I’m pretty sure I would’ve learned how to weave myself a hat out of palm fronds by then, so I could just do the whole Hollywood thing and spend the day under a big hat and sunglasses.
9. Bad phone reception
Yes, this could be a plus. Especially when I’m dodging that phone call from my nosy great aunt who constantly airs her disapproval of my choice for living with my boyfriend and “giving away the milk for free.” The downside of bad phone reception is no Peggle updates.
10. I wouldn’t have to shave my legs
And the best reason for being stranded on a deserted island:
11. I’d be living the dream
We’ve all seen posters of beautiful tropical getaways hanging up in the travel agent’s office: sunny blue skies, remote beaches, warm breezes. You want to go there don’t you? Of course you do!
But before I know it, my private oasis would be discovered. It would be quickly inundated with seasonal tourists leaving empty beer bottles on my pristine beach and dropping big bucks to stay in the Hilton high-rise on the other side of the island. I guess I can’t blame them. We all want to escape from our reality at least for a little while, so we can renew ourselves and our sanity. What better place to do this than on my remote island?
Okay, you can stay. Just remember, my coconut friends and I were here first.
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