I love karaoke. It’s a well known fact that Uncle Almie needs karaoke to function. I’ve learned a lot about karaoke. And I’m here to help you. I don’t want you to make a karaoke faux pax by singing something that is groan worthy. But please note: if you’re doing karaoke in a private room with your friends, by all means, sing whatever the hell you want. This is a guide to singing stage karaoke.
Step 1: don't be this guy.
There are three basic rules: don’t sing something over 4 minutes, don’t sing something sad and don’t sing something done to death. Like these:
10. “Thriller”
Honor their memory. Don't sing Thriller.
As soon as this song starts, everyone who is not in your group groans. My friend Max, karaoke expert, agrees that this is the worst possible choice. And his dad directed the freaking video. This song is just way too long. If you’re going to pick this, at least be in a group and have the dance down. That’s the only way you can compensate.
9. “Poker Face”
This is not Lady Gaga, and if that shocks or disturbs you, then I'm sorry.
We’re done with this, okay? Lady Gaga is very fun to sing at karaoke. I’m in support of any Gaga song post 2008. We’re better than this. It’s a big, bright world out there.
8. “Imagine”
What color is your sadness?
There is no greater buzzkill in the world than “Imagine” at karaoke. When the first few notes of that midi-ized piano play, it’s basically announcing, “Cigarette and bathroom break, everyone!” It’s especially jarring if the songs before were from Ke$ha, Bon Jovi and Britney and then you get up and make everyone think about peace and understanding in a slow tempo. I want to down vodka and eat buffalo wings and get myself pumped for when I get up there and tear the stage apart. I don’t want to imagine there’s no heaven. It’s not easy and I’m not going to try.
Which brings me to this:
7. “Hey Jude”
Good Guy McCartney. Pass it around.
I love The Beatles. Obviously. But this poor song needs to be retired from karaoke. Again, it’s way too long. They sing “na na na nananana, nananana hey Jude” for like six hours. And when you sing a song like this, it’s the kind of song that really takes off with audience participation: singing the chorus together and waving your arms back and forth in the air. And not every crowd is going to get into it. And it’s not a fast enough song where you can dance it off. It’s too repetitive for a live crowd. Unless of course you’re Paul McCartney. Then the audience will cry and hyperventilate and have your parents threaten to take you home if you can’t get yourself together. That’s probably just me though.
6. “Total Eclipse of the Heat”
However if you're dressed like this and smash a guitar then it's totally okay.
It’s simple: it’s too long, it’s overdone and it has some high notes that people are just not prepared to sing. You don’t have to be an awesome singer at karaoke, you really don’t. That isn’t the point. But if a singer has a specific tone to their voice like Bonnie Tyler who growls and “really blows on those high notes, dawg” (Randy Jackson) don’t try it. It’s cringe-worthy.
Similarly:
5. “All By Myself”
It was then he realized that even though Mabel would never call him again, he would always cherish their bittersweet time together.
At least “Total Eclipse of the Heart” builds to a fun ’80s rock song. But when you reach that high note in this song (“AAAAANYYMOOOOOOOREEEEEEE”) and you screech it, everyone will hate you. It’s also cliche. I’ve been to bars where it’s girls’ night and someone just broke up with their boyfriend and she’s wearing a tiara and someone is pressuring her saying, “Stacey OMG, just let it out girl, just get up there and let it out” and they’re pretending they’re doing it for the sake of irony, but they’re serious, and Stacey gets up there with a bottle of beer and her sad tiara and she starts singing with abandon and is on the border of tears and sounds like a cat fighting a baby.
4. “Don’t Stop Believin’”
Street lights. People. Aaaaaaahhhh.
There is an exception this this, and that exception is if it is later in the night and everyone is drunk and in a good mood and it hasn’t been sung already and you can slay it. The main issue with this song and karaoke is that it is one of the most popular karaoke songs of all time and you could hear it multiple times a night. And then the worst thing of all happens — you stop believin’.
3. “Lose Yourself”
Don't mess with a guy from the mean streets of Malibu.
Eminem doesn’t really translate in karaoke. The whole angry “YOU’VE ONLY GOT ONE SHOT DO NOT MISS YOUR CHANCE TO BLOW” quickly turns into a breathless, rushed, “You’veonly got oneshot DO NOT missrsssshanceblow.” I can’t really explain the sadness that comes with watching Joe McHoodie shuffling back and forth throwing out signs with his hands while trying to keep up with the lyrics.
2. “My Heart Will Go On”
Heart. Probably not still going on though.
There’s been a surge of 90′s nostalgia lately — almost too much — so I understand the desire to bust out a 90′s classic, but this isn’t the one, friend. This needs like 20 more years before we can bring it back. We’re all adults here. Let’s be reasonable.
1. “Bohemian Rhapsody”
Guy guy Freddie.
Way. Too. Long. Especially if you go up by yourself. Who does that? A surprising amount of people. If you’re going to do this song you should invite every single person there to come up with you on stage. Otherwise it’s punishment. I don’t want to see your bachelor or bachelorette party standing up there shouting, “SCARAMOSSH SCARARSSHSMM CAN YOU DO THE FANDAAAANGOOOO” I don’t want to exaggerate but anyone who does this deserves to be beaten to death by the ghost of Freddie Mercury.
What do you think?
All images from Shutterstock.com except Freddie Mercury is from Quick Memes.com and the Paul McCartney meme was made by me.
Note: Josh, you have to stop singing “Rock Lobster” every time we go to Karaoke. It’s like 7 minutes and you do the voice and you get into a trance and it’s worrisome.
Don’t Stop Believin’ can be awesome if it’s timed right. I have a hilarious video of all my old colleagues crammed onto a tiny stage bellowing this and falling over. Best. Karaoke. Ever.
I second the earlier suggestion of leaving alone Someone Like You. It sounds dreadful sung badly.
For the love of all holy and good, please give “Summer Nights”, “I Will Survive”, and “It’s Raining Men” an honorable mention. They all scream sad lonely girl at best friend’s bachelorette party.
and by “Summer Nights” I obviously mean “Summer Lovin’”
I can never ever agree to that Queen statement because I dedicated my heart and soul to the wonderful Freddie by the innocent age of 3 years. I’d rather change #1 to Whitney Houston’s I Will Always Love You. It is a very beautiful song – if you can sing it. But usually, when it comes to the first “I”, the whole magic is killed off by the karaoke singer.
Or Mariah Carey. Nobody should sing Mariah-Carey-Songs except for Mariah. And please, take away The Black Eyed Peas! Yes, Fergies part is nice and fun, but there is always rap parts in their song AND EVERYBODY ALWAYS ACTS LIKE “OH I DIDNT KNOW IT DID THEY CHANGE THE SONG”? Duh.
Somebody to Love by Queen is also a kareoke killer! It’s in the hiiighest key and shouldn’t be attempted by anyone except Freddie Mercury!
I have to disagree on “Total eclipse of the heart.” last time I went to karaoke, everyone and I mean EVERYONE in the bar was singing it. haha. It was the highlight of the night for me actually.
i went out with friends, one them brought some random girl along….random girl disappears for a while, no one notices, until… “ANYTHING YOU CAN DO I CAN DO BETTER!!!!”……in a bar…with people….grown people….nowhere near broadway…it was horrifying….do not do that song ever.
My boyfriend used to work in a karaoke bar. He says that after Glee, the chances that someone was going to choose a Journey song have doubled, making them even more annoying. He said the DJ would get 10 or 20 requests for “Don’t Stop Believing” or “Any Way You Want It” every night. Eventually they had to ban the songs from the bar…seriously.
My condolences to your boyfriend. Also, I’d love to interview him for my blog, if he’s interested.
All cliché love-making songs should be banned forever. It’s just awkward. Nobody wants to see someone hump the microphone stand in a “funny” way for laughs. We get it, you are uncomfortable. The remedy? Stop choosing awkward songs.
Also, I’d like to note that most Kelly Clarkson hits (especially from her first couple of albums) are AWESOME to perform and usually hear at karaoke.
If I have to hear one more creep sing “Chocolate Salty Balls” one more time I’ll cry.
Can we please add Someone Like You by Adele to the list? Not only is it sad, but pretty much no one can sing it like her, and they just shouldn’t even try.
OMG @Caitlin Barnebee, you nailed it. I was going to add that, it should be the worst offender, it’s like 14 minutes long and it’s NEVER a good choice.
Anything Elton John WE GET IT
WHAAAAAAT?? WHY? Are you sick of hearing “Don’t Go Breakin’ My Heart” because I agree, that one is overdone, even though I love it?
DITTO on the American Pie. Fantastic advice, however, all around….
Can I add Paradise by the Dashboard Light by Meatloaf? Good LORD that song is ridiculous.
OMG yes! I have two friends who are a couple who do this Every. Single. Time. This has been going on for nearly ten years now….
Freefallin’ by Tom Petty is a great choice early in the evening by a decent singer, but by the end of the night, the off-key chorus is downright grating.
Frank Sinatra’s “My Way” should be here. A number of people have been killed in beer houses and videoke bars for singing this one out of tune here in the Philippines. It’s really MORE FUN IN THE PH!
American Pie needs to be on this list. Every time I’m at a karaoke bar ans someone picks this song I want to punch MYSELF in the face. It’s waaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy too long. I think the people singing it usually fall asleep.
I actually almost put “American Pie” on this list but then I thought, “Naw, no one sings that anymore.” How wrong I was. How every wrong.
Good advice all round! No rap unless you know you can freakin’ KILL it, no sad songs…I once ruined an entire cruise ship’s evening with my rendition of ‘Jolene’…the advice on “Don’t Stop Believing”…perfect if it’s towards the end of the night, everybody’s in a good mood and it hasn’t played before also works if you’re running the jukebox. I like to do Whitney Houston’s ‘I wanna dance with somebody’…yes, my voice suffers in comparison with hers, but it gets everybody pumped and i can really ham up the ‘wanna feel the HEAT with somebody’ line
I genuinely like and respect you for admitting this. Carry on, you’re great.