"I would have been there in time but I accidentally forgot to put clothes on. Also I think this is a prop phone."
We’ve all been there. You’re supposed to do something. You’re not going to do it. But you can’t say, “Hey I’m not going to do this because I don’t want to.” I’ve tried that, it doesn’t work. So here are ten underused excuses for those times when you’ve had one too many “family emergencies.”
"I would have been there on time but I accidentally forgot to put clothes on. Also I think this is a prop phone."
10. “My house/apartment is haunted.” This is great because it’s so open ended. What does it mean? Does it mean that you didn’t get a good night’s sleep because a ghost widow from WWII kept you away all night crying, “Johnny, where’d ya go? We were gonna be together forever, Johnny!”? Does it mean that you’re busy getting your house ready for a team of priests or ghost investigators? Does it mean that you’re in the middle of moving? Who knows! It’s such a wacky excuse it’s bound to work.
"Sorry, can't come in today, my house is being haunted by Yoko Ono...yeah, I know she's not dead, it's really impressive."
9. “My foot hurts.” This brilliant excuse was first used by Elton in the ’90s classic Clueless when he needed a reason to get out of class. “Can I go to the nurse?” he grunts, knowing that he is damn well going to go to the nurse whether he has permission or not. It’s that can do attitude that will get that your foot out of your office/class and into your comfy bed. If this fails, tell them you can’t find your Cranberries CD and you gotta go to the quad before anyone snags it.
Not that Elton.
8. “Someone cut me off on the freeway and it scared me and I started shaking and I needed to pull over and collect myself, oh my God, you guys.” Who is anyone to judge your trauma? They weren’t there. They should rub your shoulders and give you a cup of tea. Maybe throw a blanket over you and put on a Pure Moods CD.
"I just need some time alone, pantsless, in a corner."
7. “I fell down.” Just leave it at that. Let their imagination fill in the rest.
How to fall.
6. “I got stuck in an elevator.” This is everyone’s worst nightmare so they’ll likely feel pity for you and gasp things like, “Oh my God” and “Are you okay?” and “I would totally freak out, wow.” The best thing is that in order to avoid giving details for fear of blowing your cover. You can respond to everything with, “Ugh I don’t want to talk about it” and shake your head like you’re on the opposite side of the edge of glory.
At least it's a nice elevator. She should really change her attitude. Jerk.
5. “I spilled [vinegar/gasoline/arsenic/your choice of liquid] everywhere.” You can’t just leave your house if acid is seeping into the carpet. That’s the kind of thing you really need to clean up. You might even need to call in those dudes in those suits, like the ones who captured E.T. and then put him into a tent and then I turned off the tape and tried not to cry. From what I’ve heard, the movie ends on a happier note.
Or just take a nap, whatever.
4. “My cat just threw up.” I once used this excuse to get out of Omegle. Sure, I could have left without explanation, but I’m polite.
I'm kidding, it was my dog.
3. ”A tree fell on my car.” This one is tricky because for the next few day,s you’re going to have to borrow someone’s car or be expected to take public transportation. And then you need to wait the right amount of time for you to drive your car again. You know, factor in how long it would take it to get repaired. This excuse is what I call a “Costanza.” It’s very complicated and crucial that it’s pulled off right. Use in a real emergency only.
Also known as the Larry David, AKA, "The Contrived Plot Device."
2. “I’m late because I brought PIZZA for everyone!” Note: for this to work you actually have to bring pizza for everyone, otherwise you are a disappointing delusional jerk.
No but seriously, is it really so hard to take the pepperoni off of the pizza, Kevin?
1. “I have diarrhea.” This one is gold because NO ONE is going to question you. It’s a magical word. You actually don’t even need to say “I have.” Just text “diarrhea” or call into work, say it and hang up and you’re set. Because why would someone fully admit to having diarrhea or lie about it? It’s perfect.
Here's a kitten.
Unfortunatelym #4 is usually true for me….
I was reading along, quietly amused until I got to #7, and I started laughing so hard my roommate asked me from down the hall what was so funny. I immediately said, “Nothing. I fell!” and then continued cackling maniacally. I’m going to use this one all the time now. (My apologies in advance to my friends.)
lady cramps. no one questions those. teehee this post his great!
None of these excuses are underused in my life. I’m pretending not to be proud of this and think of ways to be a better person. I swear.
I woke my husband with my out of control laughter!! I’m guilty of using #1… probably a little too often.
this didn’t just make me giggle: LOLed! a lot! I’ll keep these excuses in mind I’m sure they’ll come in handy soon!
Hahaha! I literally LOLed at this!!
# 8 could make sense. A recent study said something about the most common cause of post traumatic stress disorder is traffic accidents.
As for #1: “I’m late because I had to stop and drop one,” could be true any day because as the book aptly states, “Everybody poops.” Sometimes explosively so.
=))
Hahaha! Genius.
I laughed so hard at this.
Yes! I always tell people to use the excuse of explosive diarrhea. It’s too uncomfortable for anyone to ever question you. genius.
Is it strange that I have used #4, and 7 quiet a bit. And no one ever questions #7 because sometimes I fall while just standing.
Oh stomach problems! No one questions you and no one really wants anymore information so they will leave it be. I’ve yet to pull this one, but it’s there waiting. Also- for leaving somewhere early- you have a migraine is a good one as well. You’ll likely be fine the next day and people will feel terrible for you and encourage you to go home and rest.
http://www.bundtsofsteel.blogspot.com
Pinkeye is also good, especially if your boss happens to be horribly pinkeye-phobic. Bonus: it ” clears up” in a day with antibiotics.
Oh god. I just had to miss three days of work because of horrible, plague-like pink eye. It’s still not totally normal and it started on Sunday and began antibiotics on Monday. So yes, this is a totally plausible excuse. Except I had to provide photographic evidence and a doctor’s note so it’s a good thing it wasn’t fictional pink eye, I guess.
I use #7 all the time. It’s legit, I swear.
Me, too! It’s my go-to excuse. Even when it’s questioned, I just repeat “I fell” and make pain faces. The need for details will eventually dissipate.