We’ve all been there. You’re supposed to do something. You’re not going to do it. But you can’t say, “Hey I’m not going to do this because I don’t want to.” I’ve tried that, it doesn’t work. So here are ten underused excuses for those times when you’ve had one too many “family emergencies.”
10. “My house/apartment is haunted.” This is great because it’s so open ended. What does it mean? Does it mean that you didn’t get a good night’s sleep because a ghost widow from WWII kept you away all night crying, “Johnny, where’d ya go? We were gonna be together forever, Johnny!”? Does it mean that you’re busy getting your house ready for a team of priests or ghost investigators? Does it mean that you’re in the middle of moving? Who knows! It’s such a wacky excuse it’s bound to work.
9. “My foot hurts.” This brilliant excuse was first used by Elton in the ’90s classic Clueless when he needed a reason to get out of class. “Can I go to the nurse?” he grunts, knowing that he is damn well going to go to the nurse whether he has permission or not. It’s that can do attitude that will get that your foot out of your office/class and into your comfy bed. If this fails, tell them you can’t find your Cranberries CD and you gotta go to the quad before anyone snags it.
8. “Someone cut me off on the freeway and it scared me and I started shaking and I needed to pull over and collect myself, oh my God, you guys.” Who is anyone to judge your trauma? They weren’t there. They should rub your shoulders and give you a cup of tea. Maybe throw a blanket over you and put on a Pure Moods CD.
7. “I fell down.” Just leave it at that. Let their imagination fill in the rest.
6. “I got stuck in an elevator.” This is everyone’s worst nightmare so they’ll likely feel pity for you and gasp things like, “Oh my God” and “Are you okay?” and “I would totally freak out, wow.” The best thing is that in order to avoid giving details for fear of blowing your cover. You can respond to everything with, “Ugh I don’t want to talk about it” and shake your head like you’re on the opposite side of the edge of glory.
5. “I spilled [vinegar/gasoline/arsenic/your choice of liquid] everywhere.” You can’t just leave your house if acid is seeping into the carpet. That’s the kind of thing you really need to clean up. You might even need to call in those dudes in those suits, like the ones who captured E.T. and then put him into a tent and then I turned off the tape and tried not to cry. From what I’ve heard, the movie ends on a happier note.
4. “My cat just threw up.” I once used this excuse to get out of Omegle. Sure, I could have left without explanation, but I’m polite.
3. ”A tree fell on my car.” This one is tricky because for the next few day,s you’re going to have to borrow someone’s car or be expected to take public transportation. And then you need to wait the right amount of time for you to drive your car again. You know, factor in how long it would take it to get repaired. This excuse is what I call a “Costanza.” It’s very complicated and crucial that it’s pulled off right. Use in a real emergency only.
2. “I’m late because I brought PIZZA for everyone!” Note: for this to work you actually have to bring pizza for everyone, otherwise you are a disappointing delusional jerk.
1. “I have diarrhea.” This one is gold because NO ONE is going to question you. It’s a magical word. You actually don’t even need to say “I have.” Just text “diarrhea” or call into work, say it and hang up and you’re set. Because why would someone fully admit to having diarrhea or lie about it? It’s perfect.