We all have those moments of frightening selfishness when we complain and throw tantrums over something that is not actually a problem. I am guilty of this. When you recognize what a jerk you’re being, it stops you cold and you realize how none of your problems are real and hopefully you laugh. So if you’ve ever had any one of these problems or can relate in some way, I understand, friend. Life isn’t fair and nothing good ever happens to us. And I am guilty of most if not all of these ten.
10. “My internet sucks.”
Yeah, weak router signals are the worst. How am I supposed to stream things on my computer when my signal won’t reach to my bedroom? And I’m well within distance where it would work and it’s not like the signal is going through metal doors. This is unacceptable. I am an INTERNET of my own. I need internet to be Internet. Why did I sign up with Time Warner? I knew what they would do to me. And I did it anyway. Like a dog to an electric fence. Sorry.
9. “My order was wrong.”
For example, yesterday my smoothie had banana in it and I told them twice, “No banana, please” but it had banana and I had to drive a block back for them to fix it. I mean, my lord. What am I, made of time? It’s like Time Warner and the smoothie people conspired to bring me down and ruin my life. And I got so mad I got a tummy ache and I could barely drink any of the smoothie. This is a tragedy of Greek proportions.
8. “I don’t have cable anymore so I can’t watch Mad Men/whatever legally until the day after it airs because that’s when Amazon/iTunes puts it up.”
Spoilers run abound on the Internet that doesn’t even work well in your house, and if you find out ahead of time what cutting remark Roger made in that meeting to Pete, your entire life is over. I understand. And how dare AMC make us pay for their quality programming? You don’t have $1.99 or whatever to spend every week to buy the episode on Amazon or iTunes, you go to lots of bars and restaurants. You are a human being, not an animal. Why doesn’t anyone understand that?
7. “My car didn’t come in the color I wanted.”
You can’t drive a yellow Fiat, this isn’t Yo Gabba Gabba. And it’s not like you can wait until next year when the cars come out in new colors. That’s ludicrous. This is your car. This is practically your life outside of your home, school and/or office. This is important. Attention must be paid.
6. “Ryan Gosling/whoever doesn’t even know I exist.”
I do not understand the hype over Ryan Gosling. He looks like a farmer. He is just a guy with a job. He is not going to draw you a bath, or encourage your use of Pinterest, or say to you, “Hey, girl” ever. I’m really, really sorry to tell you this. I love Paul McCartney but you don’t see me making McCartney memes. Wait except for this one:
(“Good Guy McCartney” meme that I just made up. Spread the word.)
5. “I dropped my iPhone and the screen/shell cracked and it’s too much to replace and I don’t know what to do.”
Is it still functional? If yes, then you’re fine. If no, stop dropping your phone. This is coming from a person who has dropped two consecutive iPhones and realizes it isn’t worth the money to get a new one. Because if I drop it and break it, Siri is not going to help me. When my mom asks Siri to call Almie it says “I don’t understand.” Siri is such a Regina George.
4. “I don’t like my considerate, kind, amazing boyfriend/girlfriend’s style.”
I mean the only thing worse than being forever alone is being forever with someone who wears flip flops all the time, right? Your girlfriend volunteers at three shelters when she’s not working as a preschool teacher but she wears UGGS? Dump her. That’s embarrassing for you and for everyone else near you.
3. “The valet guy took too long to get my car.”
Sometimes valet is the biggest inconvenience ever. They can be rude, slow, and overpriced. And what if you leave something in your car? Then you have to go all the way back and give them your ticket or ask to find your car and it is. So. Awkward. But it’s not like you can just walk to the restaurant. You’re wearing heels. And it’s like, a whole block away. They should have a car to take you to your car.
2. “I accidentally deleted the photo I was going to post on Instagram.”
And how awful is it when you take a great photo and it only has 3 likes and 0 comments and your friend takes a poorly lit photo of a slice of pizza and it has 45 likes and so many comments you have to click “more”? It’s the worst. It took you several minutes to pick the right filter. And almost worse than having it ignored is when you accidentally delete it because then it’s gone forever. But if you take a photo with your regular phone camera so you can save it but then put it through Instagram, it can get cut off because the Instagram photo format is square. It’s like they’re trying to mess with your brain.
1. “I need to lose weight” — said by people who don’t need to lose weight.
And I’ll own up to doing this. Personally, I don’t feel thin enough to wear a bikini. I am aware that this is ridiculous. I’m healthy, I’m fit, I’m young and I look perfectly fine in a bikini but I don’t look like Adriana Lima so let’s just call this whole thing off. My expensive juice fast that I couldn’t afford didn’t help. Probably because I didn’t do it. But here’s the thing everyone: you do not need to lose weight. That is a myth. There is nothing wrong with being fat. I’m not using fat as an insult, I’m using it as a description. You can be fat and — gasp — fit at the same time! You can even be fat and awesome at the same time. It can be done. I’ve seen it happen. If you feel unhealthy and think that losing a few (or a lot) of pounds would make you feel better physically or emotionally, then go for it. But don’t do it because you don’t look like Adrianna Lima. Adriana Lima doesn’t even look like Adriana Lima. Photoshop is out of control. I think it should come with a warning label. Honestly. But that’s an entirely different article.