Apocalypstick's ApocaLIST Top 10 Old People I'd Like To Date Almie Rose

Recently I got out of a year long relationship. (And you can see exactly with your own eyes how I’m coping with that here). I think for my next relationship, and there will be a next relationship, just like there will be blood, I should date someone who is at least 50.

old rich guy

White hair, cigar, bow tie AND brandy snifter? It’s like I’ve died and gone to where this guy lives!

Someone who isn’t really sure how to log into anything online. Someone who likes to spend money because they have lots of it. Someone who has grandkids. You know, that type of person. Here are my top ten old people I’d like to date.

 

10. The Monopoly Dude.

10x better than Scrooge McDuck.

He’s a cartoon but man is he LOADED. With money! Well…Monopoly money. I guess he doesn’t have real money. OR real houses or hotels. He lives in plastic buildings and pays for things with brightly colored slips of paper. So basically he’s Canadian. Hey everyone, this guy’s a big phony!

 

9. Jay Gatsby.

dog in hat

Turns out when you search for Gatsby on Shutterstock, this is the most relevant image you can get.

And I don’t mean the Leonardo DiCaprio version, that’s just nonsense. I mean the Fitzgerald ink on paper version of the man. He counts because by this time he is now old. But he’s also dead. Sorry, spoiler alert, in case you’re one of the 15 people who didn’t read The Great Gatsby in the 10th grade. Also, Daisy turns out to be a robot. It was Fitzgerald’s commentary on the 1980s or whatever. And sharks, there were lots of sharks. I think. I also think maybe I should have paid more attention in high school.

 

8. Roger Daltrey.

roger daltrey, the who, tommy

He still dresses like a dapper, dapper man. No tracksuits for this royal bro.

Listen. I’m going to say something, and this may shock and/or alarm you, so be prepared: The Who are better than The Rolling Stones. But that’s for a whole other article. This article is about how hot some old dudes are. And this man is hot. I’ve seen him live twice. The first time was at a Who concert, which is kind of like saying “I went to a Beatles concert” when you’re really just seeing Ringo and Paul goof around on stage, but still. The second time I saw him was in a production of “My Fair Lady” at the Hollywood bowl and I’m not even kidding about this. He played Eliza Doolittle’s dad. John Lithgow played Henry Higgins. This was not a fever dream.

 

7. Harrison Ford.

It’s like Han Solo turned into a real person and we all breathed a sigh of relief.

Harrison Ford’s appearances on Conan O’Brien’s show/s are legendary. He has so much swagger he’s practically drunk. Or maybe he’s actually drunk. It would explain a lot. My favorite moment was when Conan asked him something like what he would do if his plane went down (because Ford is an awesome pilot) and his deadpan response was, “Sh** and die.” That’s just a beautifully crafted answer. So much truth.

 

6. David Bowie.

david bowie, ziggy stardust, wax figure of david bowie

This horrible terrifying diabolical monstrosity is apparently a wax figure of David Bowie. Rebel Rebel, your face is a mess.

I love David Bowie. I love David Bowie. I love David Bowie. I love him so much I can’t look directly at this photo, and it’s a crappy wax figure. So why isn’t he higher up on this list? Because I never want to meet him, because if I did, I would probably “Sh** and die” in true Harrison Ford fashion. There are some people for who you have so much admiration and fandom that if you were to meet them, your world would fall apart and you’d cry on the sidewalk until you left gravel imprints in your cheeks. I’m just happy knowing that somewhere he exists. That’s enough for me.

 

5. David Lynch.

david lynch

Our date would be long, confusing, strange, set to Roy Orbison music, and I wouldn’t know how it ended.

This is one I feel really weird about admitting because I saw him in person not long ago at an event my former boss took me to and she was kind of freaked out by how much I love David Lynch so if she ever sees this she’s going to hang her head and think, “Jesus what I have I done” but I was on my best behavior and didn’t even talk to him and didn’t even stare at him. I stayed far away. I just love him. I really do. I’ve loved him since I was 15. This worries my mom. She thinks it’s unhealthy. I think she’s pronouncing “awesome” wrong.

 

4. Kyle MacLachlan.

kyle maclachlan, twin peaks

I have never been able to spell his man’s name right on the first try.

The older he gets, the more he looks like Gregory Peck, so it’s like a twofer.

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  1. Yess!!! Definitely Paul McCartney!! He is in the top!! He is adorable and so talented!!! but hey! what about Hugh Grant?? He is also cute and lovely :)

  2. Everyone makes fun of me because, well, I am just not attracted to any actors younger than mid forties. Gary Oldman is the love of my life, I am fully convinced. And I love Alan Rickman, Bill Maher, Jim Carrey and Jeremy Clarkson. Maybe I’ll get lucky and when my husband ages he’ll become a very deep voiced British man? No?

  3. Wow I haven’t thought about this before, but yes Jeremy Irons, Patrick Stewart, Hugh Laurie & I’d like to add Mark Harmon :)

  4. i LOVE paul mccartney. i’d marry him in a heartbeat.

  5. Definitely agree with Kyle MacLachlan and David Bowie. I would add Richard Gere, David Duchovny, Gary Oldman, and Sean Bean.

    Anonymous | 7/18/2012 10:07 am
  6. Funny thing to make a list about! As soon as I read the title I thought of John Slattery, so glad to see he’s on there! I agree with a few comments made, Hugh Laurie and Tim Roth should make the cut, those accents go a long way!!

    Anonymous | 7/17/2012 07:07 pm
  7. Totally agree about Kyle MacLachlan. My personal list also includes Bill Pullman and Bill Murray. A lot of Bills, basically. Oh, and Charles Grodin (even though I feel like that one is especially weird).

    Kerry Winfrey | 7/17/2012 06:07 pm
  8. OH! You forgot Viggo Montensen, Liam Neeson and ( I know he’s not 50 yet but I will break any rule for him) Dermot Mulroney!

    *sigh* I need a drink now…

    Anonymous | 7/17/2012 04:07 pm
  9. Gary Oldman definitely. And Neil Gaiman, even though he’s not an actor. Totally with you on David Bowie and Paul McCartney.

    Anonymous | 7/17/2012 04:07 pm
  10. And I forgot… Kudos on John Slattery—- Since will and grace I have had a crush on him. And house. You gotta love House.

    Anonymous | 7/17/2012 02:07 pm
  11. I can’t believe you picked MittRomney (His last name now means “to take a poop”) and didn’t put steve martin… HOT NERD. Bruce Willis…. Comeon, The Tulip? Kevin Kline….. FUNNY! I could see myself drinking wine and having it come out my nose with him. But Mitt romney? Do I want to sleep with THAT many broken dreams? I think not.

    Anonymous | 7/17/2012 02:07 pm
  12. I’ve always had a thing for Gary Oldman and Vincent D’Onofrio.

    Anonymous | 7/17/2012 01:07 pm
  13. I never noticed that Kyle M. (not even attempting the spelling) is starting to look like Gregory Peck. I love Gregory Peck. I’d have to add Sam Elliot to this list- also Bruce Willis. Is Jason Statham old enough to be on here? If so, I’d add him too. Sexy sexy.

    Anonymous | 7/17/2012 12:07 pm
  14. Jeff Bridges, without a doubt – I mean the Dude abides. While we’re on that track, Sam Elliot, too. Tom Selleck, Pierce Brosnan, Patrick Stewart, Bruce Willis, man this list is getting really long! That’s enough for now :-)

    Anonymous | 7/17/2012 08:07 am
  15. Too funny.
    For me, over 60 would be Jeremy Irons hands down. I mean … it’s Jeremy Irons!, THE sexiest guy ever. All he has to do is speak & I’m done for. Immediately I know my over 50 pick would be Tim Roth. I don’t know why I’ve always had a thing for him, but I do. He was the smoothest in that 90′s Woody Allen movie. Made me feel guilty craving after a sleezy ex-con, lol. Tim Roth is so funny & so cool. It would be the ultimate moment to actually meet him one day.

    Anonymous | 7/17/2012 08:07 am
  16. Too funny.
    For me, over 60 would be Jeremy Irons hands down. I mean … it’s Jeremy Irons!, THE sexiest guy ever. All he has to do is speak & I’m done for. Immediately I know my over 50 pick would be Tim Roth. I don’t know why I’ve always had a thing for him, but I do. He was the smoothest in that 90′s Woody Allen movie. Made me feel guilty craving after a sleezy ex-con, lol. Tim Roth is so funny & so cool. It would be the ultimate moment to actually meet him one day.

    Anonymous | 7/17/2012 08:07 am
  17. I’m with you 100% on John Slattery. And I would like to add Steve Martin! He’s such a perfect mix of dreamy and dweeby, and I know he’d be a blast at the Farmer’s Market on Saturday Morning.

    Anonymous | 7/17/2012 07:07 am