We all have them. What are yours? Here are mine. Maybe we share the same fears. Let’s find out.
The ocean is full of many things. Many scary, scary things. What’s scariest to me is stuff that doesn’t belong down there. That’s a ship. That ship should be on the water. Not at the bottom of it. I don’t need to see this. There’s barnacles on it and everything. Imaging just snorkeling along, looking at fish or whatever (I’ve never been) and all of a sudden there’s a giant creepy ship under you. And there is nothing you can do about it. A lot of people think that shipwrecks are cool but I see them as underwater haunted houses.
IMAGE: Andy Morrison photography.
9. Cotton balls.
People have a fear of cotton balls. I do not, although I cringe at that scene in Elf where the Elf pops them into his mouth like candy. Oh God. Imagine chewing them. The feeling against your teeth. Cotton balls are very different from cotton candy. They’ve done studies about this. Fun fact: Jonathan Rhys Meyers has a fear of cotton balls, only he calls them “cotton wool.”
I don’t like looking at my veins. Those slightly raised blue lines that eguhgdjshsd I almost passed out, sorry. Have you ever had to get blood drawn from there? And have the nurse miss it? I don’t like seeing these. Especially when they burst forth from someone’s forehead, like an angry snake under leather. Veins are like spiderwebs beneath our skin. Hey, you’re welcome for this image.
7. The Zodiac.
They never caught him. He is probably dead by now. The Zodiac was a serial killer who sent coded letters to The San Francisco chronicle, making Jake Gyllenaal very angry. Someone recently cracked part of the Zodiac’s code in one of these letters that was un-deciphered for years. In the end of the letter, he revealed his identity as Arthur Lee Allen, the lead suspect in the case who died in the ’90s. But one cared. I did. I cared a lot. When I was in San Francisco I just assumed that every old man who walked by was The Zodiac. It’s a fun game – see how many Zodiacs you can spot! He didn’t limit his killings to San Fran, he enjoyed murdering in lots of Northern California locations. What a cool, great, fantastic guy.
Does anyone else suffer from this fear? I decided to check on the internet. I found a brave soul on Yahoo! Answers who discussed their bellybutton fear. The highest voted reply was, “I’d say go see a counselor.” So I guess we are few and far in between. I hate bellybuttons. Hate them. I understand why we have them, but I wish we didn’t. Things get trapped in there. And the idea of cleaning them out almost makes me faint. If someone touches my bellybutton I scream and get very angry. It’s a reflex. People think I’m kidding so they poke it. And I turn into a helpless baby bunny. But one that screams. Maybe this fear started when I saw an episode of Clarissa Explains It All when Clarissa’s dad asked her what the kids are doing these days and she says, “Using paperclip ends to clean out their bellybuttons.” Melissa Joan Hart, I love you but you have scarred me in impossible ways that you will never understand.
5. Your bathroom mirror at night.
We’ve seen this coutnless times in horror films: heroine (sometimes hero, but rarely) gets up in the wee hours of the night to either wash her face or get something from inside her bathroom cabinet and when she looks up from washing her face or closes the cabinet door BAM SPOOKY THING! Don’t ever keep your eyes away from your mirror when you go to the bathroom at night. Stare it down. You’ll be fine. When you wash your hands, keep staring at the mirror. Screw it, don’t wash your hands, JUST RUN BACK TO YOUR BED.
IMAGE: bathroomcabinetswithmirrors.com (seriously)
4. High ceilings.
Aren’t these ceilings pretty? Yeah, they’re great until you realize how small you are and it would take hundreds of you to touch the ceiling, so you may as well just huddle in the corner and take a Xanax. The sky is infinite but when you build something that makes you realize this, it’s very scary. It’s like a reverse fear of heights, I guess. Do you ever get the urge to just climb up as far as you can go and jump? Not because you want to but because it seems like there’s an outside force compelling you? Right?
Should I see someone about this?
3. The fear of being in your own version of The Truman Show.
This is officially recognized as a fear. It’s called “The Truman Show Syndrome.” I don’t want to be mean, but you are not special enough to have people spend millions (if not billions) of dollars chronicling your entire life and building a fake town around you. Especially since probably all you do is sit it front of the computer. So don’t worry. No one cares about you. I love this movie. I like the part where Ed Harris overacts. So I guess that’s 60% of the film. The whole film reminds me of a Twilight Zone episode. That show is also terrifying. Use the buddy system when watching The Twilight Zone. But anyway, you know how that camera on your computer seems like it’s off? It’s isn’t. You’re a star!
2. Hunstman spiders (and all spiders from anywhere and basically all creatures from Australia.)
On the count of three, nobody go to Australia. One…two…three!
1. Mt. Everest.
It doesn’t want us there. The Mountain does not want us there. It doesn’t want us there. IT. DOESN’T. WANT. US. THERE. Stop visiting it. You’re making it angry. It doesn’t want you. Please climb a nice safe rock wall instead at your local gym. There are bodies frozen on Everest since the ’90s. There’s also some from the early 1900s but for some reason, the idea of a stumbling up a frozen hiker wearing Eddie Bauer disturbs me a lot more.
Images of dead frozen people on Mt. Everest can be found here. I am not posting them in case you don’t like to see dead frozen people. Personally, I am always up for the task as it is a great reminder not to climb Mt. Everest.
The irrational part is that I am never going to wind up on Mt. Everest so it’s pretty easy to avoid. Also, it’s a giant mountain. It’s not going to unearth itself from the ground and start chasing me with crazy chomping jaws and googly eyes. But I just don’t like the fact that it exists.
So kids, if you’re looking to die a horrible slow death, come on down to Mt. Everest!