Youth is everything in Los Angeles and New York and basically most places and the truth is that if you’re reading this, you’re too old. We’re all just too old. It’s all about babies now. Babies are so in. Last week I wrote about the hottest old people but this week I think we should focus on the hottest babies out there.
10. The “Dinosaurs” baby.
This show terrified me when I was a kid but I used to watch it, and this thing was a baby and it threw things and had a catchphrase. Sometimes it screamed and its eyes got big. God it’s horrible-looking. Let’s move on.
9. Tommy Pickles.
All of the “Rugrats” babies were pretty creepy-looking. But Tommy was probably the best out of all of them, in terms of skill, brains and bravery. It was a little odd, though, that he always kept a screwdriver in his diaper. That must have lead to a weird, serious argument between his parents whenever there was a diaper change. The accusations flying, the suspicion, the trust issues that had to be dealt with, demanding to know which one was sick enough to keep a screwdriver on their son’s body. Yikes.
8. Boo (“Monster’s Inc.”)
So much sass with just the right amount of cuddleosity. Who didn’t want to adopt this little hassle at the end of the film?
7. Baby Herman (“Who Framed Roger Rabbit?”)
A seemingly cute blue eyed baby turns into a Hollywood tycoon which is a great metaphor for…something. Baby Herman doesn’t take any guff from no one, see? He runs this town. Gosh there’s something about power that is so seductive. Sexy, sexy baby.
6. Rosemary’s baby.
This baby is hot because of how mysterious he is. At least I think it’s a he. And for all we know, he could be a really nice baby. Maybe that’s what’s so shocking about the whole thing. Maybe the twist is that even though he’s Satan’s baby, he’s just a really, really awesome baby. Super cute and rarely cries, and is totally chill.
5. Stewie Griffin.
Sometimes “Family Guy” can get a little too silly, self-referential and even cruel for its own good (y’all should be ashamed of the Michael J. Fox jokes, they’re not even funny) but credit must be given to any show that models a baby after Rex Harrison. I liked when Stewie used to use antiquated expressions like, “What the deuce.” If you guys want to make the comments post a Stewie Griffin quotes free-for-all, I have no problem with that.
4. Maggie Simpson.
Maggie was so awesome that even Elizabeth Taylor loved her. She voiced Maggie in the early years of “The Simpsons” back when we were babies ourselves and the Internet was nothing but a wisp of a dream. Back when Homer Simpson was a stupid but decent dad. Remember “Do it for her”? If you get that Simpsons reference, then I apologize for making you misty. That was such a tender episode.
3. Baby Harry Potter.
The most epic baby of all time. This baby was so badass that without even realizing it, it caused a massive wizarding war that resulted in billions of dollars for one cool British lady. Probably the best baby she ever gave birth to. Metaphorically of course. I’m sure her real life children are very nice. They’re British so we know they at least sound nice.
2. Muppet Babies. All of them.
This was a genius idea for a show. Just take a beloved group of characters and make them babies and bam — whole new TV show. Think of the possibilities! “Mad Babies!” “Gossip Babies!” “Baby’s Creek!” “True Babies!” I want to see all of my favorite TV shows replaced with an all-baby cast. “LOST Babies” would be especially amazing.
1. Toby, the baby from Labyrinth.
This baby was so hot that even David Bowie wanted him. If David Bowie wants to kidnap you, say yes. Parents need to educate their children on the dangers of being kinapped by anyone but David Bowie. If Bowie is doing the abducting, trust him with your child, even if he is driving a van that has “Murder Office” spray painted on the side.
I’d step into his murder office anytime, if you know what I mean. Pants, look at this pants.