To start with a brief back story, I was seeing this guy for about 5 months. At first it was great – he said and did all the right things and we were inseparable. After awhile though, he became distant, especially after I posed the question, “Here are things going here?” He wasn’t ready for a girlfriend was the answer I got, so I started to back off. Why would I devote all my time and energy into someone that didn’t want to do the same for me? As I backed off, that made him grow uneasy. I started receiving calls and texts asking where I was, who I was with and the end of night text to see if I was home – and if I was alone. He also would start with the “I miss you”s and “I want to see you”s. it was a vicious cycle that I had to pull myself out of, as each time he found a way to rope me back in.
Forward to about a month ago, I was going out, doing my thing and enjoying my summer. We both realized that what we had was over, but he couldn’t stand the fact of me moving on from him. After numerous fights and various insults, it ended. Or so I thought…
After three weeks of not talking, I received a long email about how he misses me, was always upfront with me and never lied about anything. How I never let him see the true me. I ignored said email for three reasons: I didn’t think it needed a response or that he was even looking for one; the email didn’t really have much substance to it; I couldn’t get pulled into it again.
A week later, I received a text and in a moment of vulnerability, I responded. I tried to wish him well and hoped we could be friends, but then the “I miss you’s started again. I played along for a day or so, but at a moment of realization (and strength), I felt myself being pulled in again. I sent a text, “It was a mistake for me to respond to you. no matter what I think, I can’t be friends with you. talking to you just brings back old feelings and I can’t handle it. I wish you nothing but the best. I hope you find the happiness you’re looking for. Take care.” The response I received to that, which was meant as an insult, really sticks with me now, “You’re such a girl.”
You know what? Yes, I am a girl and I make no apologies for it. For some reason nowadays, if you’re honest about your feelings, its considered weakness. When did this happen? I’m a girl and proud of it.
Not to be cheesy and quote Carrie Bradshaw, but this pretty much sums all my feelings: “I am someone who is looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love.”
So if it makes me a “girl” to wear my heart on my sleeve and be honest about my emotions, then so be it. I am a girl.
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