From Our Readers To My Dearest and Most Darling Lipstick From Our Readers

How are you, you gorgeous multicoloured happy stick? How the hell are you??

I want to begin by first apologising for the many years of neglect in my pre-teen and former teen years… it was not until my late late teens into my very early 20s that I discovered your magical powers, your super secret super amazing magical powers.

I am personally what I like to call a naturally botoxed, clown lipped broad. In other words, I have big ol’ lips. For my whole life I have been terrified that if my lips touched your sweet moisturising body that I would scare the crap out of everyone I encountered due to my scary clown in a horror movie kinship. But hey, something happened, one fateful evening and I was introduced to one of your glorious red selves. In short, I fell in love. Heart palpitating palm blistering nacho cheesing love.

Since that night, I have learned of your innumerable uses!

Firstly, Lippy (can I call you that, I feel like we are at that place now), You are a freaking accessory! A cheap (not cheap looking, you classy bastard) colour pumping accessory! To ANY OUTFIT! ANY!! How do you do it you radiant chameleon!! I digress…

Secondly, You make a sad gals frown turn upside down. I challenge any lady out there to pop on some red, pink, coral, watermelon, ANY colour and look in the mirror and be all sad about your lips that are on a freaking holiday!! Or for a random example not at all related to my own personal experience or life, say you are backpacking around Europe… in say 2012 sometime… and you and your bestie are feeling a little glum about the fact that they have doubled in size because of baklava and nutella crepe consumption… you have no money and its just plain shitty weather… a sad travel day. You lippy, you save the flipping day! Wanna know how?? Pop you on, take an excessive amount of selfless in various pouty poses and there goes a couple of hours a million laughs and 500 photographs to laugh at so much you make little wees in your little undies!…. or something like that.

Thirdly… and this is a big one. You are single handedly getting me through my law degree! You heard me! I have recently made the discovery that it doesn’t make sense to study if you aren’t wearing lipstick! no sense at all!! How are you supposed to critically analyse a boring butted case if your lips are all gloomy and skin coloured-y… HOW! Answer? You can’t. So technically, you are single handedly sustaining law and justice across the globe. How does it feel? amazing? Wow, just wow.

So lipstick, here’s to you. Here’s to you and your shiny, matte, glittery, sparkly, dewy, fabulous self.

Much love and kisses (ha ha get it?)

Read more from Emily Wilcox here.

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  1. Thanks Emily, this is marvelous. I think it’s true lipstick tends to work better once you’re late-teens and older anyway. =) I only ever wore it for dance performances. If you haven’t yet-you should try submitting to McSweeney’s. I enjoy your humor-voice.

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