A dear friend paid a late-night (9pm) visit last week for a luxurious sampling of the finer things in life: Sleepytime tea and good-natured gossip. Swathed in my winter time best – head to toe fleece accessorized with a chic heating pad – I cracked open the door to greet my pal, slowly bracing her for the full-frontal visual she was about to get of me in my woefully unflattering cold-weather uniform. Much to my relief, my kindred spirit stood before me enveloped in no less than four sweaters, a scarf, hat, gloves and the ultimate necessary evil: Uggs.
We, and millions of other girls around the world, are what you would call Chronically Cold.
Lest you think this malady is but a ruse for male attention or a manipulative attempt at cuteness, think again. Chronically Cold girls are suffering. As my friend so eloquently put it, “Being cold is like an allergy I always have to think about.” We don’t want your cuddles or your pity. We just want to not be cold.
So to you, my fellow frost-bitten sisters, I offer some tried and true tips for maintaining adequate body temperatures this winter. For even though some of us live in the deceptively designated “sunny” California, we can’t feel our frozen toes buried deep within our shamefully hideous, mercifully cozy Uggs.
There simply aren’t enough words in the English language to hail the brilliance of baths. Submerging your entire icy body in a vat of steaming water is the only sure-fire method I know of to restore circulation to all extremities. Frothy bubbles and aromatherapy candles are entirely optional—the real appeal is scalding your skin thoroughly with the blessedly boiling (maybe not literally—that’s how accidents happen) water. Sadly, I’ve only recently come to appreciate the true value of bath time because my sad little studio accommodates nothing more than a tiny shower. Your sympathy is appreciated.
2. Hand warmers
If able-bodied, average-temperatured people tend to jump back in horror when you shake their hands, then you know the isolation of Cold Hand Syndrome. Nothing will change your life quite like hand warmers. These little air-activated, pocket-sized pieces of heaven are potentially intended only for extreme skiiers and the like. No matter. Get yourself to Walgreens, rip open the packaging and hold on for dear life. The best method is to insert the warmers into your gloves and prepare for hours of toasty goodness. Is this what proper circulation feels like? Divine!
3. The Amish Fireplace
I didn’t believe my mom when she excitedly relayed the details of her newest infomercial find: a portable fake fireplace made by the Amish! Err, I had been under the impression that those kind people frowned upon electricity. What a fool I was. The Heat Surge actually houses a “Roll-N-Glow” electric fireplace in an “Authentic Amish Crafted Premium Wood Mantle.” In any case, it looks cool and gives off a steady stream of lukewarm air that in no way replicates the fiery heat of a real log, but can convince your sad, studio-dwelling brain otherwise in a pinch. Unfortunately, your marshmallows will remain unroasted, so don’t try.
4. Hot water bottles
Nothing will more effectively and efficiently make you feel like you’ve prematurely reached those golden years like a night at home spent clutching a hot water bottle in bed. But old is the new young, so embrace your newfound elderly persona and just be thankful that she’s warm. My Chronically Cold friends swear by electric blankets and other glamorous heating options, but I really appreciate the old-school charm of the hot water bottle. Simple, unpretentious and it gets the job done. Now go make yourself some Sleepytime tea and have yourself a party that’s practically tropical!