Tina and Amy Host the Golden Globes (And Five Other Things That'd Make Award Shows Better)

When it was announced that Tina Fey and Amy Poehler would be hosting the Golden Globes this year, my first reaction was “Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!” My second reaction was  “The Golden Globes? Which one is that again?”   Like most of America, I am not always the most avid of award show watchers.  (This stems from when I was 10 and Apollo 13 did not win Best Picture at the Oscars.  I never forgave the Academy for that.)  So, for my own benefit and yours, here’s a quick rundown of the major award ceremonies (and the last time I watched them).

People’s Choice Awards

This show honors television and movies, and you can help select the winners by voting online.  Airs January 9, 2013.

Last Time I Watched:  2010.  I was on a business trip to Long Island, one of the few places where there isn’t much better to do than sit in your room and watch TV, particularly in the winter.

Golden Globe Awards

Winners for excellence in television and movies are chosen by the Hollywood Foreign Press Association.  Airs January 13, 2013.

Last Time I Watched:  2010.  See above comment regarding Long Island in January.

Screen Actors Guild Awards

This show is put on by the Screen Actors Guild, to recognize excellence among its members for their work in television and film.  Nominees are chosen by a randomly selected group, and the entirety of SAG is eligible to vote on winners.  Airs January 27, 2013.

Last Time I Watched:  2011.  There was absolutely nothing else on that Sunday night.

Critic’s Choice Awards

These awards are given by the Broadcast Film Critics Association for excellence in film.  Airs in January 2013.

Last Time I Watched:  I completely forgot these were a thing until I Googled “award shows.”  So it’s safe to say, never.

Academy Awards

Otherwise known as The Oscars, these awards are given by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences (say that three times fast) and honor achievements in film.  I hear they are kind of a big deal.  Airs February 24, 2013.

Last Time I Watched:  2011.  I forced one of my friends to have an Oscar party, for reasons I can’t remember.  (That’s a lie.  I wanted an excuse to dress up and bake, so I made him host a fancy potluck Oscar party.)

Emmy Awards

Apparently there are a lot of these – Primetime, Daytime, Technology and Engineering, News and Documentary, Sports, and International Emmys.  They’re considered the equivalent of the Oscars for TV.  Airs at a TBD time in 2013, typically fall for the Primetime Emmys.

Last Time I Watched:  I probably channel surfed through this at some point in 2010.  I do at least read the recaps of the Emmys the next day, so I can be informed of which awesome shows I’m not watching.

The fact that I’ve barely heard of half of these shows and haven’t watched any of them in the past year indicates that they are not exactly must-see TV.  It seems a bit ironic to be honoring excellence in television in a show that is not itself excellent television.  So how can they change that?

Better Hosts

Obviously step one in increasing their audience is employing the comedy dream team of Poehler and Fey as hosts.  As has clearly been established, I will watch anything that Tina Fey is in, ever (I recently watched Baby Mama and while it was not Tina or Amy’s best work, it wasn’t unwatchable).  These lovely ladies have proven their comedic talents on live TV for years, and have also proven themselves to be wildly successful pairing in both TV and movies, so they seem the perfect choice for an awards show honoring both of those mediums.  They’ve both been in scripted shows for years now, so I’m excited to see them together again on live TV.

Fix the acceptance speeches

You know what makes me change the channel during an award show?  When someone who’s getting an award for “Best cinematic lighting” or whatever drones on for 10 minutes, thanking everyone from their grandma to their cat to their dentist.  Snooooooooze.  Speeches need to be one of two things:  funny, or heartfelt (bonus points for tears).  If your speech is one of those things, you can jabber on for a few minutes, otherwise keep it under 60 seconds.

Just give Mad Men its own awards show

Most of the reason I rarely watch the Emmys these days is because I get so tired of hearing the Mad Men theme song played every 30 seconds, because that is approximately how often this show wins an award.  I have tried to get into the show but it’s just not for me, and therefore it’s just not interesting to watch it sweep all the awards time after time.  Let’s just have a new awards show called “Mad Men and Modern Family are Amazing,” and let some other shows get Emmys for a change.

More parodies

I love any and all award shows in which the host is digitally inserted into clips from the movies up for awards.  The MTV Movie Awards excel at this.  From now on, all awards shows should be required to do at least one parody of nominated movies/shows.  If the Golden Globes could implement this before January, I would be very much excited to see what Amy and Tina could offer to some movie spoofs.

Increase the red carpet time, decrease the show time

Most any time I watch any of these shows, I watch for the dresses.  More often than not, I don’t watch, and read commentary on the dresses the next day.  If we could increase the amount of time spent critiquing the clothing on the red carpet (can we have the Fashion Police be live, instead of airing the next day?), I would definitely be more inclined to watch.

More Muppet Presenters

Liz Lemon likes three things:   Ina Garten, sweater weather, and when Muppets present at award shows.  Liz Lemon can do no wrong, so let’s take her advice to heart:  more Muppets should be on stage at these shows.  Everyone likes seeing Kermit the Frog in a tux.  Plus I hear Big Bird was looking to start moonlighting just in case PBS funding got cut.

While I doubt most of these things will happen, I’m excited to watch the Golden Globes in January to see what hilarity Amy and Tina get up to.  What would you change to improve award shows?  Let me know in the comments!

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