Everybody handles stress differently. Some people exercise until they’ve purged themselves of any emotion. Others pull all of their hair out strand-by-strand until they don’t feel anything at all. I eat. Or, rather, I nibble, on lots of things, 24 hours a day, to the dismay of my mother who spends far too much money on groceries these days. It’s not that I’m particularly hungry all the time, it’s just that not munching on something when I’m stressed typically leads to worse habits, like biting my nails or chewing on pencils like some sort of wild animal. Here’s my general thought process, one that I hope other stress eaters can identify with:
1. I’m not really hungry, just bored
2. Okay, maybe I’m a little hungry too
3. My inspiration for this project is hidden somewhere in that Doritos bag
4. “Stressed spelled backwards is desserts” is a terrible motto, but it’s my motto
5. Maybe I missed something in the fridge the first 10 times I looked
6. Do I have everything I need for work? Briefcase, cell phone, 20 bags of snacks. All set!
7. You know what would go great with these Cheetos? Tortilla chips
8 Are there. . .are there no baked goods at this party? Why am I here?
9. Eating increases airflow to the brain which will make me smarter, so I totally should eat this entire bag of edamame beans or this entire pizza. Or both.
10. I’m out of pretzels, so I guess I’ll have to finish this assignment tomorrow.
11. I’d like to thank mom and dad for this award, along with God, my wonderful crew, and spaghetti.
12. *In the voice of Pippin* What about second breakfast? And third and fourth breakfast? And pre-lunch?
13. Someone pass me a hamburger before I hit someone.
14. If I stress eat healthy food, I can have as much as I want. That’s how food works, right?
15. Does anyone have gum so I can at least simulate eating? Please? ANYONE?
16. You can never have too much of a good thing. That’s why I have three different ice cream flavors in my fridge.
17. Sorry, I’m not really hungry. I had a late lunch. *proceeds to eat entire bag of peanuts right in front of them*
18. Oh, these? I’m just stress-munching. It doesn’t count
19. Only five canisters of hummus? I’m running low
20. Does Burger King have a loyalty program? Is there a discount if I have a presentation tomorrow?
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