This Is Too Much Information: The Robsten Cheating Scandal Edition

My Twitter timeline was flooded (FLOODED!) late last night with epic, breaking news. My Facebook newsfeed was manically spitting out outraged statuses. The blogosphere practically imploded.

A war was not declared and no alien invasion took place, as far as I know. But something so massive occurred, the minute-by-minute updates threatened to take down the interwebs!

Kristen Stewart cheated on Robert Pattinson.

Now please don’t get me wrong—I’m not making light of the very public disintegration of a private relationship. Quite the opposite.

I was immediately sucked into Robsten Cheating Scandal-Palooza 2012, just like everyone else. I stayed up until 1 AM, poring over grainy paparazzi shots and wondering if anyone is caring for Rob in his time of need (because if not, I will obviously sacrifice my time and energy to fill that role). I felt angry, confused, disappointed, exhausted. It was 1 AM after all.

And then I just felt stupid.

I can be pretty (read: very) delusional when it comes to my connection to celebrities and their personal business. But I don’t think I’m alone in feeling this false intimacy. How can we not get wrapped up in the ups and downs of stars’ lives when they’re practically shoved down our throats at every supermarket checkout? Not to mention of course the multi-million dollar industry built on “reality” television stars—their livelihood depends on us tuning in every week, following their every move in the tabloids, and Tweeting/blogging/Facebooking our thoughts and feelings about each calculated step they take. The Kardashians might go hungry if we don’t keep paying attention, you guys.

But this Robsten debacle is just too much. First there were rumors. Then there were reports. Then photos. Then backlash. And now there are apologies. This is all too much, too fast, and I’m not sure what we’re supposed to make of it. My cynical Hollywood side is telling me I should feel like a total sucker. This could all be the Twilight PR machine at work! The final installment of the series hits theaters in mere months, and look—magically we all care a lot about its stars! Will we be able to see the tension on their faces in each scene? Will there be drama at the red carpet premiere? WHAT DOES TAYLOR LAUTNER THINK ABOUT ALL OF THIS?

So yes, there is the possibility that we’re all being played here. But my delusional side still wants to believe that these are real people we’re talking about. It’s fun and frivolous to gossip about celebrities because there often aren’t repercussions. It’s not like making a catty remark about your coworker’s outfit or divulging the details of your best friend’s interesting night at the bar. Rob and Kristen are actors here for our entertainment, right? We’re supposed to inspect their lives under a microscope and then Tweet about the findings.

No, not really. The intimacy of all of this is far too unsettling for me, and the fact that Kristen’s team (and the team of the alleged adulterer-director she cheated with) felt obligated to issue a statement apologizing for the indiscretion just sort of solidifies for me how disturbingly intertwined we are in these people’s lives. They are still people, and whether this is all a promotional scheme masterminded by the geniuses at Summit, or this really is the sad dissolution of a relationship, I kind of wish we didn’t have to be bombarded with all these gruesome details.

But seriously, Rob, call me maybe?

Need more Giggles?
Like us on Facebook!

Want more Giggles?
Sign up for our newsletter!