Things That Make Me Feel Sexy, But Shouldn't

Being unemployed doesn’t exactly make a girl feel sexy. It invokes a lack of confidence (sometimes) and doesn’t provide her with the money to buy legitimately sexy things, like classy lingerie and provocative heels. So I’ve come up with a list of things that make me feel sexy, even though they shouldn’t (based on society’s standards), to help me feel better about my current jobless situation and myself.

1. Dancing like a weirdo: I’ve never really been the type to enjoy dancing like I’m having sex. It makes me feel like a prostitute (i.e. slutty dance in exchange for a free drink from a guy I just met), and thus I feel dirty and easy. I prefer to dance to the beat of my own drum (alone) by whipping my hair around and treating the situation as a cardio/stress-relieving opportunity.

2. Buying HIM a drink: Though the drink will most likely be a cheap PBR or a shot of the well whiskey, it’ll be on my dollar, and this makes me feel like someone who can provide for both myself and others, and that’s sexy.

3. Socks: Specifically the ones that go up to my knees. I prefer to wear them with pajama shorts while drinking chamomile tea. Cozy = sexy to me, and socks are one of the coziest things of all. Plus, high socks define my leg muscles, which I’ve acquired solely from climbing stairs.

4. Eating apples: Apples are a messy fruit to eat. They’re loud, you have to make a weird face to get a good bite and they leave your hands sticky. But for some reason, all of the above make me feel sexy. I think it’s the crunching sound. Yeah, it’s definitely the crunching sound.

5. Sweating (via exercise): Sweating is associated with being gross and smelly, but working out makes everyone feel good about themselves because it’s a way in which we take care of our bodies. Being healthy is sexy, and thus sweating should be considered sexy, right?

6. Clothes that are too big for me: Form-fitting clothes are most commonly associated with sexiness, but I prefer loose-fitting clothes because they make me feel dainty and more mysterious. There’s also the cozy factor, and the fact that no one will notice that I’m not sucking in my stomach.

7. Sweatpants: Sweatpants are meant for lounging, not for turning people on. But some of them sit just perfectly on your hips, and I think hips are one of the sexiest parts of the female body.

8. Wearing shirts that are super soft (but are only soft because I’ve worn them five days in a row without washing them): Things that feel soft on my skin make me feel soft by association. If I could afford to do laundry on a regular basis, I would. But I can’t, so I make do with pretending my shirts are soft because they are made with quality cashmere. No one really needs to know the real reason my clothes are soft, they can just enjoy hugging sexy, soft me.

9. Pulling all-nighters: All-nighters consist of loungewear, messy buns or ponytails, slippers and an insane amount of coffee that makes me jittery. None of the above is classically sexy, but being smart is, and thus using my brain for long periods of time makes me feel unbelievably irresistible. If only I had more money so I could attend grad school and pull even more all-nighters that would make me feel better about myself. I’ll have to settle with self-help book all-nighters instead.

10. Reading self-help books: They make me feel like I’m taking control of my life, and control is sexy. The only thing left to do is what the self-help books tell me to do. For now, making a list of the advice I’ll use one day is enough for me.

11. Using highlighters: This goes with the all-nighters and self-help books. I feel a sense of accomplishment when I’m able to find sentences worth remembering or using later, and accomplishment is something I strive for. Setting goals and accomplishing them really makes me like myself, and thus, sexiness!

12. Glasses: Once nerdy, now trendy, but forever beautiful. And this has nothing to do with the image of a sexy librarian. Glasses just make me feel cute and, yet again, smart. I’m sensing a theme here.

13. Singing in the car: No one wants to be caught singing in the car, but I can’t help myself, ever. Maybe it’s the songs I sing, or the crazy amount of freedom I feel when I combine driving with belting out lyrics sung by strong females. Whatever it is, it makes me feel like a confident performer, and confidence is sexy.

14. Waking up with raccoon eyes: Though it’s a super messy and kind of trashy look, it makes me feel like I live the sexy, crazy, wild life of a rock star, even though I only wore eyeliner because I was going out to dinner instead of eating Top Ramen again.

15. Going grocery shopping: It simply makes me feel like a grownup that is able to make her own decisions about what she eats and cleans with. I’m rarely able to make decisions on my own (it’s something I’m working on), so grocery shopping is a big confidence-booster.

16. Drinking white wine with an ice cube in the glass: I’m pretty sure this is an improper way to drink wine, but it’s wine that was on sale, and I know what I like (cold white wine). Knowing what you like is sexy.

Essentially, we should all feel sexy when we’re using our brains and doing things because we like to do them. Independence is the sexiest thing there is; so wear your sweatpants and glasses with pride, it’s a great time to be a cozy, nerdy, unemployed female.