Funemployment Things That Make Me Feel Sexy, But Shouldn't Kaitlin Coghill

Being unemployed doesn’t exactly make a girl feel sexy. It invokes a lack of confidence (sometimes) and doesn’t provide her with the money to buy legitimately sexy things, like classy lingerie and provocative heels. So I’ve come up with a list of things that make me feel sexy, even though they shouldn’t (based on society’s standards), to help me feel better about my current jobless situation and myself.

1. Dancing like a weirdo: I’ve never really been the type to enjoy dancing like I’m having sex. It makes me feel like a prostitute (i.e. slutty dance in exchange for a free drink from a guy I just met), and thus I feel dirty and easy. I prefer to dance to the beat of my own drum (alone) by whipping my hair around and treating the situation as a cardio/stress-relieving opportunity.

2. Buying HIM a drink: Though the drink will most likely be a cheap PBR or a shot of the well whiskey, it’ll be on my dollar, and this makes me feel like someone who can provide for both myself and others, and that’s sexy.

3. Socks: Specifically the ones that go up to my knees. I prefer to wear them with pajama shorts while drinking chamomile tea. Cozy = sexy to me, and socks are one of the coziest things of all. Plus, high socks define my leg muscles, which I’ve acquired solely from climbing stairs.

4. Eating apples: Apples are a messy fruit to eat. They’re loud, you have to make a weird face to get a good bite and they leave your hands sticky. But for some reason, all of the above make me feel sexy. I think it’s the crunching sound. Yeah, it’s definitely the crunching sound.

5. Sweating (via exercise): Sweating is associated with being gross and smelly, but working out makes everyone feel good about themselves because it’s a way in which we take care of our bodies. Being healthy is sexy, and thus sweating should be considered sexy, right?

6. Clothes that are too big for me: Form-fitting clothes are most commonly associated with sexiness, but I prefer loose-fitting clothes because they make me feel dainty and more mysterious. There’s also the cozy factor, and the fact that no one will notice that I’m not sucking in my stomach.

7. Sweatpants: Sweatpants are meant for lounging, not for turning people on. But some of them sit just perfectly on your hips, and I think hips are one of the sexiest parts of the female body.

8. Wearing shirts that are super soft (but are only soft because I’ve worn them five days in a row without washing them): Things that feel soft on my skin make me feel soft by association. If I could afford to do laundry on a regular basis, I would. But I can’t, so I make do with pretending my shirts are soft because they are made with quality cashmere. No one really needs to know the real reason my clothes are soft, they can just enjoy hugging sexy, soft me.

9. Pulling all-nighters: All-nighters consist of loungewear, messy buns or ponytails, slippers and an insane amount of coffee that makes me jittery. None of the above is classically sexy, but being smart is, and thus using my brain for long periods of time makes me feel unbelievably irresistible. If only I had more money so I could attend grad school and pull even more all-nighters that would make me feel better about myself. I’ll have to settle with self-help book all-nighters instead.

10. Reading self-help books: They make me feel like I’m taking control of my life, and control is sexy. The only thing left to do is what the self-help books tell me to do. For now, making a list of the advice I’ll use one day is enough for me.

11. Using highlighters: This goes with the all-nighters and self-help books. I feel a sense of accomplishment when I’m able to find sentences worth remembering or using later, and accomplishment is something I strive for. Setting goals and accomplishing them really makes me like myself, and thus, sexiness!

12. Glasses: Once nerdy, now trendy, but forever beautiful. And this has nothing to do with the image of a sexy librarian. Glasses just make me feel cute and, yet again, smart. I’m sensing a theme here.

13. Singing in the car: No one wants to be caught singing in the car, but I can’t help myself, ever. Maybe it’s the songs I sing, or the crazy amount of freedom I feel when I combine driving with belting out lyrics sung by strong females. Whatever it is, it makes me feel like a confident performer, and confidence is sexy.

14. Waking up with raccoon eyes: Though it’s a super messy and kind of trashy look, it makes me feel like I live the sexy, crazy, wild life of a rock star, even though I only wore eyeliner because I was going out to dinner instead of eating Top Ramen again.

15. Going grocery shopping: It simply makes me feel like a grownup that is able to make her own decisions about what she eats and cleans with. I’m rarely able to make decisions on my own (it’s something I’m working on), so grocery shopping is a big confidence-booster.

16. Drinking white wine with an ice cube in the glass: I’m pretty sure this is an improper way to drink wine, but it’s wine that was on sale, and I know what I like (cold white wine). Knowing what you like is sexy.

Essentially, we should all feel sexy when we’re using our brains and doing things because we like to do them. Independence is the sexiest thing there is; so wear your sweatpants and glasses with pride, it’s a great time to be a cozy, nerdy, unemployed female.

 

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  1. #13. I feel sexy when I get caught.

  2. i love you!!

  3. I love the fact that this list is so not about “perceived sexiness” but rather about how you feel. Gorgeous!

  4. I love your list. You just made my sexiness level rise.

  5. OMG. This was amazing Kaitlin!! I’m moving into my first “solo” apartment in a few weeks and though it’s a bit scary I can totally feel super great because I’ll finally be independent. You’re right, this makes you feel grown-up, secure, proud even. Lets not get carried around here, I just wanted to thank you for this list full of truth!! :)

  6. not only do I love this post but I also love your bio description because that is EXACTLY where I am right now in my life. 22, looking for a “real” job and watching netflix like it’s my job. just so you know they added How I Met Your Mother to instant, enjoy! and good luck on the job search!

    • Thank you for telling me about How I Met Your Mother, I’m obsessed! And a lot less bored.

      Kaitlin Perry | 12/21/2011 07:12 pm
  7. OMG this is exactly what I did when I just graduated and was unemployed for months. I thought I was the only one thinking those things are sexcay lol. Thanks for sharing!

  8. This list is awesome! Especially because the main message is that loving yourself is sexy. Also, the fact that you have so many pictures of your cat on your tumblr made me feel like I’m not a crazy cat lady for having, like, 100 pictures of my cat on my phone. So thank you for that.

  9. I love this. My glasses definitely make me feel sexy, especially when occasionally brush my bangs away from my eyes. Also, I always feel sexy reading on the bus. I’m not sure what it is, but I feel really confident and intellectual.

  10. I’ve never really thought about any of those things, but reading all of that made me feel like all of those things definitely make me feel sexy too.

  11. I love all of the above except the last one. Haven’t tried that yet but would like to! Red wine perhaps? :] have you ever gotten caught totally singing/dancing in your car? I turn heads…even when I’m just bobbing my head to the beat hahahah it’s funny sometimes :]

  12. #5 and #12, definitely. Also, you should try sewing. It works for me…

  13. 3, 5, 7, 10 ,11, 12, and 15 also make me feel super sexy… ALSo to go along with the highlighters.. I feel sexy when I’m in the library.. the smell of the books.. the quiet.. the studiousness…loving the library (beating to my own drummer) it all makes me feel very sexy !

  14. This is the most beautiful list ever.

  15. THIS IS ME.

  16. I drink cheap Moscato straight out of the fridge with an ice cube or 6 in the glass. It’s the only way to drink it!!! And I always feel sexy doing it :)

  17. I would point out, regarding #4, that there is something inherently sexy about apples. Bad girls eat apples. Eve bit into an apple and look where it ended us. The Evil Queen used an apple to poison Snow White. A woman who eats apples is strong and fierce–none of this silly bite-sized portions business.

    Plus, you know, they’re good for your teeth.

  18. I like you.

  19. I am definitely with you about the sweating and grocery shopping! Whenever I work out enough that my shoulders sweat, I feel like a total hot diva woman. And groceries? There’s just something about walking around, pushing a cart, and buying items for my next meal that makes me feel all vibrant and sexified!

  20. Definately #15. Especially at Whole Foods and Trader Joe’s. Probably because I’m planning a week’s worth of special meals in my head. Maybe because I hope to meet my next soulmate near the fancy cheese.