Things I'd Rather Be Doing Right Now

People often say that Writer’s Block is the very worst thing that can happen to a writer. This is not true. Writer’s Laziness is.

See, Writer’s Block means that you desperately want to write, but can’t find the inspiration. You keep mentally grasping for words, but they all run away laughing before you can trap them on a page.

Writer’s Laziness means that you have a ton of amazing ideas. You also have fun editors who are in full support of these fun ideas. You also have friends and family who are eagerly anticipating reading these ideas. But Writer’s Laziness also means that you don’t care about any of this. You are done with sitting at your desk and punching out 1,000 word opuses on the types of sweaters you want your future husband to wear.* You have far better things to do.

This is a list of things I would rather be doing right now than writing:

1) Sleeping.

Sleep is of those things that you never want to do when you’re having a “good time” (i.e. watching the 1994 Little Women on your TV/VCR combination at 1:30 am on a Saturday), but it’s the first thing you want to do when you are trying to avoid doing something odious. Right now, at this very moment, I would much rather be sleeping in my bed than writing out this post for you fine people to read. I’m sorry. It’s true.

2) Refreshing my tumblr dashboard to see if anyone liked my last post.

My family isn’t very affectionate (hugs are for special occasions) and I didn’t have a lot of friends growing up. What this means is that as an adult, I find emotional validation in how people respond to my tumblr posts. What if I post a picture of Carol Channing and no one “likes” it? Then I am nobody! I end up deleting said post and pouting for a half hour about how no one gets my brilliant sense of humor. Pouting is so much fun, you guys! It’s like being a baby as an adult.

3) Checking my email for sales deals from J. Crew.

Do you guys know how great J. Crew is? They have sweaters with zippers. And they have sweaters with stripes. They even have sweaters that future husbands can wear. Whoa! J. Crew! You’ve got this sweater thing covered. I could spend hours picking out sweaters to wear in a pumpkin patch with my imaginary future husband.

4) Looking at my finger nails.

If I ever find myself on the verge of opening up a Word document to type out some sweet paragraphs, I immediately stop myself and stare at my fingernails. I’m doing this so often now that I’m beginning to wonder if the “Nail Art” trend of late is less about nail polish and more about procrastination. I’ve thought about this so much–while appraising my hangnails and wondering if I need a fresh coat of Essie “Carry On”–that I’ve even thought about writing about it.  As soon as I think about possibly writing something, I stop looking at my finger nails and move on to looking at something else.

5) Looking at pictures of Henry Cavill.

Here’s a perfectly logical statement:

If God wanted me to meet every deadline, he wouldn’t have created photos of Henry Cavill on the internet.

There. Logic. Boom! It makes sense.

6) Compiling names for my future children

I would like to thank the genius who created Because of this website, bored, single women like myself can research baby names without people presuming they are pregnant or crazy. I’m not pregnant and I’m not (to my knowledge) crazy. I’m just a planner. I like to plan things ahead. An ex-boyfriend used to tease me because of how I planned the exact times and places I’d cross streets in order to shave five seconds off of the trip from my apartment to my subway stop. I like planning.

Here are my top three boy’s and girl’s names for my children who were sired by Henry Cavill wearing a sweater:

1. Keir                                          1. Audrey

2. Edmund                                 2. Rilla

3. Nicholas                                3. Tamsin

I have got my first six children’s names on LOCKDOWN. Which means I need to distract myself quickly with something else.

7) Eating a cookie

8 ) Feeling guilty about eating said cookie.

Can someone explain to me how it is that I no longer practice the Catholic faith, but I still feel like I need to go to confession to explain to a priest why I ate a cookie when I wasn’t hungry? I mean, this is a totally crazy psychological question that could easily lead to dividing views on the hot button topics of  religion and cookies. Can we please let it devolve into that? I really don’t want to write right now.  I want to talk about religion and diet culture and body image and other things that will make people angry at each other for no productive reason, especially since the real reason I ate a cookie when I wasn’t hungry was simply that I wanted to eat a cookie. 

I shouldn’t feel guilty about eating a cookie.  In fact, I shouldn’t be doing any of these things. Life is too short to waste it oogling Henry Cavill and complaining about being bored.

You know what would be better than doing all of these things? Writing about wanting to do all of these things. At least that way something got done. (And look…somehow it did.)


*Number One on my “Future Husband Criteria List” is  “He must be good at wearing sweaters.” I want to marry a man who can rock out an argyle pattern in the winter and a light cardigan in spring. I demand that our golden years be spent with me learning how to fold oragami and with him falling asleep in a wingback chair watching television while wearing a grandpa sweater.

**Number Two on my “Future Husband Criteria List” is “He must let me choose our childrens’ first names.” Okay, before you freak out and say, “But that’s not fair! They’re his kids, too! He should have a say!”, let me just express that he will have a say. He will get to determine the last name. I think that’s really important and he should be thankful I am gracefully bowing out of that battle.

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